That is EXACTLY right. YOU determine your path. Not the 'team' here. You are the only one with all of the information you need. You are the only one who knows how interactions with your wife can go and the only one who knows what consequences you are willing to live with given your choices.
I have not read your full situation, and will try to do so, but you have lots of options.
^^^^^^^^^^To me, that seems to be the bottom line mate. Mind you I do agree with the fact that you shouldn't come out of darkness just to give her the talk. I'd wait her out.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Thanks DB Mod and Arsene for chiming in. I've been tossing this around in my head all weekend... And I'm still not much closer to an answer. It's hard to tell if the "Darkness" is working at all externally (which I know isn't at all the point of going dark) but I'm sure it's working okay for me.
However, I'm starting to think that the things W has said over the last few months (about me not fighting, me never reaching out etc) could be damaging any chances I may have to reconcile... At least without her knowing the REASON why I'm not reaching out...
BUT, at the same time, my actions ARE speaking loudly and I'm feeling much more detached than I have ever before.
So I won't be acting on this either way until I'm more sure of what will work the best. I thank you all for your advice here, as it's been very helpful, and as DB said, I need to make my own decisions knowing my sitch.
Well, I've been pouring this over in my head for days now and I think I need to veer off the path I've been on, at least for this conversation.
Although it goes against what most of you are suggesting (and it may be a mistake) I can't keep on down this path I find myself on without the knowledge that I've let her know where I'm standing. The conversation may lead to the end of our marriage, but not having the conversation isn't going to be good in the long run either way... I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her for no reason, I don't want her to think I'm condoning her actions, and I don't want her to think I'm not actively fighting against nearly insurmountable odds to save our relationship. Again, this could be the beginning of the end, and clearly I hope it's not, but I've been floating here for far too long without taking the wheel a little bit and steering my way into a situation that I can at least exert SOME control over.
I really wish I could do it in person, but I suppose the phone will have to do in this case... Again, it's not ideal, but neither is ANYTHING right now! After the call, I'll probably follow up with an email to ensure I was able to properly express all the thoughts I needed to... And to give her something concrete that she can reference in the future, should she have doubts that her current path isn't ideal.
At the least, it will put my mind at ease and allow me to fully "drop the rope" without the nagging doubts that cloud my mind about her possibly seeing me as condoning the A, or simply waiting for her to change her mind. I need to take this stand, not to show her my new found strength and boundaries, but to prove to myself that these things are a part of me now, not just some ideas I have floating in my head.
I could be wrong but I believe you’re already second guessing the idea. You wouldn’t wait or make this post for unless you were unsure, which I understand, I get it. These are difficult decisions that we rarely face in our lifetimes.
You know relationship talks at this stage do no good. To be brutally honest, she left you and there’s OM in the picture but you said “I don’t want her to think that I am ignoring her.” I just don’t know if that makes much sense AT.
Finally, I have followed your “sitch” from the beginning. It’s an honor to have you in the same freshman class, you’re a very sharp guy, that’s very evident. I think most of us get to a point in our sitch when we are “done.” We want closure and you need to figure out if your TRULY ready to break the ties between you too. I don’t think it’s a wise choice UNLESS your TRULY ready to move on.
Hey Rough! First off, thanks for following, as I've been following yours as well. I too am honored to be in your class!
To say I'm second guessing is an understatement... It's more like seventyth guessing! I think my biggest issue is that over the last week or so, I can't get it out of my mind that I've YET to confront W about OM, and I'm almost positive she knows I know... but haven't said a peep about it. I'm learning more and more to not be a doormat, but I can't get this nagging feeling of wanting to "clear the air" out of my mind. To stand up and show some strength, I feel, may be the best thing to do at this point.
It would be ideal if I didn't have to reach out of "The Dark" to have this conversation... And maybe that's where I'm waffling the most here... Patience has never been my virtue, and although I'm getting better at it, I think this might be a case that I need to continue to be patient and wait for her to reach out...
Well, I've been pouring this over in my head for days now and I think I need to veer off the path I've been on, at least for this conversation.
Although it goes against what most of you are suggesting (and it may be a mistake) I can't keep on down this path I find myself on without the knowledge that I've let her know where I'm standing. The conversation may lead to the end of our marriage, but not having the conversation isn't going to be good in the long run either way... I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her for no reason, I don't want her to think I'm condoning her actions, and I don't want her to think I'm not actively fighting against nearly insurmountable odds to save our relationship. Again, this could be the beginning of the end, and clearly I hope it's not, but I've been floating here for far too long without taking the wheel a little bit and steering my way into a situation that I can at least exert SOME control over.
I really wish I could do it in person, but I suppose the phone will have to do in this case... Again, it's not ideal, but neither is ANYTHING right now! After the call, I'll probably follow up with an email to ensure I was able to properly express all the thoughts I needed to... And to give her something concrete that she can reference in the future, should she have doubts that her current path isn't ideal.
At the least, it will put my mind at ease and allow me to fully "drop the rope" without the nagging doubts that cloud my mind about her possibly seeing me as condoning the A, or simply waiting for her to change her mind. I need to take this stand, not to show her my new found strength and boundaries, but to prove to myself that these things are a part of me now, not just some ideas I have floating in my head.
And now I'll listen to your responses...
I'm torn on this AT. I really am. I get why you would want to do this. I am also concerned about how you will appear by reaching out of the dark to do it. I believe that she knows why you have gone dark on her. I doubt that you married a stupid woman. I believe that you are making a statement with your actions.
Lastly, I still believe that she will reach out at some point, and THEN you can make your well prepared statement.
Tough call though.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I'm torn on this AT. I really am. I get why you would want to do this. I am also concerned about how you will appear by reaching out of the dark to do it. I believe that she knows why you have gone dark on her. I doubt that you married a stupid woman. I believe that you are making a statement with your actions.
Lastly, I still believe that she will reach out at some point, and THEN you can make your well prepared statement.
Tough call though.
Thanks Denver! I'm clearly quite torn on this one too... You're right, I most certainly did not marry a stupid girl, but I did marry one who definitely jumps to conclusions, holds grudges like they're going out of style, and has told me a few times how much it upsets her that I never reach out to her or fight for her...
I'm also concerned about how it would look to reach out just to say this, as I'm NOT doing it out of spite (although it may well look that way to her). I guess it's just driving me crazy to not be certain that my position is crystal clear. And knowing her and her ability to keep grudges going, she could go months without reaching out...
I'm NOT doing it out of spite (although it may well look that way to her).
That is what I am afraid of. All that matters is how she PERCEIVES it. Perception is reality.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
