An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

I had an interesting weekend...learned a bit about myself over the course of the last three days. Bear with me in this stream of consciousness post!

I met h Friday night at school (he had classes). He was absolutely joyful...he had spent the day at school studying and he was reinvigorated about school, starting the new semester, etc. We were going out for drinks and food to celebrate his terrific success in semester 1.

I tried to match his mood but something was holding me back. I'm not sure if this will make ANY sense but in some ways I think I've been very afraid of the GOOD times because they feel like a precursor to the BOMB. Sigh. What I mean is is that I can remember some wonderful, joyful, tremendous times with h pre-bomb and in my warped little searching for clues mind I think I've started feeling "oh...maybe the GOOD times were what lead to the bomb...maybe I got cavalier and took things for granted...maybe I had it TOO GOOD and if I feel that way again it'll happen again...etc". I KNOW it's perverse and nonsensical and all of that but I'm still so hung up on WHAT HAPPENED. It's confusing as hell to remember so many positive times and not see how it jumped from that to hell in a handbasket.

anyway...my mental gyrations definitely didn't make lightening my mood any easier because THEN I started feeling like "WHY CAN I NOT GET OVER THIS?" and feeling like if h noticed that I wasn't jubilant then he would be mad a la "it's the same old thing...you're never letting this go..we should get D".

Watch Sage torture herself.

But...h's wonderful mood and just BEING with him made it somewhat better and we laughed and talked and hung out. He said a couple of times "Am I babbling?" because he was just full of words and conversation. I love that.

Saturday I went to town to do a few errands while h studied. When I got home we worked on my resume a bit which just bummed me out and peeved me. Not a great start to the afternoon. Blech. Then later on we went out to dinner and a movie. The night was great.

So...yesterday...we got up, went to the gym and started studying. I'm taking two really tough classes this semester...I think I'll be fine but it's the first time in a LONG time when I think I'm going to need to put a lot of study time in. h was totally motivated to do his studying, as he ALWAYS is lately. By the end of the afternoon I just felt SO out of sorts...really stressed and aggravated and angry and like my needs weren't getting me (huh?) and like I couldn't tell him what I wanted to do or needed to do and like I'd never get my studying done and the laundry folded and the stove was acting up (to match the dishwasher that hasn't worked for months) and on and on and on. I just wanted to crawl into a hole by myself. Well...after chewing h out for just being.

And then it hit me.

I haven't felt this way in a LONG time....not since prebomb days. But, yes indeedy, I used to feel that way A LOT in the year before the bomb. A LOT. And the difference between then and now? Well...NOW I was able to sit back and listen to what I was telling myself and distill all of my feelings into buckets and see that h hadn't done one darned thing to "Make" me feel this way...every little thing I was feeling was self created. He didn't know that I was worried about the laundry or feeling stressed about school..I hadn't told him...and he hadn't not met my NEEDS because I hadn't communicated them...

What was THEN like? Well prebomb I would have stomped around feeling mad at the world, but mostly mad at h, and I would have treated him like I just wanted to BE AWAY from him and then I would be mad because he didn't get that wanting to BE AWAY really meant...let me be away for a while but then ask me to come back into your world...

I KNOW I didn't cause my h's EA...but for the first time in a LONG time I was able to FEEL what might have very well created a lot of tension and stress in our m.

it wasn't the good, joyful, times together. It was the blaming, judgement, ASSumptions, non-communicating ball of fury.

It felt truly liberating to be able to see it and shed it.

We spent a wonderful afternoon and evening together after that.

Here's my horoscope from yesterday:
You'd prefer clear information to the mixed signals you are now receiving. On the other hand, you might be the one who is unclear as you try to share your feelings with someone else. Either way, you need to confront the illogical emotional realm where things are not clear and concise. This is a test. Are you able to jump into the emotional waters that are over your head and learn quickly how to swim in the unfamiliar currents?


A good reminder to me that sometimes when I think I'm asking for my needs to be met TELEPATHICALLY that what I'm really doing is stewing in anger and all of that...

Sage