P was twitching to figure out her schedule so we looked at the calendar and had a sometimes difficult discussion about the project and how long she would stick around to help. I wTt she should do what worked for her. I also said I was concerned that she'd help with demolition and then have to leave, like with the bathroom (shouldn't have said it that way...)
Later, I noted that she seemed frustrated. That was the opening... She didn't want to be blamed for anything about the bathroom project. It's not her fault that it took me so long. She would have finished it in a week. It's not her fault that I made any of the decisions that made it more difficult. It's not her fault that I hadn't already started the roof by the time she arrived. I listened. I agreed. I validated. I observed. I didn't argue. I silently grieved.
Seems she was feeling very defensive about thinking she was being blamed. Plenty of "you flunked the test" stuff to throw in a pinch. Pretty discouraging to hear. Oh well. It is what it is right now.
During the whole discussion about the scheduling, P did a really impressive job of stating her limits and considerations. She's always acted offended at the concept of boundaries, but she's doing a really good job of implementing them. I'm happy to see that. It's actually passing one of my tests.
The 3 month winter gig is looking unlikely, so P proposed a one month alternative. Better than nothing.
hope you are on the blanket - because i am slightly off it, bounding around with a bit of "anger" on your behalf
some of our picnic sisters got really mad a while ago at my h and it was hard for me to see at the time, even though i appreciated their concern for me. and now i understand - i got so mad when i read your post about how your w treated you. i won't say more, because i'm practicing self-restraint
but I LOVE how you handled it. you are doing so great considering how edgy you were a few weeks ago. your w is SEEING the changes and it's unnerving her bad, and so she's just testing to see if she can get you to "revert"
i'm so glad that you are standing still and not letting her get to you. if you're edgy or shaky after this, which would be understandable , come over to the blanket - let's have popcorn and cake and large shots of whatever your pleasure is
i also love that you quietly referred in your post to YOUR tests that you expect w to pass.
btw - without intending to make you "relive" the past - how long since BD? i only noticed a short while ago that you signed up here in '04 and i'm confused - tried to go find you first thread but couldn't
also - how are the goals going - you monitoring?
love ya, brave girl - you are showing a bucketful of courage and strength here during this time
(((((((((( )))))))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i am with zig.. sounds like she is testing you and not able to contain her feelings... you, on the other hand, are handling it all beautifully. way to go, SD, superdyke for sure.. i can see the superhero outfit now in neon! (((((((( ))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Further answer for Zig. Last fall P was dithering. Decided to stay. I thought I was in the clear (hand smacking head...) She was silently (or not so silently) keeping score during our winter travels and dropped the bomb the day after we got back. Left a few weeks later.
We've been working away. Lots of opportunities for old issues to come up. It seems that we're both being more detached as we deal with frustrations and triggers.
One of my goals is to remember to smile more in the midst of working.
It only just now registered in my brain that I got a bit of a hug. P was feeling a little sorry for me after a friend came over and they ganged up on me about figuring out some of the project details. After the friend left, P came over and gave me a hug and said, "It is hard to figure all this stuff out."
I'm noting this, because there hasn't been much in the way of affection. As I'm thinking about it, it seemed that she intentionally let her knee touch mine during another discussion today. Hmmm.
In figuring out the project details, I mentioned that we each have our frustrations with the way the other approaches things. I think I've been doing a good job of listening to P and her ideas (as well as her frustrations) and being clear about what my priorities and limits are.
The work is tiring, so bedtime is coming earlier these days...
sounds like you are handling things really well.. what do you think your P will see as different from past visits... that you are calmer and less easily frustrated? it sure sounds like you are "holding your seat" very well and that is truly challenging working on house projects for sure..
isn't that interesting?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
DB coach always asks, "What will she see that's different?" I have to force myself to think about that. It's not a normal train of thought.
I'm on the road again this week. Hot pink cape flapping as I whip along on my motorbike...
I got a bit of an affectionate hug this morning before I left. I suspect that P misses the affection but is trying hard at times to not mislead me. I keep noting the exceptions to the new physical distance regimen. I also need to remind myself that P being nice is a sign of P wanting to be a nice person - nothing more. And P being affectionate is a sign of P appreciating physical warmth - nothing more.
I've been doing a pretty good job of, well, not really thinking about things. It'll only mess with my brain and then I'll act weird and cause more problems. I mean, regardless of what she's thinking, I can't expect her behavior to be entirely consistent (whose is?) so I'm not going to stress myself trying to extrapolate off micro-trends. Just be present. Enjoy what is, or deal with it, as appropriate.
We had a convo today that demonstrated P being more up front about some things that stress her. That gave me the opportunity to address it and demonstrate that I want to find a solution that doesn't feel stressful to her. It's encouraging to me that she's been doing some personal growth work, too, though she hasn't talked much about it.
I really should see about another coaching session...
I also need to remind myself that P being nice is a sign of P wanting to be a nice person - nothing more.
this is a good reminder. I know i have often in the past thought 'oh H is being nice, he MUST want me'
...ahhhh......no. He just wants to be a nice guy.
Hope you are well SD. I think of you every time i now think "isn't that interesting". which is a heck of a lot nowadays!
(((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Today's observation is about how awkward it is for me to have P at my house while I'm on the road and not do daily phone calls. She called about a specific project question yesterday and I called back, then followed up with an email last night that was basically just a check-in. She emailed a status update this morning.
I realize that I have an expectation of daily contact. P made it clear when she left that she doesn't want that, so I need to continually remind myself of that reality as the context slightly changes and I'm tempted to reach out.
