Help on how to behave

[sandi2]

I would not be surprised if she had performance issues where she bases her self-worth upon how others grade her. I'd guess words of affirmation is her love language. If so, that makes it rather difficult for you unless you are gifted in this area. My LL is words of affirmation, but when I was in the WAW mode, my H would try to use this and it just made me angry. So, it can be touchy.

That's one reason you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Make changes where needed and if it takes stress off her for a while, then good. However, don't take on so much that you can't handle it, or if it looks like you're kissing up to her.

You must keep a sense of balance in the family relationships, home chores, etc. That's why she needs a strong person to lead the way. It's not that she "can't" do it, but it's what she really wants. I personally believe that's just how women are wired. They don't want a "master" and they don't want a "servant" in the H, they want a man of strength, moral character, and not afraid of calling the shots when decisions need to be made and taking responsibility for them.

I found it interesting what Another Stander said about how many men change from the alpha to the beta male after M. That's sad. But I've seen it happen a lot when the H thinks he's keeping the peace and letting the W make the decisions.

The last thing she wants is to feel she has another kid to take care of. So by all means, don't give her any excuse to think of you in that way.

[nero]

hi-

i just want to blip over and lend my support & understanding to you. it's an awful place to find yourself in life- i'm sorry to see you here- there are alot of us here trying to work thru the same thing. I've found this forum to be a life saver of sorts- whenever i'm spinning out of control & my thoughts are getting tooooo extreme - i can come here for some moderation- and other points of view, etc. lots of homespun wisdom in these pages & posts. and inspiration to see soo many people trying what we're trying- to hold it together & keep on working at it.

your w sounds alot like my h. somehow he figures out (now) that I am the reason for all of life's bad things- instead of the reverse. my h is having an affiar tho. hopefully your wife isn't.

it's awful and soooo arbitrary and unfair- that being said -

she's not gone; she's still around and in your life. some days i wish it was all over because he uncertainty and unfairness of it all makes me want to hate him and leave - (- i guess i don't ). i think it's the worst thing i've ever felt in my life- and it's surely been the worst two years of my life - BUT i'm still standing- still trying and he has not done anything hugely definitive like ending it all either.

i don't know what to do or think other than that little ray of hope still exists in me i guess- and as long as it's there- and the other person has not disappeared from your life- i'd think there is , in fact, some hope.

if you feel like ranting, this is the place to come to. lots of understanding- and fellow-feeling. if you make a plea for input- someone usually has something to offer- you can choose what helps you-

my h is rewriting our history- it hurts- it's so crazy tho, what he says, that sometimes it helps me be objective and not take it personally. (wierdly enough) (a beneficial thing) when you are characterized as someone you know is not you- it makes you realize how goofed up their brain & reality has become (for the moment) (hopefully- that is, for the moment and not eternity).

i've been doing this about a year & feel like there is a long way to go- i don't know how long i'll make it and continue- honestly, it truly is a one-day-at-a-time thing. you can always walk away tomorrow- i just tell myself that every day- one more day- one more nite- we all have alot of inner strength that we didn't know was there- good luck- keep coming here- and reading other people's posts- it really helps. and keep reading the bit in the book about mlc- it takes it all down a notch to know that it's soooo predictable that it's not just you- it's mlc - and there may be hope for you & w (in the end).

[nero]

hi-]

mwd, in her book "change your life & everyone in it"- makes an interesting observation about relationships. something like if one person takes over one aspect of the relationship - it allows the other person to just not do it. if one person is always persuing, the other guy just doesn't have to bother- stuff like that. it's interesting and a change of perspective. if the w runs the house- the h just doesn't even have to think about it all. - my h hasn't got a clue how it gets clean or why we have sheets for the beds - not part of his reality- im sure he thinks fairies make it all happen.


maybe looking thru zher other books may give a few insights as well- i find some of it helpful- but always have to stop and remind myself that i'm dealing with what i believe is mlc - and that's got it's own rules. HOWEVER - ALL HER insights about relatinships in general, in life, are helpful too. jsut a thought.

[AnotherStander]

For the record no Separation is the last think I want. Whilst I understand the need for her to get away out of the fog I think given our specific circumstances it would push her deeper into it at the moment. But I am prepared for S if that is what it takes.

I truly sympathize with your attitude, S is the absolute last thing I wanted too. But after reading DB/ DR and Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" I came to realize that my sitch isn't about what I want, it's about what my wife wants, and as much as it hurts me I have to accept what she wants and allow her to pursue it. So when she pushed for S I told her I understood why she felt that way and supported her decision. Notice that I did not agree to it, I simply supported her and validated her emotions. I helped her move and I helped her set up her house. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE. I'm very persuasive and probably could have coerced her into staying, that is what I really wanted to do. But it would have been wrong. Please note that I am not telling you to push for S, I'm just saying that if she pushes for S you should not stop her. Because if you try to stop her she will perceive it as pressure, and she will see it as you disagreeing with her thoughts and emotions.

AnotherStander - thanks so much for the list of responses. I am prepared for S and you are absoloutely right in your comments re snooping and trying to diagnose W. I drove myself mad with this and decided that what will be will be. There is nothing I can do or have control over other than myself.

Exactly, well said!

This is the frustating thing - I know we could have an even stronger, better relationship than before if we get through this.

YES! I know what you mean, same here! All we can do is give them space, work on ourselves and hope we get that opportunity some day. Hopefully we will, but the concept of DB'ing is that even if we don't we'll still emerge as better, stronger people.

They don't want a "master" and they don't want a "servant" in the H, they want a man of strength, moral character, and not afraid of calling the shots when decisions need to be made and taking responsibility for them.

Well said! Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? Because you summarized one of the chapters quite well! It's called "The Captain and First Officer Model". The idea is the husband is the captain and the wife the first officer. Very briefly, they both share an important role in running the ship. The captain may make the decisions, but he is constantly consulting the first officer for input and advice. He is not master over his wife, he does call the shots and takes responsibility but the wife plays an important, respected role in the decision-making too.

The last thing she wants is to feel she has another kid to take care of. So by all means, don't give her any excuse to think of you in that way.

This is a small example, but take laundry for instance. There's nothing that makes a woman feel less lovely than washing her husband's dirty underwear and socks. It makes her feel exactly like his mother. These are the kinds of things that slowly erode a romantic R over the years!

[lionhrt]

Hi all, I am using my blackberry for this as have not had time at my this last day. So apologies if it is a little rough!

Thanks all for the comments and advice. It is helping. Nero, sry to here u going through this and u really have got stamina. I am just short of a month since BD and the reality still not set in properly.

Re reading signs the strangest thing happened las night. W is a big music fan and always burnin discs etc. Got home last night and she was doin her own compilation. I was makin dinner and not listening. However, she turned volume right up for kelly clarksons life [censored] without you and just sat there listening with me behind her preping food. Then turned it down and carried on. Later she went to looking at houses for rent again so guess if it was a sign it was fairly short lived. However, felt compelled to look at the lyrics!

I know I know am getting sidetracked on what w is thinking etc etc and shouldn't. But that got m questioning if there are signs how do u pick up on them and how do u react?

Guess she is still confused but it just seemed strange how she turned the volume right up - then again she cld just like the song I suppose!

Anyway, back to work and thanks all - I will do a more detailed post when I can get on the computer.

Take care all and I will stop obsessing about what w is doing!

[lionhrt]

Hi, another quick q. Should I order db book as well as dr? Thanks

[lionhrt]

Help, ok have had an up n down day. But now w looking at properties that way exceed her benefits entitlement. At the moment I am on a complete downer about whole sitch and feel like giving her a deadline by which to move out and making it clear I will not be contributing towards her rent etc.

Starting to get paranoid there maybe an om as well. Grief I need to get a grip - felt positive earlier n then come crashing down! Getting really angry with w n trying to hold it in.

She seems to have it all planned out, how we will remain friends, how I will go to her placer and help with bedtime etc, how in the future we can spend time together as a family etc. My gut reaction is to tell her that if she wants to move out then she is oin her own. But then I can't do that to my S and wld like to be involved as much as poss!

How do u people cope?

[hopefulinga]

It's a roller coaster for sure and I am struggling to cope as well. This has been a horrible week for me. I was trying to hold the anger in and I blew up this am.

My H has some similar views about the future. I don't think they understand the impact a separation or D will have on the family.

Sorry I can't be of help in the coping department.

[Cadet]

Hi, another quick q. Should I order db book as well as dr? Thanks

I read both of them as well as everything else that MWD wrote.

If you need to choose read the DR book.

[newman7977]

Starting to get paranoid there maybe an om as well. Grief I need to get a grip - felt positive earlier n then come crashing down! Getting really angry with w n trying to hold it in.

How do u people cope?

Rkyfat73,

Don't blow-up you will regret it. I blew up at my sitch two weeks ago with my w and I felt like I have undone some of my positives.

I'm the same emotions one minute happy then another minute fuming mad. We are in a bad sitch. In my sitch I know There's OM. Today is also my bad day of suspicions. But I promise myself this morning that I will not confront w.

My coping mechanisms lately is writing my feelings down here on the boards instead of w. Keep writing your feelings here to keep busy and hopefully it will diffuse.

Hang in there.

Newman