I don't call her throughout the day. She initiates all (us usually always business) conversations, whether phone or text. I'm usually home when the kids get home.
I probably can't give you an answer that is satisfactory, b/c I am sure it doesn't make a lot of sense to the LBH....but here goes. Compliments from my H were not appreciated when I was a WAW. In fact, I dare say, the WAW who is in an A, will make mockery (in her heart) when the H compliments her bodily appearance. I also believe it is pursuing. So my advice is don't do it.
As for it being a 180 for you......there are a lot of things you could or should have done in the past that would be 180's now....however, it won't work now. That's the valid point in all of this.....what works and what doesn't work. At this particular time in your R, it won't work. Maybe some day it will, but not now.
Your second goal of being affectionate.......like a friend? She doesn't want it. She doesn't want you TOUCHING her! It makes no difference that you would be showing her a 180. Her goal right now is to show you that she doesn't want you in her life! It will take time before she'll even let you be a friend.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
To be quite honest, I'm hangin on by a thread and not sure how much longer I can han on to the hopes, or desire to be married to her. She is showing such a mean and resentful side right now which I am sure is common.
Last night, she asked me to leave her money for gas. Pretty sure that I mentioned previously I had removed her from the joint account because she is consistently overdrawing the account. I told her I would ensure she had the money she NEEDS. So I left $20 for her to get gas for her van. She had a Dr appointment today so I told her I would meet her to pick up my D4. She was in the store where she said to meet when I walked up. I treated her and gave my D a huge hug. She made some small talk(real brief) and I politely and cheerfully answered and returned focus to D, asking where she wanted to eat for lunch. The W huffed and said something like, "well, I'm gonna need you to follow me to the gas station to fill my van up. The 20 only gave me about 1/4 of a tank". She went on to say sarcastically," do you know how frustrating it is to not have access to the money and need gas". I pulled out my wallet and gave her the remainder of the cash I had. About $23 dollars. I told her here, this is all I have. She also said "well you able to buy cigarettes when you need them!" I acknowledged and told her I had quit because I didn't want to, or couldn't afford that habit anymore. I went on to tell her that I was broke and I know how she felt. I told D to give mommy a kiss. She did, then ran back to me. We started walking toward the front of the store and W said that "well, I gotta walk out too". I said ok and slowed D down so we could walk out together. Then she made a comment that really pissed me off. She said "I just thought about this, but don't you need to go home now to eat, since you don't have any money?" I tried not to show my anger and said D and I will just split a small sandwich" as we were walking , I said look, I understand you think I'm the bad guy and that I cut you off but I...." she didn't let me finish. She started mumbling rude comments under her breath. The first was how I didn't know what it felt like needing gas and something else. Since she was mumbling I asked her" what was that?" and she didn't answer and peeled off down an aisle of the store. I just continued walking with daughter, acting as cheerful as possible, holding her hand and skipping away. W came out, just behind us and we went to seperate areas of the parking lot. D and I left, W was still setting in her van when we left. That was it.
Btw, to give more insight on the financial sitch, my SD15's father was killed a few years ago. In his death, SD receives approx $1500 dollars a month from Social Security. This was mostly all put in a bank for her, some being of course used for her support. Since she was and is a minor, this money was put into an account attached to my wife. When she moved out August 2011, she took control of this account and transferred all of the money, and switched the direct deposit, into her own personal account. She moved to a different state, about 8 hours away without a job, appt or anything. She lived there from Aug through December without a job. She racked up bills, credit cards, and did whatever for those 3 months. She worked a couple of temp jobs, then found a part time job in late Dec. she moved back home in April and since then, still uses that money to pay the debt she racked up while gone. Supposedly anyway. I have asked numerous times since she came back, and I thought we were doing well, where the money went. She always said that "it all goes to bills". I'm not quit sure. She had complete access to my bank, and continuously spent from that as well. That's why I had to remove her from the accounts. I pay every bill from the "marriage" before seperation and post.
I know I'm rambling now, but if anyone is kind enough to read and provide feedback.
You're under a lot of pressure and your emotions are trying to rule your life. You have a right to feel the way you do.
It's very obvious that your W doesn't know how to handle money, or else she's keeping a big secret about something.
You've tried to do what you thought was right toward your SD's support money. She's proven that she doesn't have the same integrity. At least, that's the way it appears. Has she always paid the bills? She said SD's checks went toward paying bills, like you aren't aware of what they are. Maybe you should keep all the books from now on, so that you do know what all the bills are.
In your W's defense about asking you for gas money.....it always bugged the mess out of me to have to ask my H for money. It put pressure on him and I resented the heck out of it. So, since you can't afford to leave your check book for your W, then I'd suggest you give her a set amount at the beginning of the work week and tell her that's all she gets till the next week. Of course, you need to ask her ahead of time if there's any doctor appointments, beauty shops, etc., before you give her any of the money. A lot of women have to live on a budget in this day & time. She'll probably not like it and say you're trying to put her on an allowance, which is true, but it doesn't have the degrading feel to it like holding her hand out every time she needs something. Perhaps you've tried this in the past and it didn't work.
Plainly, she can't be trusted or she hasn't been educated in budgeting. JMHO, but I'm not so sure I wouldn't prevent her from having access to your personal account until she has started respecting it more.
Another suggestion I have, but on a different topic, is not to make statements about your goals. Have you ever tried to stop smoking before? A non-smoker learns not to get too hoped up when they hear the S is going to quit smoking.......again. I don't encourage it while trying to DB simply b/c you already have so much you're trying to accomplish. But whatever you do, don't give her more to throw in your face.
I know I don't have the gift of encouragement and write real sweet posts. Doesn't mean I don't wish you the best. Keeping on hanging on b/c you will get better. Don't take on more than you can handle, and you'll discover you can handle more than you took on. Does that make sense? (lol) I believe you will handle more than you feel like you can....right now. If you don't reach one of your goals today or tomorrow, it doesn't mean you are a failure as a man. Don't give up and jump off the entire mountain if your foot slips.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dont apologize for not having the gift of sweet notes. I am a "Rip the band aid" kinda person.
To clarify on the bills thing. I have paid all the bills for years. She did for the first 8 or 9 years or so but she was terrible at it. I took them over about 4 years ago. The bills that she uses the $1500 dollars for are for the bills she accumulated when she left me and the kids. I still pay all the bills compiled together.
Journaling now:
Got a text from her this morning, questioning me on a $400 dollar withdrawal from my bank account (she can still see it online). I responded the 340 went to the van payment, 43 went to her (yesterday), $12 dollars went to filling up my motorcycle, and $5 was spent frivolously. I was p!$$ed. I went on to ask her "since you have the right to as where my money goes, do I have the same right to ask where D15's goes? She replied "YOUR MONEY"!!! I said "So the paycheck I recieve is "ours" and the one that you get for D15 is "yours"? YES I WAS BEING A SARCASTIC A**. She went on to list all the things that she supposibly pays for with taht money. She also said a few sarcastic things. My response was "Lets get this out now!! When you wanted to be married, yes everything (money) was just as much yours as it was mine. You had COMPLETE access. Since you now want out of this marriage and do not want to work on anything, it is not. Now... I will continue to buy all the food, pay for vehicle repairs, pay the bills we accrued together, house repairs, kids clothes, and bill, bills, bills. If you NEED anything, I will do my best to provide it. I'm broke, so I cant provide much...
She kept questioning how we got here financially. I told her that it was an irrelevant conversation and I didnt have an answer. I told her that we were both to blame and I wasnt trying to put the blame all on her.
The last text I sent her was as follows:
"I am sorry for the pain I have caused and the wedge that has been driven between us. I did what I thought was right. I really just dont think you and I wanted the same things. I am not trying to hurt you or keep you from anything. I understand that you want someting different, so i will file the paperwork that week. I have had it for a while, just never wanted to file it. But the War is lost, I have no fight left.!"
Thats the way I feel. I am so sick of this, I cant go on living this way. I am done. Gonna file the paperwork as soon as I can.
Believe me. Divorce is the very last thing that I want. I just dont really know what else to do. I can't understand my W. Like yesterday, after the text battle, I get home from work and start playing with my D4 and watching TV. Wife started making small talk again. Then she mentioned going pumpkin picking at a local farm with the kids, she said "not sure if you want to, but if you want to go". Im just so f'n confused whats going on in her brain.
I need to GAL. The last few weeks its been difficult because of the 4 to 9 pm internship/volunteering that she does. I feel very uncomfortable leaving the kids home alone. My D15 is more than capable, but thats not her job. The wife however seems to have no problems doing it.
Next week is the last week. I guess i will see how it goes. Could filing the papers have the same affect as a 180/LRT?
