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I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I could certainly call her under the auspices of work... As we do need to talk about some work-related stuff. Now that could be done via email, but a phone conversation would be more effective.

The only thing there is I'd have to hope that SHE brings up the thing "we needed to talk about in person" or asks why I'm not calling her or whatever... Because if I call to talk about work, I can't just launch into the "Conversation" for no reason...

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I was actually going to ask you if there was any other purpose that you could come up with to reach out. IF you are determined to do this, that's how I would do it. Call her. Talk to her about the work stuff. Then follow up with... "we haven't talked much W. how the hell are ya?' ... something like that to open the door.

It's not ideal, but IMO, better than just calling her and laying into her with the convo.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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wow! that is exactly where I am. If you reach out and ask if she is having an affair and she is not you will still not be in a positive light.She will say you are controlling her and not giving her space. I am waiting so far but it is hard I know..eventually it has to come out doesn't it? I am just assuming that my W is having one and moving on from there...maybe that is what you have to do...sorry to hear this it tears me up as well. Hold tight this ride can't last forever


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Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
I'm NOT doing it out of spite (although it may well look that way to her).


That is what I am afraid of. All that matters is how she PERCEIVES it. Perception is reality.



Perception is HER reality.

You may be able to change her perception.

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Yeah, I hear ya on that Denver... It's certainly not ideal, but what is these days! smile

I keep thinking this is like a band-aid... That if I just go ahead and rip it off, it'll hurt like hell for a bit, but that will fade. If I keep on slowly dragging it out... well that's been crappy so far!

7720, thanks for chiming in. I'm not planning on ASKING if she's having an affair, as I've seen evidence that there's at least an EA and almost certainly a PA going on. I'm going to be very pointed and careful in my wording so as not to seem controlling (by reassuring her that she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions, but these are MY PERSONAL boundaries. I can't change her mind, and I won't try to, I just have to do this for me. I'm not shutting the door on the marriage, but I won't continue to be her friend or H as long as OM is in the picture). If she claims I'm not giving her space at this point (over a month without a peep from me), I might have her committed smile

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Hi AT,

I hope you're feeling ok. It sounds to me like you're on the eve of something big. It does require a lot of thought.
Personally, I'd like to do this in person if I had a choice and since she is coming down in a few days to pick up her stuff, that sounds like the prefect time to me (even though you agreed to her terms "easier and as stress-free as possible" of not being there when she does come). Why would you make things easier and stress free for her? She's leaving you and it shouldn't be easy and stress free.

If you are going to go ahead with this (and I'm not suggesting you do)just be there in YOUR home when she comes. Take her by surprise. Take control of YOUR situation. Tell who ever is there with her to go and have a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe (don't give them the choice - it's your home and you should have a right to allow who you want in it)and then ask your W what she is up to.

See where this leads and if you have the opportunity or the need to set a boundary, do it then, in person. Be firm about it. Show strength but also stay loving. Don't give her a reason to hate you (she will probably make some up anyway). Then give her her stuff (which in my opinion you should have ready) and tell her to go.

In this way, you are not letting her dictate what she can do and how she does it on your turf and you are telling her, decisively how you feel about what she is doing with no opportunities for misunderstandings. You are fighting for your marriage and you are showing strength.

JMO

Best of luck mate!

BTW how did she respond to your suggesting that you might have something on Saturday?


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M-49
W-42
1D-10
T 10 YEARS
M 9 YEARS
EA/MLC 07/2010
Separation 28/05/2012
PA confirmed 31/07/12
W Asked for D 31/07/12
D on and off the table since then
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Hey Arsene! Thanks for chiming in. First, she didn't respond to my last email about having something to do that weekend... No surprise there!

While I'd like to do this in person, I've already agreed not to be in the house when she comes. I will be packing up all her stuff, but I don't plan on being there. I know Chatter thinks this is insane, but there's literally nothing in the house that she could take which would upset me in any way... It's all just material stuff... And I'll be taking whatever things I may miss along with me out of town that weekend.

I just don't think that going back on my word on this one would be a good thing. While I don't want to make it "easier" on her, I also don't want to simply be there to be there... That's passive aggressive behavior at its finest at this point.

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Originally Posted By: AlkalineThoughts
Hey Arsene! Thanks for chiming in. First, she didn't respond to my last email about having something to do that weekend... No surprise there!

While I'd like to do this in person, I've already agreed not to be in the house when she comes. I will be packing up all her stuff, but I don't plan on being there. I know Chatter thinks this is insane, but there's literally nothing in the house that she could take which would upset me in any way... It's all just material stuff... And I'll be taking whatever things I may miss along with me out of town that weekend.

I just don't think that going back on my word on this one would be a good thing. While I don't want to make it "easier" on her, I also don't want to simply be there to be there... That's passive aggressive behavior at its finest at this point.


I agree AT. There is a time and a place to be tough... and there is a time and a place to show reasonableness. I let my W have access to the home when she moved and again, 6 months later, when she moved again and wanted to take more stuff. I told her that it is was fine that she take the items that she needed for now, and that we would figure it all out later, IF we moved forward with the divorce. I was careful to slip that last part in so that she knew that I was not just conceding ownership of the things that she took.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Update Time and Spoiler Alert: Tonight's conversation didn't go anything like I thought it would.

So I spent about an hour after I got home trying to get into the right mindset to give W a call and have this conversation. Once I finally got to the point that I felt "comfortable" I shot her a text saying simply "Hey W". She responded back "Hey. What's Up".

I texted back "Do you have a few minutes to talk tonight?" to which she responded that she was eating dinner but would call me in 10 minutes.

20 agonizing minutes later she finally called. She sounded happy and asked what was up. I immediately launched into the work related stuff that we needed to chat about. That part went quite well. Once we were done with that, she asked me how I was doing. i responded that I was good and immediately deflected the conversation back to her, telling her that it's been forever since we last talked and asking what was going on.

She spent the next 40 minutes talking my ear off updating me on her life: Her job hunt, stories about her friends, and letting me know that she had "Good news or Bad News..." then told me that her best friend and her husband had decided to try to work it out (after talking about a D a few weeks ago)... She said that she had her "Own opinions on that... but whatever" (clearly showing that she disapproved of their attempt at working through their issues) and went on to the next subject.

This whole time, she was talking NONSTOP, literally giving me almost NO time to even get more than an "Uh Huh" in... which is par for the course with my W.

Once she was finally done and there was a few moments of silence, I decided to launch into what I had called about. I asked her if she was still planning on coming down with her friend (the one who'd recently decided to work on her marriage issues) next weekend.

She launched into another story about something funny happening in her friends life, as a long winded way of telling me that her friend wouldn't be able to come down as early as she'd hoped, so W is planning on coming down next Friday alone to "start packing" then her friend will come down on Saturday morning, they'll load the cars and head back on Saturday night as her friend has to be back for work on Sunday morning.

This changed the game for me quite a bit. I immediately asked if we could talk on Friday when she came down alone, and she quickly responded "Yes, for sure, as long as it doesn't interrupt your plans for Friday night". She reiterated about 10 times that she didn't want to interrupt my Friday plans and be in the way, and I told her that it wouldn't be an issue. She also asked if I could spend an hour or so with her so we could "talk about stuff and decide who takes what".

I agreed to that, and she AGAIN said she didn't want to interrupt my Friday plans. I told her that either way I'd have to stop home after work to change, and I could spare some time to chat and help pack before I go out... (FYI. I have NO plans that Friday whatsoever... but I think I need to make some now!)

So with the knowledge that she'll be coming down alone for a night, I decided to put off the "Conversation" until we can meet face-to-face. I quickly thanked her for chatting and got off the phone. So it looks like not only will I get to have this conversation face-to-face, but I'll also be able to "Help her pack".

I'm definitely mind-reading here, but I got the feeling that she has very much moved on from our R... But I can't pinpoint exactly what she said or sounded like to get me to feel that way.

She said a few times about how hard it would be to see "The Baby" (a reference to our puppy) but, and I quote "I can't have everything I want... Hell I can't have ANYTHING I want... Well I should have just stuck with the first statement..."

I didn't react to that at all, simply saying "Okay, well I'll see you next week W. Thanks for talking tonight. Goodnight" and hung up the phone.

The only bad part about the conversation, aside from me getting the feeling that she's SO done with our R, is now I have about 10 more days of stressing out about seeing her for the first time in about 4 months. But it certainly worked out better than having to do it over the phone. Now I can look into her beautiful eyes and hope I don't melt while I have the "Conversation"...

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Good deal Alk. Best to do this in person, as I've said all along.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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