Sitting on the Blanket

[bustingout]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2283612&#Post2283612

My previous thread.....

[Breakdown]

This is the longest picnic ever! I hope you are doing well!

[bustingout]

LOL breakdown! It certainly 'effin is!

[bustingout]

my last post on my previous thread:


NG-definietly feel much more 'present' than i have in a very long time.

Am also very much aware that i am sitting through emotions instead of fleeing them. Just tonight...i had to be at school for parent conferences. When i left i thought 'wow, i am lonely...going back to a quiet house (kids already asleep), no one to share my life with).

I was so tempted to call someone, anyone...actually not anyone..i wanted to call H...i did not of course. And i thought how 'easy' it would be to call up a guy, have him come over and get distracted from my feelings by having someone here to talk to, watch tv with...spend time with.

I felt like i could see through H's eyes all of a sudden....how from his point of view...the loneliness and want to be with someone when feeling lonely and hurt...how easy it is to get that started with another person. To cover up the pain and hurt and fear of being alone.

This really is all counter intuitive isn't it? But i prefer this path. I want to get to my destination a better person. Strong in the fact that knowing that I can sit alone, i can acknowledge my feelings without fear, but with the knowledge of what they are and where they are coming from, and i don't have to react.

I GAL, I GAL a lot. I also enjoy being home. And i enjoy my company. I enjoy my kids i enjoy my home.

Today H and I had a few texts. Kid driven texts but a few ha ha's stemming from them, which was positive. One text he sent me though...i think it wasn't meant for me. It as so outside the pattern of communication we now have. He sent me a text about calling the kids and a second one came immediately afterwards about how he had just watched the new batman movie (i know its not new for many of you anymore!), and how fricken amazing it was. Was it meant for me? I don't know. I don't think so. But i took it at face value and in my response to him about his first text (when he would be calling the kids), i also responded about the movie text (happy you enjoyed it!).

My coach told me recently that if I am sincere about wanting to build at least a friendship with H, then i should probably lead that...because he won't...still too scared and confused, but that he would probably mirror it. That friends share their lives. And she suggested i started small.

And i realized I was afraid as well to take that lead for fear of being shot down. But i tried in one of the kid centered texts. I mentioned a little more detail about something that happened with the kids today, but involved me as well. a LOL kind of moment. He did respond with a funny comment as well. Who knows.

Anyway, I like that i am no longer as blindly hopeful with these interactions as I would have been 6 months ago. I feel much more grounded in reality. At least I hope i am!

And i also realized that I am going to be ok. If H proceeds with the D, which for all intents and purposes he plans on doing, i am not going to change. I am not going to go back to being angry, bitter and scared. I may not like it, i may not want it and i may not believe in it, but i will be ok.

NG, Vero...a movie would be a blockbuster indeed!!!!!!! so now we know who is going to write it...more importantly who is going to play our characters?!?! LOL

Its time for a new thread.....will start one now....

busting out...

[needgrace]

hi dear busting,

well i think ellen degeneres will play me..LOL

what about you busting?

i love how you are sitting still and not running away to feel better.. not contacting H when you have that awful itch (i know it well).. instead getting through your feelings on your own. what courage!!

((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))

[bustingout]

Hi sweet NG (((( ))))

lol i love it! if its ellen for you then i guess that also means you can bust a move! lol! we gotta get those moves into the movie script!

Am not sure who would be me.... hmmmm....fun to think about! LOL

Hope you are well? How is the view of your star now that you are so much closer to it?

btw...about two years ago, my S8 coined our family the STAR family because the first letter in each our names is S-T-A-R. Hence, I love the star concept even more :-)

oh that awful itch......but isn't it true, the more you scratch the more it itches...so glad to not be scratching....:-)

Have a great day NG...am off to bed soon over here!

(((( ))))

[longrun]

bustingout, just a quick comment: I admire your integrity and honesty. It would be so easy to flee into the arms of a new partner but you are resisting the temptation of a quick fix. Your strong character will carry you through no matter what will happen.

[figure-it-out]

Hi Busting,
Wanted to stop by and check out your thread. After reading a bit I realized I have been following your situation. It seems you and I share much of the same feelings surrounding our situations, however you articulate yours much better than I!
I had my son's back to school night last week and remember feeling just as you did walking out of the school. Very alone, wishing there was someone there to share the evening's events. It's odd sometimes the situations where these feelings come over me, out of nowhere it seems.
Just wanted to say I admire your strength and determiniation to get through this time in your life with grace and come out the other side a better mom, woman, YOU regardless of the outcome.

[afa75]

Glad I found you on the blanket Busting.

I can so relate to the kid events and loneliness; and at the same time, realize you can do things as an individual (a nicer reframe than alone).

Stay strong and there's plenty of Grattitude for everyone.

Zig, I'm sure you'll come across this post sooner than later, for you I have to share that I swerved away from a turtle in the middle of the road and wondered which one of yours it may have been.

Hope all are doing well!

[bustingout]

Hi figure it out, thanks for stopping by!

I know what you mean about feelings seeming to come out of no where....I was perfectly fine while I was at the parent conference, and as soon as I walked to the car in the dark I just that 'ugh'. Maybe next time, since its obviously a trigger, I need to plan to have a good DVD ready to watch when I get home or something....

I hope you are well today. Will come check on you!

((((( )))))