Trying to Save my Marriage

[AnotherStander]

I also didn't show very much affection but how do I show him affection to him when he doesn't want me to?

You mentioned the 5LL, first you should get that book and determine his primary language. If it's "physical touch" there are non-affectionate ways to communicate in that language and the book discusses them. I downloaded the book to my PC and read it using Kindle software, so thats a book you can download and read while you're waiting for DR to arrive. But you should note that you could be wrong about his PLL. It may be something else, and if it is then trying to show him attention in the wrong language may have little to no effect on him.

My therapist said make small gestures like rub his arm, or stroke his back, fix his shirt, that type of thing so I'm trying. But that seems like the opposite of what people are saying on here - by going dark and ignoring him.

You might want to put your efforts on hold until you get the book and read it. You're confusing some of the different techniques. "Going dark" is the "LRT"- last resort technique. It's called that because it is the last resort when all else has failed and your spouse is all but cashed out of the R. I don't think you need to go there just yet. We're recommending detaching and GAL'ing which is not the same thing as going dark. Detaching is about giving your spouse room and concentrating on yourself.

I'm confused he's cold and distant and I don't think he would care if I talked to him at all. But then he says goodnight to me and leaves the green jube jubes which he doesn't like but he knows I like them and put them on the counter in front of me. Its soooooooo confusing!!

Welcome to our world. Our spouses, whether they're walkaways or MLCers, communicate in inconsistent, confusing and frustrating ways. That's why DR is such an important resource, it explains to you what you should pay attention to and what you shouldn't.

Also, what's the rule about sharing with my friends my efforts? I'm worried that it could get back to him through their husbands.

That's a huge concern. it's best to create a support circle that has no connections to your spouse. For me this required reestablishing some very old friendships.

And I'm trying to GAL but I really don't have a lot of close friends now and my daughter needs me right now, she is going through a very rough period, adjusting to school and I know she senses something is wrong at home.

Your daughter comes first, and you're quite right in thinking she needs a lot of support right now. We get so swept up in our own misery that we tend to forget the kids are as confused and lost in this as we are. Please make absolutely sure she understands that both parents love her and that she has nothing to do with the situation. I've had to talk to my kids several times about this. It broke my heart when S9 came to me just a few days ago and told me he was sorry because he had caused our separation by telling mommy that I had yelled at him and she got mad about it. This was after we had already talked several times over the past months about him not having any fault in this. Don't ever assume your kids are OK with things, they need constant reassurances. And it almost always has to come from the LBS because the WAS lives in a dream world where everything is going to be just perfect and nothing needs to be talked about.