For my own purposes I need to re establish my post and ask my question the right way. My W has suggested that she is no longer in love with me and has had an affair with her ex-high school boyfriend. She claims to have ended that affair (three weeks ago) and says that she is here and willing to work on us. We have three kids and a home; Many stable things that need to be tended to. She says that she is giving me everything else, but she claims that she does not have the emotions she needs from me, and can not give me the emotional support I need without her own emotions. Now for me, the only thing I need from my W is emotional support. As far as all other needs, I can get them elsewhere, it is only the emotional needs that have to come from my spouse. She is being a good mother, a good provider, and is good at tending to our home. But that support has never ended, even during the affair, and is about the home and the children, not necessarily me. A part of me still wonders if she is really committed to reconciling our broken marriage or has just stepped away from the ledge of divorce to catch her bearings again. And perhaps because her fantasy relationship with this other guy didn't go as planned. As I spoke to earlier. I have done a 180 and my wife suggests that this is providing part of what she needs. She can not tell me what else I need to do, or even if I can do anything at all. In fact she has confessed her worry that emotions from her may not be possible. Or that it may take months to years to rekindle. We are going to counseling, but that has been slow, and she does not like to discuss our marital problems outside of counseling for any duration of time. Indeed, she is frustrated by my need to talk about it. Plus she feels that I am pressuring her with my affections (something that is not like me) which I have increased after finding out about the affair. I was fine with the amount of affection I was getting from her before, but she has pulled back from that level. And of course has now admitted to me that I was not providing the level of support she needed, which would be apparent from the affair, but which I had been unaware of before.
Have the two of you gone to C? The problem in your sitch is that I think there is alot of built up past resentments or unresolved needs. You need someone to help guide you out of that.
There are some times that you should just try to have fun with her and enjoy each other. You need to hold off on the emotional needs for yourself for a little while. She can't give it to you and you might be coming off as being needy and clingy.
You need to be strong for both of you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Time for some 2x4's, you're getting good advice in this thread but it doesn't sound like you're following through. I'm also not seeing any discussion of DB techniques here, and it's important that you focus on that.
Originally Posted By: icDude
My W has suggested that she is no longer in love with me and has had an affair with her ex-high school boyfriend. She claims to have ended that affair (three weeks ago) and says that she is here and willing to work on us. We have three kids and a home; Many stable things that need to be tended to.
Have you taken stock of what went wrong in your M that drove her to OM? Have you written a list of those things and started doing 180's on them? If so, why haven't you posted them here for review/ comment? What is your list of baby steps? Your W has sent you a message that she is not happy with the M nor with you. She has lost her feelings for you. DO NOT proceed with "more of the same" behavior because she will leave sooner or later. You are very lucky that she is giving the M a chance, but it's barely clinging to life support right now. You've got to make some big 180's.
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She says that she is giving me everything else, but she claims that she does not have the emotions she needs from me, and can not give me the emotional support I need without her own emotions.
You are lucky that she is communicating this to you. Most of us never got that, we just got "I'm tired of trying, goodbye" out of the clear blue sky. Validate her emotions, tell her you understand why she feels that way. She's communicating to you that her love tank is empty, pick up the 5 Love Languages (it's a quick read) and learn how to fill her love tank back up. Start working on that and stick with it, it'll take her a while to believe you're genuine and not just trying to get her back.
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Now for me, the only thing I need from my W is emotional support. As far as all other needs, I can get them elsewhere, it is only the emotional needs that have to come from my spouse.
Wow. This is a scary statement. Your W is probably expecting 100% support in the marriage whereas you view it as just filling one of many needs, the rest of which you look outside the marriage to fill. This may be an area you need to do a 180 on.
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She is being a good mother, a good provider, and is good at tending to our home. But that support has never ended, even during the affair, and is about the home and the children, not necessarily me.
What about you? Do you share these responsibilities, or is that all your wife's "job"? Have you taken any of that load off of her so she can explore who she is? Do you think she enjoys washing your dirty underwear and socks, or do you think maybe it makes her feel like your mother?
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A part of me still wonders if she is really committed to reconciling our broken marriage or has just stepped away from the ledge of divorce to catch her bearings again.
You keep indicating that you are waiting for her to make a move. YOU need to make a move. YOU need to show her why you're worth giving another chance. YOU need to do all the work. YOU need to change. That's basic DB'ing- it takes one to tango.
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In fact she has confessed her worry that emotions from her may not be possible. Or that it may take months to years to rekindle.
Again, you're lucky. Your W has realistic expectations. she's right, it will take months. Probably not years, but months for sure.
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Indeed, she is frustrated by my need to talk about it. Plus she feels that I am pressuring her with my affections (something that is not like me) which I have increased after finding out about the affair.
I read the DR. I have done a 180; details are that I have picked up considerably on the chores around the house, helping with the kids, I have stopped a lot of my negativity (due to a low grade depression and anxiety problem that I had never had fully diagnosed until all this blew up on me), and have refocused my attention away from work and toward my home. Prior to that, while the affair was still ongoing I did the Last resort technique, with some success, I backed off and went out with friends more, picked up a social life that I had let slide. We are in counseling as noted. But part of the problem still lies in some of her statements of needs. She has said that I did not give her the words of affection or acts of affection that she needed in the past. And now that I am she doesn't seem ready for them. Also an attempt at 180. You are right however, I need to back off, and will continue to try that. Baby steps are what MWD suggests in DR and some of mine were to have her come to me for affection. Open up to me about something personal. And to laugh at some of my jokes again. Baby steps. I have been pushing to hard. And I should be grateful for some of what I have been given. I know that I must have been very close to losing her. It was my own ability to see better then she expected that may have saved my marriage. I caught the affair early and responded by asking her to go to therapy when she expected me to blow up and kick her out.
OK, well that sounds like you're on the right track then. Don't forget to take stock of what is and is not working now and then and make adjustments as required.
Originally Posted By: icDude
But part of the problem still lies in some of her statements of needs. She has said that I did not give her the words of affection or acts of affection that she needed in the past. And now that I am she doesn't seem ready for them. Also an attempt at 180.
Yes, I can sympathize because my W's love language is WoA, but when I learned that and started working on it she was not receptive to it. What I did was change gears to offer her the kinds of WoA that a friend might rather than a lover or husband. Less pressure that way. So for example she comes over to my house each morning and gets the kids ready for school, so I tell her how much I appreciate that she's willing to do that despite our sitch and that she is a great mother and wonderful person for it. Now I in return pick up the kids after school in the afternoon and she has never once acknowledged it or thanked me for doing this for her (I do it on my weeks and her weeks), but that's the whole "it takes one to tango" concept of DB'ing. We have to keep working hard at it and accept that our spouses will do little or nothing in response for quite some time.
By the way, it's "words of affirmation" (in 5LL terms), not "affection". I understand that she may have said "words of affection" in MC, but understanding the actual LL as presented in 5LL might make it easier for you to see ways to fill her love tank without feeling the need to be affectionate. She is likely to be receptive to WoA, but not affection. Check out 5LL for more info on this and the other languages of love.
"She has said that I did not give her the words of affection or acts of affection that she needed in the past. And now that I am she doesn't seem ready for them. Also an attempt at 180. "
I have a feeling now you're probably overdoing it. Just give her an honest compliment here and there so that they sound sincere.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Last night my W said that she was sad. I inquirered as to what and she said that she missed her "friend". Meaning the OM. After some inital defensiveness i listened to jer feelings. Needless to say it did not make me feel much better, but I was patient and calm and this morning she thanked me flr letting her get that out. I need her to feel like she can talk to me, but i don't know how I am supposed to feel. Is this positive?
Last night my W said that she was sad. I inquirered as to what and she said that she missed her "friend". Meaning the OM. After some inital defensiveness i listened to jer feelings. Needless to say it did not make me feel much better, but I was patient and calm and this morning she thanked me flr letting her get that out. I need her to feel like she can talk to me, but i don't know how I am supposed to feel. Is this positive?
Yes, that's the way to do it. Validating her feelings does not mean agreeing or disagreeing, it just means listening intently, making lots of eye contact and telling her you understand why she feels that way. We're guys, so we want to fix things. Our natural reaction to something like this is to say "you need to forget about him, why do you need him when I'm right here? I'm the answer to all your problems!" Instead we should say "you sound sad, I can understand why you would feel that way." That's it! Simple as that. She doesn't want you to fix her problems, she just wants you to understand them. This does not mean she wants to go running back to OM, she's just going through the normal grieving process of losing someone and wants to talk about it. As for what you feel when she's telling you this, save it to talk to someone in your support group (and/ or us). DO NOT convey what you're feeling to your W. Like you said, you want her to feel confortable opening up to you. Show kindness to her and if you're feeling frustration or anxiety then bury it and let it out here. The fact that she thanked you the next day is a fantastic sign, it means she was testing the waters to see how you could handle a discussion about her feelings and you passed it. Keep up the good work!
What you did was good. Validate her feelings and really listen to what she has to say. She could be telling you what she liked about the OM, which is something you could do now.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I agree with the others... TO A POINT. You DON'T want to get into "gay boyfriend status" where she comes to you to discuss her OM all the time. I prefer a simple and sincere "I hate seeing you hurting," with a nice, hard QUICK hug, and then talk about something else.
Talking about a formerly wayward spouse's OM/OW should happen on the BETRAYED spouse's timetable, in my opinion, when YOU want to learn more about why she did what she did. For her to just talk about her affair partner with you anytime she feels like it is disrespectful, in my opinion.
