Last night my W said that she was sad. I inquirered as to what and she said that she missed her "friend". Meaning the OM. After some inital defensiveness i listened to jer feelings. Needless to say it did not make me feel much better, but I was patient and calm and this morning she thanked me flr letting her get that out. I need her to feel like she can talk to me, but i don't know how I am supposed to feel. Is this positive?
Yes, that's the way to do it. Validating her feelings does not mean agreeing or disagreeing, it just means listening intently, making lots of eye contact and telling her you understand why she feels that way. We're guys, so we want to fix things. Our natural reaction to something like this is to say "you need to forget about him, why do you need him when I'm right here? I'm the answer to all your problems!" Instead we should say "you sound sad, I can understand why you would feel that way." That's it! Simple as that. She doesn't want you to fix her problems, she just wants you to understand them. This does not mean she wants to go running back to OM, she's just going through the normal grieving process of losing someone and wants to talk about it. As for what you feel when she's telling you this, save it to talk to someone in your support group (and/ or us). DO NOT convey what you're feeling to your W. Like you said, you want her to feel confortable opening up to you. Show kindness to her and if you're feeling frustration or anxiety then bury it and let it out here. The fact that she thanked you the next day is a fantastic sign, it means she was testing the waters to see how you could handle a discussion about her feelings and you passed it. Keep up the good work!
