An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

h was totally motivated to do his studying, as he ALWAYS is lately.

As long as I'm in full disclosure mode, I need to articulate something that hit me this morning (can you see the hint of it in my quote above?)...

I think I'm jealous of my husband.

Maybe jealous isn't the right word. Maybe envious?

'cause for the first time in our m., he's the totally motivated, focused, on top of things, "I know where I'm going" one.

And I feel like the basket case.

For as long as I can remember back (pre-h) I've always known what I've wanted and I've always gone after it with the unbridled passion of a woman on a mission.

I can't remember when knowing what I wanted became so damn blurry....or maybe more to the point...I KNOW what I want from my job, my schooling, my life but I'm sabotaging myself all over the place in some ways...NOT finishing my work, NOT setting aside enough time to study, NOT doing my resume, etc, etc.

I think I joked with h the other day that I had become the anti-Sage...but it doesn't feel funny.

In some ways, it's the residue from the bomb...when I felt like my entire world was thrown into turmoil and I couldn't think of anything but my m. and I couldn't figure out how my m fit with my job or my school or my goals or my desires.

But...it's a year+ later and I still haven't gotten my motivation back in many ways...partly because I think I'm afraid of it...was my full-bore passion for my goals part of what messed us up? But part of it, I think, because I'm punishing someone (ME? H?) by not getting back on the horse so to speak...by not rebuilding my life...repiecing ME as (I think) Jeannine put it.

I guess I feel envious. And I feel resentful. Even though I know in my heart I've created my own sitch (wallowed in my own stuff) I think I still blame h for my own inability/unwillingness to get back to it...

I realize now how I'm holding him responsible for something that he really doesn't have to own...I do...and I think it's my way of not truly forgiving him.

Jeez...what's with all this self-analysis today?

Withholding joy at the good times...not getting my life together as a way of not forgiving...blech.

goals, goals, goals...seems like there's some fodder here, no?

Sage