@Barb: Belleau Wood is a WW 1 battlefield. Of the places in this world Marines hold as sacred ground it seems to be the easiest for a common tourist to visit. I might be able to tie this together with business travel negating some of the expense. If I am able to visit western France then I might as well take a couple of days and visit a few other places.
@Ellie: X gets angry and spews at the extended family and our children more often than me. I have maintained relationships with most of the extended family and of course my children. She put much effort into having me shunned. She has not received the response she feels is appropriate so she gets angry and spews. As I take the high road and do not engage or return in kind she only damages herself.
I realize it is through this that X is interfering with my life. Perhaps more importantly her meddling is wearing thin with the children. Taking the long view this causes me to be mindful of how my actions can place my children in an uncomfortable situation with X.
I am attempting to have an adult relationship with the adults in my family. X is attempting to control her relationships. In the end she is only hurting herself.
Journaling: I had a very good weekend. My sister was visiting mom and I took a couple of days off work at the end of the week. (four day weekend) Thursday and Friday we made little shopping trips, and visited mom together. I didn’t make dinner most of the week.
Saturday morning, I sealed the flat roof on the rental SIL lives in. My sister pulled a few weeds from around the foundation while I spread fibrated tar on the roof. Afterward my sister and I discussed how awkward SIL must feel with me as a landlord. (Oh well you’ll have that). I was a little dehydrated and took a break for about an hour after , sipping water in the A/C.
Saturday evening I grilled steaks and we had an impromptu picnic at my house. We got mom out of her house for a few hours. My son and DIL brought GD, ate and visited with us.
Sunday I took my sister to the airport. Mom and I drove home lost in our own thoughts. Mom did note a few changes along the route home. I spent the rest of Sunday cleaning up around the houses. I pulled a shrub XW had planted in an inconvenient location, cleaned the awning on the RV. I managed to get cleaning solution splashed in my eye. Standard first aid, flush the eye and carry on. I looked at the eye in a mirror and my daughter looked it over when she stopped by after work. It is still a little irritated today, but otherwise unaffected.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Labor day has come and gone. I was busy. I planned to attend the local air show, but I did not. There is always next year although I’d rather watch the Blue Angles than the ThunderBirds. Go figure.
I have spent several pleasant days with family and drove Mom around to several appointments. Just marking time until the QDRO goes through. I have confirmed plans to hunt in WV again. My cousin is seriously considering a bear permit this year.
Today I spoke with my L. There are some more documents to sign related to the changes X made to the QDRO distribution. I’ll stop at his office after work this evening.
In the Soap Opera, The children are shielding me from drama X is creating in their world. My daughter is ignoring telephone calls and DIL began to express some of her frustration and then stopped b/c I was present. I have no desire to watch the show. Their frustration bleeds over sometimes and bothers me some and then I remind myself it is not my issue to deal with.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: The documents I needed to sign are the result of X changing how her portion of our 401K is to be distributed. She will now take all of the monies as available funds. Kudos to my L for writing in a clause limiting my tax and penalty liability to what was originally agreed to.
This latest decision to change might push back the last actions of the decree into next year. Last year I jokingly referred to X as the Grinch due to her interferences with my Christmas celebrations. That moniker may become permanent until evidence to the contrary is perceived.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
@Rick: Yes they are equalized. We are taking more than half out as a means to pay off the debt we accumulated and begin anew with clean slates. X has changed the amount she can use as discretionary funds three times through modifications of the QDRO. The amount she is taking does not change. How it is distributed or rolls over does.
The effects of her changes are she pays more in penalties and taxes, and of course the delay induced by each of these changes. She made some very poor monetary decisions just after she filed in December. Taking most of the distribution as available funds seems to be the corner she painted herself into.
By the time this is settled and the funds are distributed I’ll be able to demonstrate to the bank how I’ve been able to pay all of my debts, spousal support and mortgage included for six months.
So these delays actually will benefit me with the refinance of the house. Once the refinance is accomplished I should be able to breathe a little easier and have a little discretionary money available. So the future is a little brighter on that front.
Journaling: On Friday DIL asked if I could babysit. So I spent Friday night play with my GD. She is crawling now. Not up on all fours yet, she is practicing her low crawl, elbows and knees. She is getting around exploring her world. DIL has given up trying to keep her on a play blanket.
Sat DIL asked me to provide a ride to the auto repair place and later she, son and GD visited my mother. Mom was very happy and still excited when I visited her a few hours later.
Sun I managed to get the yardwork accomplished for two of the houses. Then back to work.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: GD is up on all fours and beginning to babble. They grow fast don’t they.
I attended Nephew2’s Eagle Scout award ceremony. X was there. It went well. We avoided each other and when we couldn’t we ignored each other.
I toyed with the idea of walking over and giving her a great big hug and rejected the idea as it would have been only to F with her mind and she is having enough trouble there these days
I perceive some underlying tension in the extended family principally with SIL2. This could have been a function of her son’s ceremony and that I was acknowledged in it. Whatever, remaining composed and not being the source of tension was proper.
There is also the possibility a conversation I had with SIL2 illuminated some of what is bothering her. During it she said “We are only really complete when all of the sisters are together”. I agreed with her in that three of the sisters are very close. Where that goes is up to them, for the most part the extended family consists of adults or nearly adult children and they should be treated as such.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: I cycled again, back to the beginning, I spent the better part of a day last week when I wasn’t otherwise occupied pondering why she felt she needed the divorce. I still cannot fathom why she quit on us.
From my POV we’d weathered other storms more intense than this one, always found a way to make it through and build a stronger relationship. Past experience gave me hope we would do so again. Even up to today there remains a small amount of hope. Not that I am waiting around.
And so I cycled over the last week. I still feel a bit of resentment and I’ll work to let it go. I think seeing her at the Eagle Ceremony triggered the beginning of it. I chose to let it continue. I wanted to examine and try and make sense of it. I guess she did not need to leave so much as she chose to leave and most of her reasons were rationalizations.
None of this is a new realization. I’ve been here before. I wonder how many times I’ll feel the need to repeat it. I need to accept that she chose to leave. I am trying to do so without rancor. In my make up quitting is a sin.
In other news this weekend when DIL had a crisis and needed someone to sit with GD she called me first. The little girl is making more vocalizations trying out her vocabulary. She is almost 9 months now.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS, you know those dreams that we all have, when we wake up and go "oh thank God, it was just a dream"...
This isn't one of those.
I don't know how many times I thought to myself at the beginning of it all, that maybe I would just wake up... and then I thought, maybe my W would just wake up... and then I realized... ain't nobody sleeping...
All you can do is make your new normal. And it sounds like you're settling in to that. Of course you'll cycle. And as we always say, things will get better. No matter how that looks.
This isn’t a dream. This is the new normal and how good it gets is up to us. I do know the dreams through, vivid dreams.
I know seeing her was the trigger. She is not the person I married or maintained a relationship with over all these years. She doesn’t even seem to be the person who ran away or who divorced us. She is so damaged. I know she needs to work through her issues and I am oddly at peace to let her do so. There was a period when I would have attempted to rescue. I feel as I am past that. She is a stranger.
She is breathing. There is no arterial spray. She is wounding herself and I cannot treat her shock.
I am slowly removing the last vestiges of her presence from the house. As I do so I continue to find evidence of her crisis. At some point she began writing in notebooks snippets of information and feelings. They are interspersed with shopping lists and other mundane notes. I have stopped torturing myself and toss every notebook I find. I have not yet touched the computer she used. When I am ready I think I’ll boot it off a CD and wipe the drives. There is nothing I need upon it. I cannot explain why I have not accomplished this yet. I know what Chesty would do.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
It is a process JS. Getting rid of stuff and making home your own. It takes time. So don't feel the need to rush and no need to question yourself. You will not come up with a rational answer and you don't need to torture yourself. KD is right things will get better.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
