During one of our "discussions" he said "I notice everything you do, but because you need praise for things you should automatically be doing I am not going to give it to you"
When he says stuff like that I am just hearing spite.
Yes, it could very well have been spite. So you just need to understand that is possible, and then learn to let that go. That's something HE has to deal with. Learn not to react. It's not easy, but it is helpful and healthy for YOU, no matter the outcome.
Originally Posted By: Mystify
I think right now it is so hard to see what his LL is.
Look to the past to understand what his LL is. It won't change. It is still the same as it always has been, so the past is your guide, not his reaction to your actions. Those are independent and part of the process of YOU DOING YOUR DB WORK.
Originally Posted By: Mystify
Pursuer or the pursued? Good Question. I think through our our relationship this has flipped flopped. Dating I was the Pursuer then a few years into our M switched to him. I was pulling away (We had a hard time having kids so I got depressed I had 6 miscarriages etc) Then the A happened. He was still the Pursuer but then his EA happened and it turned to me. So there has been a lot of flop flopping.....
This may be something you want to look at more closely. You pursued, then you stopped pursuing, so he pursued you. It's the pursue / withdraw dynamic in many relationships. Some like being chased, some like chasing. And it is almost apparent in how you write the above that shows the process from dating to now and how the two of you reacted to the changes.
Which again is what DB is all about when it's said, "change yourself to change the sitch". When we change the pattern, the sitch changes. The pattern you described above led to a negative outcome. We, individually, can change a pattern in a positive way, which might lead to a positive outcome. It's the same principles.
