Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Tonight's update:

After soccer practice, we had to go to "Back to School Night" at school. Our school community is very small and close knit. We all know each other - well. Many of our friends know our sitch, some don't. It's hard not to have things be awkward since it's such an intimate community. I just really missed my husband tonight even though he was sitting 3 feet from me.

When we got home, we had to discuss this weekend party (hosted by some close school friends). I got some good counsel from my dad. It's pretty much expected that H would say "I don't care if you go, I'm not going if you are." Dad counseled me to dig in and get him to say what he really wanted, which was, "Neither of us should go." He didn't feel comfortable going with me and didn't think it was fair that one of us would go and have to bring a friend (it's a games party for couples). Anyway, I agreed that we could just both cancel, even though I'm disappointed.

Anyway, that conversation got us to talking more... we have an all-school campout coming up in Oct - we agreed on 2 cars and 2 tents but one campsite. We actually did this same arrangement last year for purely logistical reasons so I was very happy to hear him say that. Status quo kind of.

Then we talked more... I was trying to be really honest with him about my fears and everything I have been thinking about over the last few weeks and months. In the past I haven't felt comfortable really sharing with him or being vulnerable nor has he with me. Big issues...

Labug asked me why I have been so unhappy. I thought about that a lot over the weekend. Of course there are many reasons. I did feel pretty happy about things until 2008 or so. My career was going well, we had 2 kids, things were on the upswing. Gradually though I felt more and more disconnected from my H. I know I was supposed to answer that without H, M or R, but H did withdraw at that point which got the ball rolling.

2009 was OM 1 - personal turmoil about that... 2010 was pretty calm, but in 2011 we bought this house and my job started to seriously $uck. I started to feel very worthless at work and H's resentment towards me and sometimes outright punishment reinforced that feeling.

I decided to quit my job but inside was very scared about that transition. I had been there for so many years and was leaving friends and had nothing lined up... felt I wasn't "good enough" to find another job. Not to brag but I have undergrad and graduate degrees from top schools, and I have worked at some very prestigious companies. So this was clearly my own insecurities coming into play.

We were majorly in debt with this house now - and had no more money to furnish or finish. And quitting my job was adding to the stress about money. H was trying to start a new business but that was months away. So I didn't feel settled here at all, which very much added to my agitation.

H and I had been in a vicious cycle of anger, withdrawal, and resentment for years, and all of this stress just exacerbated it. I was so resentful of H for not understanding me, not being nicer, not loving me more or in the way I needed it... for not being my "safe place to fall". I wanted so much to feel safe with H.

As I'm free-falling now OM2 comes calling... I latch on to him as I'm going down. Part of my deal with him is that I actually made him "validate" me, which is so needy and gross I can hardly bear to write it, but it is the truth. I was not getting this type of validation (WOA) at home and I really, really, really needed it. To make things worse, I was not really attracted to OM2, didn't find him particularly interesting and thought he was "beneath my station." I was totally using him to nurture my insecurities and also to "get back at" my H. Kind of a combo crack pipe/voodoo doll.

So this is pretty much what I told my H. Maybe with some of these details of OM2 left off, but I wasn't trying to hide anything from him. The main point that I was trying to get across is that H and I can't communicate, and that we need to fix it. I was afraid to share my feelings, and I didn't feel safe.

H said that he and I weren't "friends" anymore. He is right about that. We did mean things to each other and didn't respect each other and didn't treat each other nicely and didn't put the other first and all of those things... I owned it all with him. He did bust his a$$ earning money and putting this house together and making dinner and being the primary parent while I was out of the house working at a miserable job. And I didn't appreciate him.

I think, though, that I finally reached a place with him where I was able to convince him that it's worth another try. He asked what "try" meant. I told him that it meant really working as hard as I could on our communication and our marriage. He said he was skeptical that we could ever put things right again, that I could ever change enough. I said I was skeptical too. A lot has to be fixed. It took us a long time to get here and it will take a long time to get back. He says I am very difficult to communicate with, on top of selfish, not to mention malicious. He is not out of line in saying this. Many mistakes have been made.

But he let me rub his back while I talked to him, and we talked a little about LL. I told him mine were WOA and QT, and I said his was touch. He agreed, so I said when he lets me touch him he receives love from me. I told him I really needed more WOA and I told him he needs to tell me what he wants. He has a habit of saying "whatever" instead of expressing his needs, then when I don't meet his needs he gets upset.

The trust issue will still be huge, which I understand. I am going to have to work extra hard on that one. H is very sensitive.

All in all, I see that we've made some breakthroughs... I am hoping that we can start doing some family things together. I want desperately to feel less disconnected from him. It is so ironic that now we are communicating more honestly and intimately than we have in a long time, but it is good work. Yes, it's still very fragile but I am so hoping he can find it in him to try...