My only sick advice is to not "coddle." I don't think men (in general) like to feel dependent, so be helpful, but not act as if he is helpless. yaknowwhatimean?
karen
Barely!
That's where I get really STUCK....I want to be helpful and nurturing and caring but not to the point that I smother him...
So...last night h had school (me too!). He's still not feeling totally well so it wore him out, I think! But he was totally loving and wonderful when I picked him up from the train (positive!) and we had lots of good phone chats during the day, too (positive). He also offered to go food shopping today and stated that he really liked helping out (positive).
I was thinking last night about why I find it hard to deal when h is sick...
part of it is what I said above...I stress myself out so much about straddling the line between being caring and being smothering. No doubt, I'm trying too hard, here!
I think that part of it is also that h gets depressed and withdrawn when he's sick and his mood reminds me a lot of when he was involved with ow -- down and withdrawn and distant....all PERFECTLY reasonable things when one isn't feeling well...but I know for certain that last month when he was sick I kept thinking "is this the start of him not loving me anymore?". YIKES.
Some of it is also that when he's sick we have less physical contact and we go out less...AGAIN, all perfectly reasonable when one is SICK but I misread it.
Note to self: stop acting like such a big baby and bottomless pit when h is sick!
AND, part of it is one of the contributing factors (I think) to h's withdrawal from me was a health issue...and probably the way that I handled it (invalidating? always giving him advice? not really listening to how he was feeling? etc?) so I think I do a bit of pre-emptive "I hope you handle THIS better this time!"
And FINALLY....part of what bothers me is a line from one of the emails I read from OW to h on DDAY...it said something like "You always take such good care of me when I'm sick. I want to take good care of you now that you're sick".
Hmmmm...it appears that we have gotten to the root of the problem!!!!
arrrgh.
Must let that go!
NOW...on the VERY positive side...and in argument to all of my bitching and moaning above...when I got home from school last night I found a note that h had left "thank you for giving me such great support while I've been sick". (big positive!)
SOOOOOOO...looks like I'm the only one questioning my florence nightingale impression!
Another big positive...h has study group tonight and I'm picking him up from the train and he asked me if I wanted to go on a "late dinner date". Guess maybe he's missing the QT too?
I am a lucky woman -- big time.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
No doubt, I'm trying too hard, here!
