Well amazing the difference a day can make. I called H this evening to be certain he had made plans to be here in time for me to go to my clinical rotation tomorrow night. I was worried, he might forget and frankly had no other options. Anyway, I was to the point, and kept things at the topic at hand. He asked where we were. I told him in the car getting ready to run to Wal Mart, why? Well, he was coming our direction and would it be okay if he stops and says hi to the kids. Sure. So since we were in the car we just sat there and talked and he pulled up about 5 mins later. Conversation was light. He actually smiled and laughed a little. Apparently, my new pink hammer is amusing to everyone. I had bought it yesterday. I asked him for one previously on Friday and he said he would bring me one. I didn't really expect him to remember. He did and had brought it. lol So that shows me he actually is thinking about me later and trying to make an effort to get along if nothing else. Sounds stupid but typically, even something this minor he wouldn't remember. Anyway, so they talked for a bit. He asked me how my day was, (I started subbing today) and seemed interested. Then when he was going to leave he seemed like he wanted to touch me or something but was unsure what to do. I just said good bye and turned to leave. He assured me he would be here on time ( even 20 mins earlier than I said I had to leave) tomorrow. So that is progress. I am still just doing my thing. Tearing the house apart. lol. I think I am over the initial grief and really I do think I was a WAS. Really that is what prompted him to leave. I have been doing quite a bit of journaling. Trying to identify actions and situations that I know are causing stress to my family and identifying actions that can make them feel more connected. One of my problems is touch. I simply do not like being touched or touching. I have resolved to make an effort to hug and affectionately touch them all at minimum once a day. This would be a big change for me. I have identified a whole list of actions and situations that I could most definitely do differently than I have in the past. I guess I should clarify- I am talking about all my relationships but mostly my relationships with my children. I have also been trying to reestablish boundaries. Frankly, it's hard. One of my problems yesterday was that even though I am getting better they are still stuck in the same patterns. One child in particular seems to want to test every single limit and consequence I have given. So we are in battle. I realize it is my fault for not enforcing these boundaries sooner and not doing what I say I am going to do. I'm also trying to work on shutting my dumb mouth and having no expectations. That one is probably the absolute hardest for me. One other thing, not sure if it is significant but he asked me if I had told me mom anything. I said no not really. He then termed his leaving as "us having problems" so I wasn't sure what to make of that. That is the first time in a few weeks I think he has even said "US" of course in that particular phrase not much else works. Perhaps I am reading too much into it. So the time apart with no contact seems to me, to be helping. I had also told him in my last blow up that in no uncertain terms was I interested in getting back together at this time. I was sooo nasty I even apologized for it later. Now, he is being nice. I'm not sure what to even think. Although, it did help encourage me to know I am on the right path. So I guess that is all I can ask for. I have been praying and trying to leave it in God's hands. I guess that is all I can do. Take care of me and the kiddos and let God do the rest.
