Keep breathing...

[Denver_2010]

So this is pretty much what I told my H. Maybe with some of these details of OM2 left off, but I wasn't trying to hide anything from him. The main point that I was trying to get across is that H and I can't communicate, and that we need to fix it. I was afraid to share my feelings, and I didn't feel safe.

H said that he and I weren't "friends" anymore. He is right about that. We did mean things to each other and didn't respect each other and didn't treat each other nicely and didn't put the other first and all of those things... I owned it all with him. He did bust his a$$ earning money and putting this house together and making dinner and being the primary parent while I was out of the house working at a miserable job. And I didn't appreciate him.

I think, though, that I finally reached a place with him where I was able to convince him that it's worth another try. He asked what "try" meant. I told him that it meant really working as hard as I could on our communication and our marriage. He said he was skeptical that we could ever put things right again, that I could ever change enough. I said I was skeptical too. A lot has to be fixed. It took us a long time to get here and it will take a long time to get back. He says I am very difficult to communicate with, on top of selfish, not to mention malicious. He is not out of line in saying this. Many mistakes have been made.

But he let me rub his back while I talked to him, and we talked a little about LL. I told him mine were WOA and QT, and I said his was touch. He agreed, so I said when he lets me touch him he receives love from me. I told him I really needed more WOA and I told him he needs to tell me what he wants. He has a habit of saying "whatever" instead of expressing his needs, then when I don't meet his needs he gets upset.

The trust issue will still be huge, which I understand. I am going to have to work extra hard on that one. H is very sensitive.

All in all, I see that we've made some breakthroughs... I am hoping that we can start doing some family things together. I want desperately to feel less disconnected from him. It is so ironic that now we are communicating more honestly and intimately than we have in a long time, but it is good work. Yes, it's still very fragile but I am so hoping he can find it in him to try...

ABSOLUTELY AWESOME LA! Very good!! I think that this is a HUGE first step!!

Have you read the 5LL"s? You may have said before, but I forget?

If not, there is a chapter, and I forget which it is that contains a story of a therapist who advises a wife to spend a number of months just loving her husband. To see if her actions would cause him to eventually reciprocate. If I recall correctly, she did it and it worked. I highly suggest that you look at that chapter.

Spend the next 3 months just loving your H. Providing him with as much of his LL as possible. Look past his shortcomings during this time. Continue to be open and honest with him. Maybe the two of you can learn how to be friends and love one another again.

I definitely see hope here.

Denver