An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

I'm not sure my positives list needs enhancing after my "I just called to say I love you" call from h yesterday...but here goes:

1. had a great afternoon phone call from h before we both left for school

2. got an email during school

3. Hung out a bit after we got home...he was chatty and positive

Today:

1. h and I had to go file a police report for an incident that happened with my car over the weekend (that was the thing that I was referring to where I was really worried and tense...). All my worry was for naught (lesson learned?)...the whole thing went SO SMOOTHLY. when we left the Police station I mentioned how worried and tense I had been and how I was sorry that I hadn't been able to do a better job controlling that. H said "You were so worried because you love me. I love that." I LIKE that positive spin from h!

2. Since I was ALREADY late for work...we went to breakfast this AM.

3. Already got an AM call from h...he sounded a big draggy in the face of some tedious homework. He's such an awesome student that I KNOW he's gonna rule!

4. My class last night was interesting...I know it's going to be a good (albeit challenging) semester!

Sage

[Dagny]

Okay, Sage, I think now is the time to take a leap of faith, I think it is time to summarize your story and post it in the success story section. If you aren't a success story in both your marriage and your personal growth, I don't know who is. I want to see you on the Today Show with Michelle promoting one of the books and you can do a testimonial!

Jackie

[mockers2]

I agree with Jackie!!!!! Thank you for all the forgiveness information, and for all your insight and wisdom. You are teriffic and are doing so well, Sage. If I could figure out how to clap in a post I would do it!

[sage]

Dagny and Mockers...thanks so much for the kind words! I SO appreciate you letting me know that you see me as a success story! I am so grateful to Michele and DB/DB and all the folks here for helping me get my m. back to even better than it was before!

And, I understand that I must someday take the "leap of faith" to declare this publicly as a "success" -- I'm just inches shy of being there...but TBH, I still have a block of work that needs to be done -- on me, for me, for us. I think h would actually hate hearing that "you have to WORK on yourself? Ugh" but I still too often find myself in the grips of fear...of the past...of the future...to really and truly know that I have Db'd myself to where I need to be.

The forgiveness work is helping...and the ABCDE stuff that I posted a few days ago is TREMENDOUS! I spent some time yesterday journalling some very negative ASSumptions I was having about work and it was SO powerful to write these things down and challenge myself to think differently.

I am unbelievably grateful for the wonder of my m ... for evey minute of every day that I have spent with my h -- good, bad or otherwise. And I'm so grateful to him for HIS strength and HIS work and HIS growth.

Anyway...I'm not trying to discount the success that I do feel right now...I just have a piece of work in progress!

Positives:
1. H had study group last night. I went out to dinner with a friend. We got home early enough to hang out together for a few hours. h asked me to "snuggle on the couch" and then said "Is anything better than this". Well, NO!

2. h asked me if I was feeling relieved about the car sitch being resolved...I really appreciate him treating my worries so well, normally...he's been so sensitive to the way that I feel!

3. We've got a date tonight after he has class to celebrate his amazing success at school!

4. Lots of good emails, phone calls yesterday!

Sage

[sage]

I had an interesting weekend...learned a bit about myself over the course of the last three days. Bear with me in this stream of consciousness post!

I met h Friday night at school (he had classes). He was absolutely joyful...he had spent the day at school studying and he was reinvigorated about school, starting the new semester, etc. We were going out for drinks and food to celebrate his terrific success in semester 1.

I tried to match his mood but something was holding me back. I'm not sure if this will make ANY sense but in some ways I think I've been very afraid of the GOOD times because they feel like a precursor to the BOMB. Sigh. What I mean is is that I can remember some wonderful, joyful, tremendous times with h pre-bomb and in my warped little searching for clues mind I think I've started feeling "oh...maybe the GOOD times were what lead to the bomb...maybe I got cavalier and took things for granted...maybe I had it TOO GOOD and if I feel that way again it'll happen again...etc". I KNOW it's perverse and nonsensical and all of that but I'm still so hung up on WHAT HAPPENED. It's confusing as hell to remember so many positive times and not see how it jumped from that to hell in a handbasket.

anyway...my mental gyrations definitely didn't make lightening my mood any easier because THEN I started feeling like "WHY CAN I NOT GET OVER THIS?" and feeling like if h noticed that I wasn't jubilant then he would be mad a la "it's the same old thing...you're never letting this go..we should get D".

Watch Sage torture herself.

But...h's wonderful mood and just BEING with him made it somewhat better and we laughed and talked and hung out. He said a couple of times "Am I babbling?" because he was just full of words and conversation. I love that.

Saturday I went to town to do a few errands while h studied. When I got home we worked on my resume a bit which just bummed me out and peeved me. Not a great start to the afternoon. Blech. Then later on we went out to dinner and a movie. The night was great.

So...yesterday...we got up, went to the gym and started studying. I'm taking two really tough classes this semester...I think I'll be fine but it's the first time in a LONG time when I think I'm going to need to put a lot of study time in. h was totally motivated to do his studying, as he ALWAYS is lately. By the end of the afternoon I just felt SO out of sorts...really stressed and aggravated and angry and like my needs weren't getting me (huh?) and like I couldn't tell him what I wanted to do or needed to do and like I'd never get my studying done and the laundry folded and the stove was acting up (to match the dishwasher that hasn't worked for months) and on and on and on. I just wanted to crawl into a hole by myself. Well...after chewing h out for just being.

And then it hit me.

I haven't felt this way in a LONG time....not since prebomb days. But, yes indeedy, I used to feel that way A LOT in the year before the bomb. A LOT. And the difference between then and now? Well...NOW I was able to sit back and listen to what I was telling myself and distill all of my feelings into buckets and see that h hadn't done one darned thing to "Make" me feel this way...every little thing I was feeling was self created. He didn't know that I was worried about the laundry or feeling stressed about school..I hadn't told him...and he hadn't not met my NEEDS because I hadn't communicated them...

What was THEN like? Well prebomb I would have stomped around feeling mad at the world, but mostly mad at h, and I would have treated him like I just wanted to BE AWAY from him and then I would be mad because he didn't get that wanting to BE AWAY really meant...let me be away for a while but then ask me to come back into your world...

I KNOW I didn't cause my h's EA...but for the first time in a LONG time I was able to FEEL what might have very well created a lot of tension and stress in our m.

it wasn't the good, joyful, times together. It was the blaming, judgement, ASSumptions, non-communicating ball of fury.

It felt truly liberating to be able to see it and shed it.

We spent a wonderful afternoon and evening together after that.

Here's my horoscope from yesterday:
You'd prefer clear information to the mixed signals you are now receiving. On the other hand, you might be the one who is unclear as you try to share your feelings with someone else. Either way, you need to confront the illogical emotional realm where things are not clear and concise. This is a test. Are you able to jump into the emotional waters that are over your head and learn quickly how to swim in the unfamiliar currents?


A good reminder to me that sometimes when I think I'm asking for my needs to be met TELEPATHICALLY that what I'm really doing is stewing in anger and all of that...

Sage

[kml]

Sounds like you hit the nail on the head, my dear
(btw - those horoscopes are downright spooky!)

Ellie

[Jeannine]

I KNOW I didn't cause my h's EA...but for the first time in a LONG time I was able to FEEL what might have very well created a lot of tension and stress in our m.

it wasn't the good, joyful, times together. It was the blaming, judgement, ASSumptions, non-communicating ball of fury.

What a breakthrough!

The rundown of your prebomb behaviors, described mine as well.
How nice that we can see these things more clearly now.

Excellent work, luv.

[sage]

h was totally motivated to do his studying, as he ALWAYS is lately.

As long as I'm in full disclosure mode, I need to articulate something that hit me this morning (can you see the hint of it in my quote above?)...

I think I'm jealous of my husband.

Maybe jealous isn't the right word. Maybe envious?

'cause for the first time in our m., he's the totally motivated, focused, on top of things, "I know where I'm going" one.

And I feel like the basket case.

For as long as I can remember back (pre-h) I've always known what I've wanted and I've always gone after it with the unbridled passion of a woman on a mission.

I can't remember when knowing what I wanted became so damn blurry....or maybe more to the point...I KNOW what I want from my job, my schooling, my life but I'm sabotaging myself all over the place in some ways...NOT finishing my work, NOT setting aside enough time to study, NOT doing my resume, etc, etc.

I think I joked with h the other day that I had become the anti-Sage...but it doesn't feel funny.

In some ways, it's the residue from the bomb...when I felt like my entire world was thrown into turmoil and I couldn't think of anything but my m. and I couldn't figure out how my m fit with my job or my school or my goals or my desires.

But...it's a year+ later and I still haven't gotten my motivation back in many ways...partly because I think I'm afraid of it...was my full-bore passion for my goals part of what messed us up? But part of it, I think, because I'm punishing someone (ME? H?) by not getting back on the horse so to speak...by not rebuilding my life...repiecing ME as (I think) Jeannine put it.

I guess I feel envious. And I feel resentful. Even though I know in my heart I've created my own sitch (wallowed in my own stuff) I think I still blame h for my own inability/unwillingness to get back to it...

I realize now how I'm holding him responsible for something that he really doesn't have to own...I do...and I think it's my way of not truly forgiving him.

Jeez...what's with all this self-analysis today?

Withholding joy at the good times...not getting my life together as a way of not forgiving...blech.

goals, goals, goals...seems like there's some fodder here, no?

Sage

[kml]

Afraid of getting out of that comfy rut, my dear?

Ellie

[sage]

Afraid of getting out of that comfy rut, my dear?

Ellie

Who wouldn't want to be in a rut????

Sage