Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Back on the roller coaster tonight...
H said he didn't want me to come in the bed any more... of course I can respect his wishes and won't do that any more.

But it led to a larger discussion about the R. We've been having a lot of those. I got so upset at the end of it that I couldn't deal with the kids or eat or anything. Finally I just told him, I've been trying as hard as I can with you and nothing seems to be working. I just don't know how to be with you. Sobbing of course.

I know it's complete opposite of DB but I'm in such a weird position. I honestly think going dark with him would reinforce to him that I don't care about him. And that is his fear here.

Because he has a narrative to explain any positive steps that I take, I can't seem to make any lasting headway or impact. He said that my efforts to save the M were just trying to save face - that I didn't want our M to end like this. Well who in the world asks for their spouse to D them? Of course I don't want our M to end like this or in any other way.

I just feel like he has a nit pick or explanation or counterargument for anything that I do. It's kind of always been this way with him. When we get into the R talks, and I tell him that I was unhappy, he says it's revisionist history because I didn't seem so unhappy and I never said anything. On the other hand, he says I was angry all the time so being angry at him didn't count because I was angry at everything. And now he can also say, "Well, I don't trust anything you do or say."

I still haven't heard him say, "I know I played a part in our M getting to this point." Maybe he never will.

He says I wasn't contrite enough when we went to MC those few times in July. I should have been more sorry. I had a lot of anger I needed to get out first. But I'm just making up the anger as an excuse not to be sorry. Or I'm not justified in being angry with him because he did this and that and this and that.

I just feel like I can't do anything right with him and no matter what I do, I lose.

Help me please.