Though, somehow, I think we're missing the supposition that if we are happy with ourselves, in ourselves, and also respect ourselves, we choose partners that mirror that.
It's just tough for me to know right now whether my relationship with EXbf will be far different from what it was in the past. We're not even two weeks in.
I do know, that I'm not the same person I was back then. I don't know about him. But I'm hoping that we do have love and respect. Without that, yes, I don't think it would work long term.
Having said all that, I am really wary of advice about "being happy with someone" simply b/c I think so much of our culture is so tweaked toward having their love relationships be their everything and put a lot of pressure on whether the person is "making them happy" or unhappy, etc. I don't think that's the purpose of a relationship - if someone is making you happy. Sure, you're happy spending time with them or being together, etc. But that happiness is not *dependent* on them.
And I see a lot of marriages where people are disillusioned and blaming... or angry or unhappy with themselves and blaming others. I was this way in the past. I blamed my ex for more than his share of why I was feeling unhappy.
So now I'm willing to just own my own happiness and see what he brings to my life. If I like it, I'll want more. If it feels draining or exhausting I'll take a look at my expectations of him or what's going on. ... I may need to adjust something. Relationships are also compromise, right? But I think I give a lot of leeway ... I can say more about that later.
I don't look for anyone to make me happy, but I'm not going to be happy with someone who is disrespectful to me, treats me badly, constantly fights with me and doesn't respect me. That has nothing to do with me finding my own personal happiness.
Who said it did? This is ESN's thread, my comments are directed at her and apply to her sitch which based on her descriptions do not involve disrespect, constant fighting, etc. Her struggle is more along the lines of deciding whether she can be happy with her currrent spouse versus an imaginary one that would sweep her off her feet and fulfill her wildest dreams. I'm simply making the point to her (and I'm convinced she fully understands it) that her potential happiness is not centered on either of these choices, but on herself. I don't know what your sitch is, but if you're describing it above then that would require a completely different approach. Finding personal happiness has nothing to do with accepting abusive behavior from your spouse.
Though, somehow, I think we're missing the supposition that if we are happy with ourselves, in ourselves, and also respect ourselves, we choose partners that mirror that.
Quite right. And not only that, but happiness/ contentment is infectious. If we're content/ happy, people around us will be as well. It's like 5LL goes into, if your love tank is empty then you fill it up by first filling your partners love tank, then they WANT to reciprocate.
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It's just tough for me to know right now whether my relationship with EXbf will be far different from what it was in the past. We're not even two weeks in.
If you're following DB and changing yourself, then the R will have to be different. If one person changes then the entire dynamic also changes. In reading your posts it sounds to me like you've changed a lot!
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Having said all that, I am really wary of advice about "being happy with someone" simply b/c I think so much of our culture is so tweaked toward having their love relationships be their everything and put a lot of pressure on whether the person is "making them happy" or unhappy, etc.
I don't think that's the purpose of a relationship - if someone is making you happy. Sure, you're happy spending time with them or being together, etc. But that happiness is not *dependent* on them.
Yes, exactly. ALL people cycle through different moods and emotions, so we can either ride the roller coaster with them or we can detach and remain positive and let them ride it. My personal experience is behaving per the latter brings them back to the top a lot faster. It's hard to remain in a funk when your around positive people.
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And I see a lot of marriages where people are disillusioned and blaming... or angry or unhappy with themselves and blaming others. I was this way in the past. I blamed my ex for more than his share of why I was feeling unhappy.
And that's where my W is right now. She said she wasn't "happy", hadn't been for quite some time, and I'm the reason. That's why I bought her the book (after sending her the first chapter and asking her if she was interested in it). She is reading it, so hopefully she'll begin to understand where happiness really comes from. I've done a lot to facilitate her happiness- giving her plenty of freedom to explore different things, etc. But I can't make her happy, only she can do that. And she doesn't know it yet.
Yeah, I was going to mention that - lots of reactions/insanity. Except, I really don't think that had to do with our basic love and respect. We were both a little mentally ill at that time. We've both done A LOT of work since then. It's been a year. Neither wants the old stuff. AT ALL! So we have to work - like anyone else - to make this work. And it's too soon to know, yet, if it will.
Ummm, AS, you had asked me if I think happiness comes from others.
Well it was meant to be rhetorical
Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Oh, and AS, if you go back through her old threads which I followed, there was a lot of fighting, actions and reactions. It got pretty bad at times. The dynamic was very unhealthy. I believe eSN will admit that, so what I have to say in regards to what Their r was and how not to fall back into those destructive patterns.
You're right, I haven't seen the older thread, I was basing it on this one. I stand corrected! I'm certainly not condoning acceptance of bad behavior in marriages, marriage problems need to be dealt with and solved. The point I'm trying to make is we cannot obtain happiness from others. It sounds like you agree with that as does ESN, so at least on this we're in agreement. Where we may differ in opinion is I firmly believe that if a marriage is struggling due to one or both spouses behaving badly (short of physical abuse), all effort should be placed in saving the marriage. I believe that if more people understood that their lack of happiness is due to their own struggles and not because of their spouse, that more marriages would be saved. People think that happy, satisfying marriages just happen and they absolutely do not. And they think that if they're not happy, the marriage is the problem and the solution is to abandon it. A happy marriage is hard work, and even then sometimes it falls apart (as in my case). When things fall apart it is not time to abandon the marriage, it is time to roll up your sleeves and get ready for the hardest work you've done in your life.
It's the hardest work I've ever done. The fact is, we're both working now. Even if we're nowhere near perfect. Trust me, I could walk away from ExBF. His issues piss me off and I feel annoyed with him and hurt sometimes. But where does that leave me? To find a "better match"? That's it. I don't know if there is one. I've been in a lot of relationships (I'm 40) and there's always been a mess of issues to deal with in each one. I'm choosing to work it out with this one. At least for right now. Since his issues seem to hit on mine, I think it offers us both a lot of opportunity for growth.
It's the hardest work I've ever done. The fact is, we're both working now. Even if we're nowhere near perfect. Trust me, I could walk away from ExBF. His issues piss me off and I feel annoyed with him and hurt sometimes. But where does that leave me? To find a "better match"? That's it. I don't know if there is one. I've been in a lot of relationships (I'm 40) and there's always been a mess of issues to deal with in each one. I'm choosing to work it out with this one. At least for right now. Since his issues seem to hit on mine, I think it offers us both a lot of opportunity for growth.
That's awesome, and I'm so glad you're putting in the effort!! And you are in a much better place than most of us because your BF is also committed to it. Most of us are in "it takes one to tango" mode because our spouse has already checked out. Good luck!!
