Generally speaking, from the perspective of the BS (betrayed spouse), there is emotionally very little difference, if at all, between a PA and an EA. In many ways, it really is an issue of lost trust. So while it is unfortunate you were the recipient of the betrayal, it obviously helps you understand.

So we don't really have to look at why the two of you stepped out of the M, because there's certainly rationalizations, in the end, you are BOTH dealing with having to fix broken trust, among other things.

I think the 5LL online quiz is decent, although the book really helps to flesh it out. I did not find it an easy read as I lost context on some of the descriptions. Still, a great reference book to have on hand.

Let's remove the idea that your H thinks it's "stupid" for you to need words of affirmation. He doesn't understand, in the same way that you would not have previously understood his need for "acts of service". You could be on the mark for the both of you, but keep watching because sometimes one LL might look like a different LL, to the observer. As you have done, you want to look at how they treat others, because often it's how they want to be treated.

I will mention though, that my W's LL is very likely different than how she comes across, and I believe that's because of her upbringing. For example, she showed as "acts of service", yet without a doubt, she is "physical touch", possibly with "gifts" as a strong second. The reason I am positive of this is because, when she receives "acts of service", she does not appear to appreciate them. She DOES like "physical touch", touching feet under the covers, she touches and brushes people when out socially, close proximity. She also gives gifts a lot. So again, what you see is not always what you get.

Having said that, you can experiment with that. Again, let me lead by saying that initially, you will not likely get your H to start giving you words of affirmation. Eventually, he may, but for now, take that off your immediate goal.

Can you remember a time when you provided an act of service for your H... ok, everyone get their minds out of the gutter... grin Did he appreciate it? Why do you think so (in either possible answer)?

What kinds of acts of service could you do for your H? List them here please, so we can look through whether they might be pursuing. FTR, I want to review pursuit distance with you, because pursuing might be something you SHOULD be doing if that is not your past behaviour. Otherwise, if you should NOT be pursuing. Anyhow, the point is, providing your H with benign acts of service will give you an idea of whether he is or is not receptive.

On the other side of that coin, be aware of when your H might be providing you with an act of service that is intentionally because he loves you vs. simply something that needed to be done. When he DOES do an act of service, let him know you appreciate it. That serves two purposes. First, he knows that you recognize his act, and secondly, you are feeding back to him in your LL, which may encourage him to start to reciprocate.

As all things DB, these are things that you would want to do for a long enough period of time to see if they are working. At first, your H may pull back from this type of engagement. Keep doing it, just slow it down or be more subtle with it and lets see how it works after a couple or three weeks.

In the mean time, would you say that generally speaking, throughout your M, were you the pursuer or the pursued?