Frustrated and Confused

[~ kd ~]

I have been trying to do "Acts of Service" but he is just seeing that at me trying to keep him in the marriage.

That is code for "I need space". ie. He's feeling pressure, so soften things or back off a touch. Also though, again context here, he might SAY that... but what's his actions telling you? Is he distancing from you or is he just using pouty words to try to scare you away...

1. He thinks I ask to many questions. Example- He came home from work one day and he had a Band-Aid on his hand.
-So I am trying not to ask to many questions and just let it go. This is very hard for me because I am very Analytical.

OK, good. IF his LL were words of affirmation, then he MIGHT want you to ask questions. In this case, he probably WAS embarrassed. So let him lead. If he wants to tell you about something like that, then let him bring it up.

2. He said I always get what I want - He said no matter what happens I always come out "Smelling like Roses" Traffic ticket I get off, we needed money for a down payment on a house I got the money, I get laid off from my job I get a better paying job.......etc

While that doesn't sound like a valid complaint, take note. He sees YOU as "successful", even in mistakes or accidents, and wonders why HE isn't, so he's jealous. Yes, that's his problem. Thing is, if you bring your success up to him (looking for words of affirmation), he might likely see it as you rubbing his (lack of success) face in it. You may get your chance to get your words of affirmation. Just stop seeking them, for now.

3. He thinks I am lazy - I would come home from work and expect him to have dinner made. He was home 2 hours before me and if dinner was not made I was a bit miffed. It takes me 2 hours to get home from work so I am not home until 7. He is home at 5. I guess back in the day I would get mad, now I just do not expect him to do it. So I get home and I make dinner. I guess I have lowered my expectations here.

Having dinner made COULD be a "gift" LL and not an act of service. I'm just pointing that out, although that may not be relevant in this "complaint". I would ask, would "lazy" be HIS word, or YOUR word of how YOU THINK his complaint here, is?

If that IS his complaint and his word, then perhaps his LL IS acts of service. ie. If you are not filling his LL bucket, then he will not fill yours. He's possibly doing the withholding, here. Not right or wrong, just what it might be.

Notice the stuff I struck out. Those are just REASONS for why you EXPECTED him to have supper ready. Also, be careful about suggesting you're lowering your expectations. That's possibly anger showing up and would not at all be attractive and is probably showing up in how you interact with your H, because you feel he is not living up to your expectations. On expectations...? Drop them... The serve no value here... and often... in life in general...

Eventually, you may get to a point where the two of you actively seek to fill each other's love buckets. Until you get through this first part, just observe and do not judge yourself or your H. This is Solutions oriented Brief Therapy kind of stuff. DO -> OBSERVE -> ADJUST -> CONTINUE

You'll find your pattern or you'll find yourself D. Either way, SBT... DB... is the focus, here...

4. I ask his opinion too much - I think this may play into the I always get what I want. When he told me that I decided to ask his option about everything. And his response to me is always "do what you want" or "I do not care" So I will ask again and I get the same response. So I get frustrated he is not answering and he get frustrated I am asking. I get what I want because he does not have an opinion.

Again, I'm not sure how valid this one is. Why would you ask his opinion if you always succeed in getting what you want? Why ask a plumber how to wire your home? So possibly a bit of jealousy on his part in that complaint. Also, IF / WHEN you've asked his opinion, did you do what he suggested... or did you just do what you wanted because his idea wasn't going to work for you?

So, if you ARE going to ask for his opinion, make sure it's in something that he's good at or something that you'll actually follow through with. Otherwise, he likely feels you really don't value his opinion.

Rather than asking his opinion on what you could or should do about something... ask his opinion about benign things... like the weather... or again, things that interest him... and let him speak and just listen... maybe... his LL is quality time? Some times people have TWO LLs and if feeding one doesn't work, you could try the other.

5. He thinks I do not hear him - This just came up when he said he wanted to leave. In the beginning I did the "don't leave" thing that was before I found DB. Now when he brings it up I do not say much. I am not sure what he wants me to do when he says these things, Pack his stuff?

Well, the "don't think you hear me" theme DOES seem to be coming up a lot. So I'd put bets THIS one is valid. AND... I think it might underlie something else...

Do you think he might feel that you are a bit... controlling...?

...his response was "I loved you so I would just overlook them" I mean really!! How am I supposed to know I am doing these things that annoy him if he never tells me?

Take a good look at that. While it is not generally healthy to overlook negative things, he possibly was suggesting that he was prepared to take the good with the bad and work through things. Guys really are like that...

Yes, communication is a fail point for many, if not most couples. Among other things, that's what DB can help you become better at. NOT talking... COMMUNICATING...

You know, considering... I wonder if Quality time might at least be a secondary LL, if not a primary, with Acts of Service as a secondary...

When the two of you started going out, what would a "date" consist of? Group settings? Diner and a movie? When the two of you were really getting along well and your H seemed really happy and content... what were the types of things going on between the two of you? What were you doing?