I also didn't show very much affection but how do I show him affection to him when he doesn't want me to?
You mentioned the 5LL, first you should get that book and determine his primary language. If it's "physical touch" there are non-affectionate ways to communicate in that language and the book discusses them. I downloaded the book to my PC and read it using Kindle software, so thats a book you can download and read while you're waiting for DR to arrive. But you should note that you could be wrong about his PLL. It may be something else, and if it is then trying to show him attention in the wrong language may have little to no effect on him.
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My therapist said make small gestures like rub his arm, or stroke his back, fix his shirt, that type of thing so I'm trying. But that seems like the opposite of what people are saying on here - by going dark and ignoring him.
You might want to put your efforts on hold until you get the book and read it. You're confusing some of the different techniques. "Going dark" is the "LRT"- last resort technique. It's called that because it is the last resort when all else has failed and your spouse is all but cashed out of the R. I don't think you need to go there just yet. We're recommending detaching and GAL'ing which is not the same thing as going dark. Detaching is about giving your spouse room and concentrating on yourself.
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I'm confused he's cold and distant and I don't think he would care if I talked to him at all. But then he says goodnight to me and leaves the green jube jubes which he doesn't like but he knows I like them and put them on the counter in front of me. Its soooooooo confusing!!
Welcome to our world. Our spouses, whether they're walkaways or MLCers, communicate in inconsistent, confusing and frustrating ways. That's why DR is such an important resource, it explains to you what you should pay attention to and what you shouldn't.
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Also, what's the rule about sharing with my friends my efforts? I'm worried that it could get back to him through their husbands.
That's a huge concern. it's best to create a support circle that has no connections to your spouse. For me this required reestablishing some very old friendships.
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And I'm trying to GAL but I really don't have a lot of close friends now and my daughter needs me right now, she is going through a very rough period, adjusting to school and I know she senses something is wrong at home.
Your daughter comes first, and you're quite right in thinking she needs a lot of support right now. We get so swept up in our own misery that we tend to forget the kids are as confused and lost in this as we are. Please make absolutely sure she understands that both parents love her and that she has nothing to do with the situation. I've had to talk to my kids several times about this. It broke my heart when S9 came to me just a few days ago and told me he was sorry because he had caused our separation by telling mommy that I had yelled at him and she got mad about it. This was after we had already talked several times over the past months about him not having any fault in this. Don't ever assume your kids are OK with things, they need constant reassurances. And it almost always has to come from the LBS because the WAS lives in a dream world where everything is going to be just perfect and nothing needs to be talked about.
Cadet: what do you mean "cannot be meeting any of his needs while he is in a relationship"? As in I shouldn't? We will live under the same roof so I am still cooking his meals, doing the laundry, and buying him things, cleaning the house, taking care of his daughter. Those are needs too aren't they?
He doesn't make any effort to talk about anything "us" related at all and he is ignoring (I think) the affect this is having on our daughter. He think she just needs more discipline and I think she needs more attention. Is that normal? I realize in my situation, where I was the WAW at one point and now he is the WAH, but I always thought about the effects on my daughter. I am trying to remember that I was essentially in his shoes at one point (altho I did not have another man, I did have another woman (friend) who I was going to to support my emotional needs. I'm trying to enlarge my circle of friends - joined a book club! But most of my true friends are married to "his" friends - we have been together for 15 years. Some are very supportive but I don't want to put them in any position where they are hiding or sharing things with their husbands which could get back to mine.
I really am confused about how to act right now and I just want to "be myself". I've been here, kind, friendly and attentive for the past 3 weeks and that's not working. On Monday he's going away for work for a week, which is good in a way because he won't be around OW. I don't know if I should keep in touch with him or not. So confusing
Also (again, I apologize for the multiple posts), does it mean anything if he is introducing OW to "our" friends? I am not sure if he is or not but I think 2 weeks ago when he went away for the weekend he said he was going to our friends house who live about 2 hours away. I think she went with him. I'm not entirely sure tho. She took up one of his hobbies (while hanging around another married man who hangs around with my husband) so he's been hanging out with her with mutual friends there as well (skeet shooting). But she's been "hanging around" for about 2 years now, it only "became" something about a month ago when she found out we separated. I know she has nothing to do with this at all but its hard not to think of why she would want to involve herslef in a situation like this. She is 8 years younger than him, lonely and has no friends. And of course I have no idea what he is telling her at all.
Cadet: what do you mean "cannot be meeting any of his needs while he is in a relationship"? As in I shouldn't? We will live under the same roof so I am still cooking his meals, doing the laundry, and buying him things, cleaning the house, taking care of his daughter. Those are needs too aren't they?
Yes and so he has the best of both worlds, you take care of those needs and he has an OW taking care of other needs. That is called cake eating and will help to perpetuate the affair.
When the light of day get shined on the affair she may not be so desireable.
But right now I would guess she is an affair down fulfilling some fantasy need of his.
Right now I would suggest you continue to gather information, get the DR book and read it and just be still and do nothing.
You have lots of time for action and making the best choices.
Sorry for the questions but what do you mean "perpetuate" the affair? And I still don't really know if it is an "affair" per say because technically I called it "quits" around middle of April. Altho my therapist said it is an affair because we are still living together.
And I am not sure he is trying to hide it or not. He may have introduced her to some our friends, im not sure and he "hangs" around with her in public but a girlfriend of mine who has been with them says she has seen nothing "between" them. He told his mother a while ago that she was just a friend who he talked to but im not sure I believe it. Hes never been the type to cheat or lie, ever and is not someone who sleeps around. This concerns me as well because in my head I think that he wouldnt really start up something with someone if he wasnt serious. When this first started I asked him if she knew what was going on at home and he hesitated and said yes she knew but he told her it has been over between us for a while which is a lie. He also made a comment of "I fear our drama will push her away". A year ago he said she was an immature little girl!! So confusing.
I suppose at one point I was cake eating too, just not with another man. But I had my freedom and also my family safe and sound at home. Its the mirror effect - he's doing things I used to (constant texting, never puts his phone down, shaving all the time, being out, etc). I came to my senses, so now its my turn to wait.
I came to my senses, slowly but was still pretty stubborn. I started really missing him and started hating my life as it was. I started to see how people were using me and how much he meant to me, and my daughter. I longed for my "simple" life again where I wasn't always on the go go go and rushing around and working all the time and not having any time for my daughter. I guess I was just a little too late. Literally probably within days. He asked me to go to the concert where he "met" her. I really wanted to go but was stubborn so stayed home with my daughter (well we didn't have a sitter either but it was more stubborness).
I saw my therapist this morning and basically she said if I want to continue then to continue as I am doing - wait. Do not ask any questions about OW, or about "us", and just keep trying to show him the real me and that I am not going anywhere.
But if this is what is perpetuating his "affair", then i'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to turn "bitch" on him and stop doing his laundry and supper etc. Even when I was the WAW I was still doing all of these things and was and still am the primary care giver for our daughter.
Our house is for sale, has been for a very long time - over a year. We put it on the market last year so we could start fresh in a new home, just the three of us (so it hasn't all been bad for the past 2 years) but we are in a bad area for sales (train, private road). I love our home and want to stay because we built it ourselves for our daughter to have a nice place to live.
But, it could still sell, heck there are people looking at it today. And if that happens, I am on a countdown of about 2-3 months for when we go our separate ways. And then he has even more freedom but it could also be a reality check for him. But I hope it doesnt get that far. And he probably does not realize that he is not allowed to introduce our daughter to anyone for at least a year after we go our separate ways (therapist recommended).
What should I do while still living together? Should I really consider asking him to move out? I so cannot wait to get that book!!!
I saw my therapist this morning and basically she said if I want to continue then to continue as I am doing - wait. Do not ask any questions about OW, or about "us", and just keep trying to show him the real me and that I am not going anywhere.
Right this minute I agree with your therapist. DO NOTHING.
I am not telling you to turn into a B!t** You really need to get to a place where this all can just roll off your back like water off a duck. Detachment is for YOU. So you can gain strength and not be bothered by what he DOES.
