Thank you busting. Hugs to you too. It's as if this nightmare is finally coming to an end. Thank GOD!
Thank you LITB for checking in on me. I would rather bring it up (again) but in front of MC because I have tried to tell H that I'm not detaching to hurt him. He feels otherwise.
I decided that if MC and H agree I want him to stop coming over in the mornings and evenings. He can come everyday from 5-7pm. I know he won't like this because he teaches at the gym at 7pm and wants to take S4 with him. But I don't want him to come over in the evenings. Only from 5-7 since that's when I can leave or he can take the kids.
Our house is not big enough where I can separate myself from them when he's over. When he was here on Sun I stayed in the bedroom and felt trapped for 2hrs.
When he came over for breakfast on Sat n Sun I made them breakfast and went to the backyard for an hour. I felt trapped. I want to be able to walk around the house and not feel that heavy tension.
He kept trying to pull me into conversations either about the kids or something else cuz he HATES it when there's silence between us.
I was crying about it tonite. I feel so worn out. I can't continue another day like this.
I'm starting to sound like a WAS...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Okay, that makes sense. Thank you for the clarification.
You are doing the right thing by taking your time.
Another question for you Vero, what does your new and happy relationship look like?
BTW, thank you for stopping by my thread, I appreciate it.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Vero, I'll admit at just reading the last post and hopping on the end. That sounds really tough, being in the house when your H comes over to be with the kids. Good for you for setting those boundaries.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
LITB - that's a good ques. What does it look like? I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one. Definitely free of resentment! No displacement of anger, trust in one another. That's just coming from me! (what I would like to bring to the R)
Jbnati - I'm still struggling with this (boundaries). I think I'm going to need to hold off on emotional intimacy instead of physical detachment. I'm a work in progress...
Busting!! how am I? better. At least i don't feel like a semi ran me over! LOL!
Today at MC I brought up my boundaries. More like I said, how can I set my boundaries where I'm not compromising my needs yet I'm seeking my serenity. I struggle to do this when the kids miss their dad and H is making my decision difficult to put forth.
Other issues quickly came up which didn't allow for us to continue with this.
H said, he continues to focus on the kids. he sees that I have other "expectations". he's not there yet. He can finally say that he wants to come back but it's not his goal right now.
This was interesting... H said that he can't fathom the thought of me being with someone else. He can't bear the thought of not being able to see me and kids as often as he does.
I went to an Al Anon mtg and talked to a couple friends to shake off the negative vibe I got out of that session.
All in all, I feel like I'm right back where we started. H- I want to focus on the kids. I don't want to give you false hope, blah blah blah.
I'm so tired of this.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I think you're tired because of all the back and forth. When you decide where you truly stand, a place that allows you to feel good about yourself with your boundaries firmly in place, I think you'll be energized. Right now he's controlling everything.
He says all this but what is he really doing about it? What do his actions tell you. I'm not saying cut him out of your life or treated him badly, just protect yourself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So I guess you are trying to figure out what you want to do?
I know I would be very confused right now...he wants to come back but not right now...he doesn't want you with someone else...he wants to be with the kids...
What do you feel vero ? I guess I would probably do what it seems like you are doing right now..which is just sit on it for awhile so you can come to a conclusion not enveloped in emotion.
Take care of yourself. You are beautiful!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Labug - "what is he doing about it?" pulling me in. which is why I'm struggling to detach! he makes choices that I wish he had made before. Ex. he is working at not having a codependent relationship with his mother - doesn't answer her calls as often, doesn't visit her as often, doesn't involve her in his affairs as much, etc.
Another ex. he is willing to put things aside for the kids and I - he will skip teaching spin class 3 thurs in a row to do things with us. HE NEVER DID THIS BEFORE!!! this is big.
Also, another big one. his friend bought him a plane tix and stadium tix to see the 49er game in oct. We are VERY tight with money. His friend did this without telling H as he has done before but now H can't pay him back.
So H told him, I'll pay you the plane tix over the course of 2mos but I can't pay the stadium tix. Friends said, don't worry I'll spot you. H said he would rather pass. This is BIG!
SS- This is why I want to make changes in our arrangement because I want control! I feel like I am following his lead and I hate it!
However, I read in an Al Anon meditation book recently that I don't need to make drastic changes all at once. I can do them in small steps. So I decided to start with this...
-I don't contact MIL unless she contacts me. She is very manipulative and a bit toxic.
-I will no longer attend his family gatherings if he's not there. I was doing this after we separated to prove to him that I am willing to connect with his family. I've done my work now I can back off.
-After I make breakfast, I walk away and get ready. I don't allow for there to be too much conversation. (I also need to do this at night when we have more emotional intimacy)
-I work at focusing on my needs, parenting myself, attending meetings often, healing myself, caring for my kids, etc.
busting, I'm definitely on the same page as you. I don't want to react. I want to act. I've reacted to things my entire life and now that I'm much more clear headed I want to make the right decisions for myself and my kids. This is much harder than reacting! but with less negative consequences.
Journaling, I realized after a few days that after I told MC I wanted to detach without hurting everyone involved, MC was trying to get H to give me some sense of security. This is why H was saying that he can't imagine me with someone else, that he misses me (and the kids), that he wants to come back.
But he says all this while still talking to OW. It's means NOTHING!
I want to share something funny (not hilarious, wierd). Yesterday we spent the afternoon at SILs pool. H left and said goodbye to everyone. He gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. I was a little surprised since he hasn't done that in oh like 1.5yr! but not excited since he does the same with his mom and sis (never w me).
Take care everyone, Have a GREAT TUESDAY!!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
