I'm going to dedicate this journal entry to discussion about my kids.
D18 is much like my W, she doesn't like confrontation and would rather ignore problems rather than discuss them. She is in college, so mostly isn't embroiled in this like our other kids. I have tried to open dialog with her several times, I think she appreciates it but she doesn't want to talk about it. W did not set up a place for D18 at her house, so D18 has been staying with me when she visits on weekends. I sense that D18 is harboring anger towards W for the sitch and doesn't want to spend time with her. We’ve done a lot together when she comes in, often just the two of us. But the only time she spends with W is when we all go out for lunch or dinner.
S9 has had the most trouble understanding what's going on. I've talked to him quite a few times and have gone out of my way to explain to him that we both love him very much and that he has nothing to do with what is going on between us. Yet a few days ago when I was putting him to bed he apologized and said he thinks he knows why mom left, it was because he "tattled" to her that I had yelled at him about something and she got mad about it. It was heart-breaking to me that despite all the conversations he still thinks he's to blame. I again assured him that what he did was perfectly fine and it had nothing to do with our sitch. It just really highlighted to me how important it is to not just reassure the kids, but to keep reassuring them continuously. Especially in light of the fact that W is not talking to them at all.
D15 started out angry at W for the sitch, then seemed to warm up to her and grow colder towards me and at one point even told W that she wanted to stay with her and just visit me every other weekend. I told D15 that I would honor her wishes no matter what, but that I would like for her to do the 50-50 custody at least for a couple of months because I really needed the time with her to help me through this. She agreed to do that. One of my 180’s is that I’ve used DB techniques to reach out to my kids more too. The whole portion in DR that talks about being a good listener, making lots of eye contact, repeating things back, asking questions to encourage more discussion; it works just as well with kids as with the spouse. And I enjoy it, it’s wonderful to sit down and have in-depth discussions with the kids. Anyway, W had to take S9 to scouts yesterday, so I had D15 later even though it’s W’s week. I got fast food so S9 could eat before he left. We sat down at the dining table. I asked S9 how he liked staying at W’s house (they had stayed there two nights as of yesterday) and he said he didn’t, that it was boring. D15 then jumped in and said she didn’t like it either. Said it doesn’t “feel” right and that she can’t sleep well. She said she can’t explain it, but that it just doesn’t feel like home. W got there to pick S9 up and when they left D15 opened up some more, she said W doesn’t spend any time with them, she said “she won’t even sit down at the same table with us like you do, like you’re doing right now.” She said it’s like W’s mind is somewhere else. She said she thinks W is up to something when they’re not around, she said probably not another guy but she thinks she’s going out partying a lot, probably with her BFF (her new best buddy/ enabler, she kicked her husband out of her house a few months ago). W picked D15 up around 8 and took them to her house. At 9 D15 texted me this: “I told mom I don’t like it here. That I wana go home.” I asked her if she wanted me to talk to her mom about me picking her up and she replied back “No, I’m going to stay here for the rest of the time this week. But it’s just so much stress.” I told her I was sorry and to let me know if there was anything I could do. But I tell you, I feel like I know exactly what she’s going through because I spent a few nights with my mom after she left my dad when I was about that age and it just felt really weird to me, like I didn’t belong there. It also felt like I was validating her leaving and it turned my stomach. I wonder if D15 is going through that too. Maybe if they keep going they’ll get more comfortable there, but it sounds like W is not really reaching out to them. Up to this point I thought W’s attitude was just changed towards me and that everyone else was seeing the “normal” her, but it sounds like she’s acting a lot different around the kids too. That’s not good for the kids, especially right now when they’re so confused and hurting.
