My H and I had a long talk yesterday. From what I got our of the conversation is the following:
Good! He's opening up! What was your response to the conversation? Did you argue with his points or did you validate his feelings? Hopefully the latter Say things like- "I hear you saying you're afraid of being hurt again, it sounds like you're frustrated and worried, I can certainly understand why you feel that way." You're not admitting guilt or even agreeing with his comments, you're validating his emotions.
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-He feels like all of the changes I have done in the last 3 months were acts to get me to stay. He said "Now that I finally have you acting like a Wife I want to go" A little too late......
Again, just validate his feelings. 3 months is a blip on the radar to him, it takes much longer for our spouses to believe 180's are real and not just tricks to lure them back.
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-Me going out and not telling him where I was going, he perceived that as me stepping out on the marriage again.....
OK, well what you did was recommended DB'ing as far as being mysterious, but remember that DB'ing is also about not going down cheeseless tunnels. If you do something that doesn't work, then quit doing it. If being "mysterious" is doing more harm than good, it's probably best to stop that and be more accountable to him about your whereabouts.
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He said a lot. I have been reading the DR book and I have been detaching and GAL. It is very unlike me just to leave and not give him my whereabouts. I had mentioned this to my therapist that I thought he would see this as me having another affair, and that is exactly what has happened.
Don't worry about it, just quit doing it. DB'ing is all about constantly examining what you're doing and making adjustments, stopping things that don't work and trying something else. It's just part of the process. Just be thankful that you're getting such great feedback from H.
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I am not sure if the DR book is giving me the right advice for my particular situation??????
Look at the chapter on cheeseless tunnels again. DR is very clear that your approach needs to be flexible and that you need to evaluate what is working and not working every 2 or 3 weeks. DR is not a step-by-step instruction manual, it is a set of tools. We each use those tools in a slightly different way.
Say things like- "I hear you saying you're afraid of being hurt again, it sounds like you're frustrated and worried, I can certainly understand why you feel that way." You're not admitting guilt or even agreeing with his comments, you're validating his emotions. 