About to separate....

[mamabird]

Nail,
You just took your first baby step. Congratulations. It's the small stuff that makes all the difference. Your W already feels better about you!

[dorightman]

Talked today in a calm way. She just got a new job and she is happy about it. It will give us health insurance for half of what we pay now, so she feels great about being able to contribute. But she said she also feels sad about our current sitch. I asked why and she said that in the past when we where under financial stress, I told her that she wasn't able to help and she told me that she was working towards helping out financially in the future, she's in grad school, and I said thats not going to help us pay the bills today, but I'll believe it when I see it. Now that she's able to contribute, she feels sad that I couldn't see the forest from the trees in the past and she resents me for it. Well I just said that I'm sorry for what I said to her in the past, that I was under such heavy financial strain that I couldn't deal. I was afraid that we would lose the house and I was acting under fear, but it was real because I could see that within a couple of months we wouldn't be able to pay our mortgage. This was also at the time when millions of people where losing their houses and i was losing my mind. I asked her to try to put herself in my shoes and feel what it felt like to be the only bread winner in the family and see yourself failing in that role. It was too much for me to handle at the time. She says that i put money before her, but that just wasn't true. I felt like I was trying to take care of the family and failing. I closed down, shut off emotionally, became depressed, said mean things that I didn't mean, bla,bla,bla...It [censored] that she is holding on to all that negative stuff from the past. I hope she can get past it, but I don't know. I'm trying very hard to detach and give her her space. I asked her to give us more time to see if her feelings will change because I'am honoring her request for space and I'am detaching as much as possible. Any comments or suggestions will be appreciated.

[dorightman]

Today my w went to NYC with her girlfriend. In the past I would have probably grilled her as to where and what she was doing, but I did a 180 and just told her to have a great time. I assured her that I would take good care of the kids and not to worry. She said she would be back by 10pm and later in the day she texted me that she would be back later, more like 11:30pm. I texted back "ok" and "have a good time". I'm not sure that I will stay up, I'm thinking I should go to bed before she comes home so that she doesn't think i'am checking up on her.

[dorightman]

Here's a question for all you DB veterans. What do I say to my w when she asks me "How do I trust that you aren't just making these changes for the goal of getting me back, instead of doing them for you, with no intention of an outcome in mind?"

[MrBond]

You tell her that the choices and the changes you have made are for you. You understand that she's been trying to tell you about certain things for years and you finally "hear" her.

Whether it's too late for your M or not, the changes are longlasting.

[MrBond]

BTW,

I would change your name to something a little more upbeat. If you say that it's the "nailinthecoffin", then you're telling yourself there's no hope.

[dorightman]

Thanks Mr.Bond. Good advice, nailinthecoffin "is in spite of" , I do have hope.

[dorightman]

I was reading a book about parenting today to learn how to be a better father. When my wife came home, I was telling her about a chapter and she reacted defensively with anger telling me I shouldn't be schooling her because she already knows this stuff! I raised my voice a little in response to her anger and explained that I was just reflecting on what I had read. It just bummed me out because I'm trying to be so positive and she has been really negative lately. It's really hard to keep my cool around her. She keeps criticizing everything I say and do.

[MrBond]

"She keeps criticizing everything I say and do."

They all do that.

Next time instead of reacting in anger, calmly tell her that you were just reflecting on what you read and what you learned from it. Then ask her if she's okay and how her day was. Then just listen. Kill her with kindness to diffuse the situation.

[Denver_2010]

"She keeps criticizing everything I say and do."

They all do that.

Next time instead of reacting in anger, calmly tell her that you were just reflecting on what you read and what you learned from it. Then ask her if she's okay and how her day was. Then just listen. Kill her with kindness to diffuse the situation.

wisdom! ^^^