An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

Saloom -- Thanks for your post! I do hope you come to Piecing! it does sound as though you are facing some of the issues that we do face once our Ses return.

I don't know the answer to your question, I'm afraid...but I do know that your h's healing/getting over his A is not something you can control directly, right? Yes, you can create a loving and forgiving environment for him, you can show him through YOUR forgiveness that his actions are forgiveable, etc, but in the end, the final work will be his.

I'll stop by your thread when I can but the other thought I have is focus on creating your best M possible...on righting whatever existed to distract your h so...I think using your energies in those ways are your best bet.

Sage

[sage]

i am slowly gathering information from my new favorite motivational speaker brian tracy - i have posted two exerps of his audio tapes on what he calls the "luck factor"

i really thought you would enjoy these, and i know your not making it outside your thread to much these days so i thought i would hijack

please let me know what you think.

KK -THANKS for this! I've been mired in work and homework...but I've got some free time over the next few days...can't wait to catch up on my reading..including these links!

Sage

[sage]

Had some tremendous positives yesterday..

1. when I picked h up from the train he said "hello my beautiful, supportive, lovely, warm..<snip more wonderful words from h!>" He went on for so long with loving and affectionate adjectives

2. h has been showing a genuine interest in hearing about my schoolwork. This is actually a very big change from years past when either a) he wasn't particularly interested or b) I just thought that he wasn't. He asks questions, remembers stuff that I tell him, etc.

3. h said to me last night "tell me one good thing and one bad thing about your day". I LOVE this way of sparking a conversation! PLUS, it gave me the opportunity to bring something up with him...

Yesterday afternoon I was in major stress mode...had a big presentation due today for work and I was behind on my homework (due yesterday) and I was just in THAT mood ...I was on the phone with h and I was abrupt with him when I was getting off because I really, really just needed to go do work.

When he asked me about the good/bad thing I told him that the bad thing was that I had found myself in such a stressed out mood and that I had been abrupt with him (I didn't mention spinning on it mentally for hours afterwards, too... ). He said (lovingly) "just tell me clearly when you need to be doing something else..." etc. We talked about it for a bit longer. It was a great, great conversation.

THAT stressed out mood + ASSumptions = the ball of fury I was talking about in my Monday update.

When I get stressed and start thinking that I'm alienating him or he won't help me or a thousand other mind spins...well, that's when I get closed off/frustrated/withdrawn/angry. Having him remind me that it's AOK to just be CLEAR with what's up with me and what I may need from him is going to go a LONG way for us. Frankly, this area is a BIGGIE and getting thru it is a big step.

I am a lucky, lucky, lucky, grateful woman.

Sage

[sage]

Looks like Jonathan Cainer's website has moved to here:

Cainer's Astrology site

I'm glad I found it because my forecast for today is awesome!

The Beatles sang, 'All you need is love.' But then, they were millionaire pop stars at the time. They already had money, fame, talent and even a degree of power. So perhaps it was true for them. Love was all they needed because they already had everything else. But what about the rest of us? Is love really all that we need too? That rather depends on what you mean by love, and by how deeply, sincerely and unconditionally you feel it. There is already love in your life. There is soon going to be a whole lot more. That may well prove to be, indeed, all you need.

Sage

[sage]

Had a very good day yesterday.

Positives:

1. Made a presentation to sr. management that went very well. I felt well-prepared (tho' I did procrastinate on putting the materials together -- arrgh to Sage!) and they were very positive. I also got some homework done so I'm feeling better about that too.

2. Went out to dinner with my dad and stepmom. Also saw my brother afterwards...I haven't spent much time with them over the last year+ and just recently started reconnecting with them over the holidays. It's a big PMA boost to be with them...they are all so happy to be with me again. Reminds me that love comes from many corners of my life if I let it.

3. Didn't get to see h much yesterday but had some very good conversation time...we talked about $$ (which historically has been a control/insecurity/frustration issue) without either of us batting an eye or stressing out. It's interesting...for a LONG time I felt that intimacy in our conversation was lacking...that we couldn't talk about the "hard stuff" and that it would take some grandious gesture to fix that. What it turns out, though, is that it takes minute events...very small connections...a bit more patience here...a calmer response...better listening. It's the teeny, tiny things that add up.

We did the "tell me one good thing and one bad thing" again last night. I think this could be a really great tool for us. The "bad thing" gets articulated in a way that is non-defense-provoking (yes, that is a word) and it just seems to help me get uncomfortable feelings out there. Last night my "bad thing" was that I had felt very judgemental of my stepmother over a particular topic...by expressing it to h in the context of the "bad thing" he knew that it was important to me and he spent a few minutes talking with me about it...I think if I had just brought it up out of the blue, I would have been more hesitant and he may have been less validating/more dismissive.

Do you know what I mean?

Sage

[nikatnight]

Sage,

I love that idea about one good thing/one bad thing. Do you do this for things only in general or do you focus it at times on each other?

I asked H how the week went and if there was anything that bothered him re:me. That was last weekend. I was thinking of checking in with each other 1x/week. I definately think a good thing needs to offset the bad thing.

My hope is to not let any resentments build up again, by allowing 1x/week to address any issues we may have.

Our talk was good. H mentioned that sometimes my questions rub him the wrong way and I mentioned that I would like him to be more available via phone.

Thoughts?

nik

[psluke]

Good Morning Sage,

Things sound Awesome here as usual!!!

You are a wonderful, loving, caring person and I wanted to remind you of that and wish you a good Monday!

[sage]

Sage,

I love that idea about one good thing/one bad thing. Do you do this for things only in general or do you focus it at times on each other?

Nik -- well we've only done the good/bad thing a few times so I'm not sure we've got a pattern going...All my comments have been unrelated to H or the M...and that's the way I'll definitely keep it in relation to the BAD (I might use the "good" to highlight something that he's done, though). I just think it would reduce the amount of conversation we'll have if I used the "bad" time to talk about him or R.

Sage

[sage]

Hey Ms. Pam! thanks for the greeting! Nice to see you out and about!

Well...my weekend was great! Hooray for the Patriots!!!

I met h in town on Friday night and we went out to dinner. He was really drained -- had had a SUPER long day -- so we just relaxed!

Saturday we were both doing other things (him studying, me out with Mom and sis). I met him at school and gave him a ride home. We decided to have a relaxing night -- take out and a movie. Finally watched "Finding Nemo"!

Sunday we STUDIED. Whew! I am SO IMPRESSED with my h and his dedication. He is an inspiration to me! We each got quite a bit done...then off to a Superbowl party. h made some awesome nachos which were the hit of the party!

At one point during the night it just struck me how different things are now...SO MUCH FOR THE BETTER! Every aspect of our M. has improved.

Today is off to a terrific start! h called to let me know that our insurance company had called about something...I thought he was calling to ask me to take care of it but HE had already done it. THIS is a perfect example of how different things are now...a few years ago, I would have "had" to take care of it...

h just also bounced the idea of switching to full time school or maybe even switching to a different school full time (the school he's at has the best evening program in our area but is probably 3rd in terms of full time). it is AMAZING to me how much he loves law school! I love how happy he is!

Positives:
1. h told me on Saturday a list of reasons why he loves me. it was spontaneous and heartfelt. The stuff he said really touched me...a lot about how versatile I am (can be comfortable being relaxed or dressed up, can talk with anyone, etc) and lots about how supportive I've been. I'm not sure what prompted the list although it MAY have been a sensitive response to the fact that I was feeling a little closed off since h had spent the day with his study partner...just a whole bunch of reassurance from h!

2. The party last night was with "the group" that ow used to be part of...at one point last night I was really able to see how many ways I've changed in the last 2 years...working really hard on myself, letting go of attachments and ASSumptions, etc. I'm still very much a work in progress but I really think that DB'ing has helped me grow a great deal.

3. I'm just really happy right now...I think I've just reached another level where I can relax a bit more, take some delight in how far we've come. I feel like we're pulling together and I LIKE IT!

Sage

[psluke]

Good Morning Sage,

Things seem to be going so great right now!!

All of your and h's hard work is paying off!!