For the record no Separation is the last think I want. Whilst I understand the need for her to get away out of the fog I think given our specific circumstances it would push her deeper into it at the moment. But I am prepared for S if that is what it takes.
I truly sympathize with your attitude, S is the absolute last thing I wanted too. But after reading DB/ DR and Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" I came to realize that my sitch isn't about what I want, it's about what my wife wants, and as much as it hurts me I have to accept what she wants and allow her to pursue it. So when she pushed for S I told her I understood why she felt that way and supported her decision. Notice that I did not agree to it, I simply supported her and validated her emotions. I helped her move and I helped her set up her house. IT WAS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE. I'm very persuasive and probably could have coerced her into staying, that is what I really wanted to do. But it would have been wrong. Please note that I am not telling you to push for S, I'm just saying that if she pushes for S you should not stop her. Because if you try to stop her she will perceive it as pressure, and she will see it as you disagreeing with her thoughts and emotions.
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AnotherStander - thanks so much for the list of responses. I am prepared for S and you are absoloutely right in your comments re snooping and trying to diagnose W. I drove myself mad with this and decided that what will be will be. There is nothing I can do or have control over other than myself.
Exactly, well said!
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This is the frustating thing - I know we could have an even stronger, better relationship than before if we get through this.
YES! I know what you mean, same here! All we can do is give them space, work on ourselves and hope we get that opportunity some day. Hopefully we will, but the concept of DB'ing is that even if we don't we'll still emerge as better, stronger people.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
They don't want a "master" and they don't want a "servant" in the H, they want a man of strength, moral character, and not afraid of calling the shots when decisions need to be made and taking responsibility for them.
Well said! Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? Because you summarized one of the chapters quite well! It's called "The Captain and First Officer Model". The idea is the husband is the captain and the wife the first officer. Very briefly, they both share an important role in running the ship. The captain may make the decisions, but he is constantly consulting the first officer for input and advice. He is not master over his wife, he does call the shots and takes responsibility but the wife plays an important, respected role in the decision-making too.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
The last thing she wants is to feel she has another kid to take care of. So by all means, don't give her any excuse to think of you in that way.
This is a small example, but take laundry for instance. There's nothing that makes a woman feel less lovely than washing her husband's dirty underwear and socks. It makes her feel exactly like his mother. These are the kinds of things that slowly erode a romantic R over the years!
