Still together but trying to save this

[MrBond]

Of course not. I don't think you understand what detaching means. IT means to detach your feelings from your W, not physically from other people and even your spouse.

[tori2012]

Mr. Bond said it. Detaching means to feel like you can be happy with or without your W, and that you can go on regardless of what happens. Go see your niece.

[25yearsmlc]

yes you can see your niece. Bond's got a point, you just are not grasping what "Detachment" means or what it's for.

It's for YOU to protect yourself from further pain From being around HER

AND OR obsessing about things you have no control over

and to help you GAL.

As for all these people knowing of her EA and whatever else, the more who know the harder it is for you to reconcile.
I don't think you get this^^^^. PLEASE DO.

Being on "your side" is a statement that puts you both in an adversarial position against each other , as if it's a battle with a winner and a loser. It should not be.

I'm not asking you to lie for her. But is it really honorable to portray the mother of your chlldren as an adulteress or worse?

Truly, I don't think it reflects well on you for others to know.

I worry IT looks vindictive and may even make it seem justified for her to want out.

You can say "WE have OUR issues we both need to work on. I'm hoping we can work them out. I've loved her a long time and hope you understand why I'd prefer keeping things in our marriage just between us."

OR say less but don't make yourself into a victim or martyr. IT's NO ONE'S business and you might be surprised to know that most well meaning people, do NOT want the details. They just want to see their friends work things out...but you make it harder by "sharing" way too much.

I'm telling you, the belief that "they are all on your side" May well NOT LAST...
and may not be accurate now, just b/c they express concern to YOUR FACE...

I've seen a lot of people "change their mind" about the LBSer who drags others into their drama.

Truly it's NOT anyone's business and I hope this gets thru to you.

IF you divorce and she remarries OM a month later, then the truth will come out.

[PeteWyo]

Thank you for the input. You are right, I was looking at detaching wrong. That makes more sense. I do want to be clear that I am not blabbing to everyone about my W and her EA. The OM was a mutual friend and the EA was made public by his ex fiancee in the form of detailed emails. I'm not judging or dwelling or anything like that, I just want to be clear on the situation and what I am doing about it.

[25yearsmlc]

so the ex fiancee of OM made private emails, "public"? To whom?

Try to rise above all that. Seriously...just makes it way bumpier to find the way home.

Do you get that?

[PeteWyo]

Yes, the OM was engaged to my W's friend. He broke it off for ostensibly "other" reasons, she moved away the next week, she found the emails and sent them to all of our friends, my wife's sister, et al. I have them but I have never read them. I don't need to. But I was not running to people telling them everything to elicit sympathy, they already know everything. Again, I am not looking for a pat on the back or sympathy, I just want to make sure that those on the boards understand what happened and how it happened so I can get sound advice, which I am getting.

[PeteWyo]

The tough thing for me to accept is the timing of everything. She was unhappy in our marriage and knew something needed to change. Knowing what I know now and what I am realizing about my behavior, I couldn't agree more. Then the OM ex finds and sends out the emails to everyone. Then she had all sorts of people trying to tell her what to do (including me in the beginning). Then she leaves and isn't staying at home. All this happened in like 2 months. I didn't have a chance to stop panicking and do the right thing before all that went down. I know I still have that chance now, but it all happened so quickly for me! And yes I understand she has felt this way for a while I'm just stating things from my perspective. It doesn't change my plan or my resolve, just venting I guess...

[PeteWyo]

So finally hung some things up in the house and pictures where I took all the old pictures down. The empty walls were just about as depressing as the pictures themselves. It makes me feel a lot better to have pictures of family and friends up. Like they are there for me even when I am alone in that house. My cat wasn't eating for a long time, I assume because of all the changes. I heard that animals can sense change and get nervous. I was worried that the cat was going to croak and I would be all alone in the house. She is eating and healthy again. Detaching has helped a lot, things seem (relatively) normal for the first time in a while!

[25yearsmlc]

good!!!...

So learn to savor the peace, be in the now, and let yourself grow. They say the real journey in life is an inward one.

If not now, when?

[PeteWyo]

I guess we have good days and bad. I woke up feeling so alone this morning. I can control my actions and thoughts when I am awake. But when I wake up it is pre emotion and this morning that sucked. I'm good now that I have reaffirmed my commitment to detach. It's moments like those that make me wonder how much longer I can do this without accepting reality and moving on.