Sitting on the Blanket

[bustingout]

my last post on my previous thread:


NG-definietly feel much more 'present' than i have in a very long time.

Am also very much aware that i am sitting through emotions instead of fleeing them. Just tonight...i had to be at school for parent conferences. When i left i thought 'wow, i am lonely...going back to a quiet house (kids already asleep), no one to share my life with).

I was so tempted to call someone, anyone...actually not anyone..i wanted to call H...i did not of course. And i thought how 'easy' it would be to call up a guy, have him come over and get distracted from my feelings by having someone here to talk to, watch tv with...spend time with.

I felt like i could see through H's eyes all of a sudden....how from his point of view...the loneliness and want to be with someone when feeling lonely and hurt...how easy it is to get that started with another person. To cover up the pain and hurt and fear of being alone.

This really is all counter intuitive isn't it? But i prefer this path. I want to get to my destination a better person. Strong in the fact that knowing that I can sit alone, i can acknowledge my feelings without fear, but with the knowledge of what they are and where they are coming from, and i don't have to react.

I GAL, I GAL a lot. I also enjoy being home. And i enjoy my company. I enjoy my kids i enjoy my home.

Today H and I had a few texts. Kid driven texts but a few ha ha's stemming from them, which was positive. One text he sent me though...i think it wasn't meant for me. It as so outside the pattern of communication we now have. He sent me a text about calling the kids and a second one came immediately afterwards about how he had just watched the new batman movie (i know its not new for many of you anymore!), and how fricken amazing it was. Was it meant for me? I don't know. I don't think so. But i took it at face value and in my response to him about his first text (when he would be calling the kids), i also responded about the movie text (happy you enjoyed it!).

My coach told me recently that if I am sincere about wanting to build at least a friendship with H, then i should probably lead that...because he won't...still too scared and confused, but that he would probably mirror it. That friends share their lives. And she suggested i started small.

And i realized I was afraid as well to take that lead for fear of being shot down. But i tried in one of the kid centered texts. I mentioned a little more detail about something that happened with the kids today, but involved me as well. a LOL kind of moment. He did respond with a funny comment as well. Who knows.

Anyway, I like that i am no longer as blindly hopeful with these interactions as I would have been 6 months ago. I feel much more grounded in reality. At least I hope i am!

And i also realized that I am going to be ok. If H proceeds with the D, which for all intents and purposes he plans on doing, i am not going to change. I am not going to go back to being angry, bitter and scared. I may not like it, i may not want it and i may not believe in it, but i will be ok.

NG, Vero...a movie would be a blockbuster indeed!!!!!!! so now we know who is going to write it...more importantly who is going to play our characters?!?! LOL

Its time for a new thread.....will start one now....

busting out...