So I've been thinking about my GAL activities. Yesterday I spent the whole day alone and that means I dwell on my sitch and get all upset. I need to do things with friends but I am going to set a boundary of not talking about sitch with them.
Also when I turned 40 instead of having a party, I wrote a list of 40 things I would like to do. When they are all achieved I am going to have a 40things party w those folk who helped me get there.
On the list is learn Spanish so this week I am going to see if I can find a language class to do one night after work.
When H met me I was very centred and knew what I wanted in my life, I felt very alive. I miss that. I hope doing GAL will help bring that part of me back.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
You can be as friendly to him as you want but have no expectations. That's where most of us backslide, H acts friendly, we read into that what we want it to mean then when it's not reciprocated we're back on the rollercoaster. Sometimes being neutral is the best thing. He knows you're there and when he can he will reach out.
Passive men are sometimes friendly because they can't say what they really want. They don't want to make the other person mad, they don't want drama so the go along with their charade until it's too much for them and they back off, stop communicating, retreat. It's their form of control. I've fallen into that trap many times.
Only you know how much of that you can take. Have no expectations.
Have you read much on detachment? There's a great list if you google Livestrong detachment that was helpful for me.
I know this is all so difficult. Usually the best thing to do, and this goes with detachment, is let him figure out what he wants to do and remember that it won't happen on your timeline.
I like your post above about your 40 things. Go for it, this is the perfect time to start.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug you asked: If he never contacts you again, what does that mean to you?
Here's my answer. 1) I will only contact him for admin related stuff and if he answers the house one I sent today then there is no need for more (I did add an opening about using email instead of calling as I respect his space and closed with missing him (probably wrong but I'm a novice) and hoping he was ok)
2) I am focusing on me, found a Spanish class (yay!), keeping busy, trying not to check my phone - basically GAL
3) I am doing my inner work and taking my new Self out into the world. People have already commented this year I am different
4) I am NOT picking up the ball (i.e. not contacting him about us - no let's go for walk/meal, we should talk about R).
So in answer to the question, if he doesn't start coms/pick up the ball then the relationship naturally ends. I don't have a timeline in my head but what I expect to happen is, by GAL and no longer waiting, I will already be living life alone and be in the right place to move on. And at some point be ready to send an admin email about splitting assets etc.
I am walking my path, it's up to him if he wants to join me.
Have I dropped the rope? I don't know. I just know that I'm not interested in more of the same.
I also know that if he does get in contact I will need alot of help from you all to stay on my path, express myself gently, take R sloooowwwer than the other times.
But if I'm honest I don't expect him to pick the ball up, understand his role in our breakdown and want to do the work that I am doing on me.
I like this no expectations thing - very freeing
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Good for you, Tumbling. My H told me a few hours ago he's filing tomorrow, so that's it for me. He's one of those cases for which DB doesn't work--he had closed the door on our marriage long ago, when he had an affair. I hope things turn out differently for you, but in the meantime, yes, have no expectations and continue the good work.
Journalling I woke up in a generally positive mood and it stayed with me most of the day. I went out for a bite to eat with a work colleague (who has agreed to do the Spanish course with me) and laughed some.
But when I get in my car to drive home, it hits me that I am alone and that my marriage is over. It takes 30mins to get home and by the time I get to the empty house I feel quite sad. I don't know how I can change that part of my day, I mean I have to drive home sometime!
Question As H might (not betting on it) contact me sometime, probably by text initially, do I just mirror what he writes? E.G if he txts "morning" do I just text the same back after a while. And what do I reply if he asks "how are you doing?" "Hi H, I'm good, how are you doing?" (might that sound I'm better off?) "Hi H, I'm ok, how are you doing?"
I just want to make sure I am prepared and don't say the wrong thing. I noticed the other week that when I just said "Thanks for letting me know". He text again later. Maybe the rule is - simple messages only - not my long winded ones!
He didn't ansa my admin email. Why would he find that difficult? I only want an ok to get the work started
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Tumbling, I've been through what you're going through. You'll be okay and then a sense of intense sadness will hit you. But you must've had a thought that triggered that sadness.
Here is something to try: 1. When you have the thought (the first one) ask yourself, do I want to feel sad? Answering yes is okay, bc sometimes we need to be sad and cry and feel like we don't have to be tough. So go ahead and keep thinking, and cry or do whatever you need to do to release the feeling. If you don't want to be sad, change the thought immediately to something impersonal or to someone else's problems. I've found that reaching out to help others will help you feel better.
2. Get audiobooks for your ride home. I love Wayne Dyer. Get the books at the library.
My H did the same---no answer to emails. Be patient. If he doesn't answer, make the decision yourself and inform him of what you are doing.
In regard to texts, I would avoid long streams of messages. Texting is a fertile ground for communication mishaps. Let him call you or email you if he needs to reach you to talk about something. If he's just checking in, be nice and say you're doing well. Ask how he is and try not to be the last one to write.
Must have been a premonition I had last night when I asked about how to respond to texts because I would have lost my bet. I got a "good morning Tumbling :/" text this morning. I nearly got straight on here to report it LOL I left it a couple of hours and wrote the exact same back - maybe I should have put a smiley but worried how that might be perceived as me being over the moon to hear from him. Nothing since but I didn't expect anything. Wonder if this is beginning of something (this is how we've started to connect previously) but have no expectations - well maybe a little one that I might get a sleep well later but it's ok either way.
Had a good day at work and went to a briefing with the MD tonight on a subject that I want management team to consider for the business. Pretty flattered that the MD decided to take a look, I've been on about it for a couple of months.
Things are good.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
