I would not be surprised if she had performance issues where she bases her self-worth upon how others grade her. I'd guess words of affirmation is her love language. If so, that makes it rather difficult for you unless you are gifted in this area. My LL is words of affirmation, but when I was in the WAW mode, my H would try to use this and it just made me angry. So, it can be touchy.
That's one reason you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Make changes where needed and if it takes stress off her for a while, then good. However, don't take on so much that you can't handle it, or if it looks like you're kissing up to her.
You must keep a sense of balance in the family relationships, home chores, etc. That's why she needs a strong person to lead the way. It's not that she "can't" do it, but it's what she really wants. I personally believe that's just how women are wired. They don't want a "master" and they don't want a "servant" in the H, they want a man of strength, moral character, and not afraid of calling the shots when decisions need to be made and taking responsibility for them.
I found it interesting what Another Stander said about how many men change from the alpha to the beta male after M. That's sad. But I've seen it happen a lot when the H thinks he's keeping the peace and letting the W make the decisions.
The last thing she wants is to feel she has another kid to take care of. So by all means, don't give her any excuse to think of you in that way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!