"I would say I am mildly controlling". What do you consider mildly? In what ways were you controlling? There is a difference in a man controlling...and being the leader in his home.
It's reasons behind her leaving is rather vague, other than she wasn't happy and couldn't "treat you like a wife should treat her husband", which simply means she doesn't feel sexually attracted to you any longer.
She has two very young children, and suddenly she wants to pull out of a secure relationship where she can stay home and not leave her children in a day care.....to see if she can make it on her own? She gets a job as a waitress and now she's ready to buy a house? Man! She must be getting some kind of tips!
Look, you obviously didn't give your W the kind of attention she needed and her feeling starved out. I dare say somebody else is having a hugh influence on that decision.
You want to know how to be an unconditional friend? Forget it. You've already said you're not sure you know how to not act like a doormat, so if you don't have any conditions to being her friend (since she just walked away a broke up your family).....which brings me to the subject of you telling her what a great mother she is! No, you don't get it!
Look, a woman is NOT attracted to that kind of man! She wants a man, not a lap dog to lick her a$$. Let a dog show her he'll always be around for her while she treats him any old way she pleases, but not a self-respecting man. I promise you, she'll invite you to her next wedding, and you'll accept...thinking you are being her BFF.
I stongly suggest you take a completely different approach!
I think there is wisdom here for you. Sandi2 knows the difference from the onesizefitsall advice. I think you should pay attention here. She has paid attention to what YOU say about YOUR WIFE.
Had a good weekend. Took the kids to a friends cabin on Friday night, a little chilly but the kids love running around in the woods. I love watching them play.
Not sure if I mentioned this before, but I turned my basement into a studio apartment. My renters moved in today. It will allow me to stay in the house and support my W. Although last week my W mentioned that she has been thinking about us, but does not want to return to this house. I coud care less about the house, a home is were the family is.
Having a hard time with the patience aspect lately. My faith and hope are strong, jsut want to be together again. I know it may not happen, it's just hard to wait for closure either way.
My W, kids and MIL stopped by tonight. W said the kids wanted to see my renters. My renters are a couple that both work with my W. So my kids have met them before. Not sure if I mentioned this either, but my mom also works with my W. Oh, the soap opera we live in. Anyway as they were leaving and I was saying goodbye to the kids, my W and I caught each others eyes. It's hard to say I love you, and you are going to miss out on a great life with me at the same time with just a look. Hopefully I pulled it off.
Question, W says she needs to be completly self supporting before myself or anyone else can enhance her happiness. As of right now I pay her car insurance, and the loan payment. The car I drive is paid off. She is still under my medical insurance, although it wouldn't make it any cheaper for me if she wasn't on my plan. Just not sure if I should push her to get her own insurance? She wants me to take the car, so that I would pay her more per month in support. I think as long as we are still married, she should have to cover half of the payment. Things seem very well between us and I don't really want to upset that. Thinking I will stick with the status quo until she brings it up.
Just my thoughts for the night.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I think the hardest part of detachment for me has to do with the kids. I know there is plenty of women out there that I could be extremely happy with. I just do not want my children to come from a broken home. I don't want some other guy influencing my children, and I don't want to give my w's influence to someone else. I guess if she can't find her way home, then she will leave me no choice in the matter. It is hard to leave them out of this since they are such a major part of our lives.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Hello everyone, just some more rambling. I know there are similarities in most everyone's sitch's on here, but there are a lot of varying dynamics as well. It seems like in a majority, the WAS can be pretty angry and say some mean things. I don't know if I am not far enough into DB, and my sitch, to get that out of my wife, or if always being pleasant when I see her keeps it from coming out. Maybe I won't ever see that side.
I have no idea what my next step would be to draw her in, or do I continue with the 37 rules and let her come to me. Not that I am looking to pursue her. I know for a new relationship to work she has to want it as much as I do. Just wondering if there are subtle things that can be done?
Usually a couple times a day I seem to have great moments of clarity, where I really feel at peace with myself and my sitch. I suppose I need to feel that at all times before I am ready to even start a new R.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I know I am so very new to this, but I think I can offer some advice to fellow newcomers. Read about everyone else's sitches. Even the old ones that haven't been updated in awhile. I just found the picnic/castle analogy and it really helped. It reminded me that we are in a super duper, enormous ultramarathon. We are all turtles, slow and steady wins the race. Even if the prize is your self respect, dignity, pride, and happiness on your own.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
So tonight I put the kids to bed at my W's place and when she got home she seemed cold towards me. She rarely makes eye contact and is very withdrawn. I have read in a few posts that you will know when it is right to talk about certain things. I know we are nowhere near R talk, but I am wondering if I should be asking about why she acts this way towards me? Instinct tells me to ask, but the DB in me tells me to let it go. Let her come to me. After all I don't need her in my life right now. It seems we both need to get happy on our own before a new R would work. Like I have said before, most of the time I feel I am closer to true happiness than she is. After all it has been awhile since I acted cold towards her.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
"I am wondering if I should be asking about why she acts this way towards me?"
She's in the "acting cold/angry" withdrawn phase. Not a good time to talk. Keep things light. It's a form of depression so you need to lift her spirits a little.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think it may be time to prepare for the storm. W seems to be very cold to me more often than not lately. I know it is my perception, but I would actually welcome some blaming and criticism towards me. Might give me a chance to figure out some 180's that I can work on. Then again it could be that having me act as if I am fine without her is doing a number on her. Anyway I am feeling good about the direction I am heading in. I did get teary eyed putting the kids to bed last night, but it wasn't for the W. I hope someday she will earn my tears again.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
The only thing she has mentioned is that I am controlling. Also her love language is words of affirmation, and I know is wasn't very supportive of what she wanted. The question is how do I show any of those things when we aren't together? I don't want to seem needy, or seem as if I am sucking up. When the time seems right I do give her compliments, and WOA. It seems the only way to be supportive right now is to let her go.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
