Maybe the other part of this is that if I start putting pressure on myself to know if I love and respect him, I think in ANY r, you'll need to know if you love and respect your partner. It's sort of a no brainer at some point---b/c if you don't know then, at some point the answer is, "no". Do you kwim?
then I'm just going to get cold feet and never really give this a shot. I do love and respect him, but there's an enormous amount of pressure right now too - Sorry ESN, but I don't get this^^^ "Enormous amount of pressure."
Where are you getting it from?
Can you see that on this site, nearly everyone has a child and a WAS, or was a WAS, etc. So we're all taking risks, some with more children, or more financial risk, some with less. But we all risk our hearts...what "enormous pressure" do YOU feel, specifically? Can you identify it?
And who are you comparing yourself to? To a 25 y/o meeting another 25 y/o and they both have great jobs and know what they want out of life and all goes smoothly?
If that's your image, then accept it's not possible now. You do have a child, and you are 40. And that's alright.
Luckily, you are not 60, in a loveless marriage OR non committed r, having raised a child but w/nothing in common now with the baby daddy, other than the grown child....that could be you too...THAT would be depressing.
And, THAT would be pressure.
Right now it sounds as if you are financially self sufficient (correct?) and you found peace in your life without bf, so, where is the 'Enormous pressure" coming from? Isn't HE risking a lot too?
What if the pressure is all from you?
isn't that a set up for failure as well? The "pressure" sounds like fear to me.
I now have 5 brothers, 3 are in their 2nd m's. I have 3 sisters and only 1 is in her first m, along with me.
ALL who remarried, had kids and married someone else with children so there are step children too. Its VERY common these days,
and people still meet, & they actually fall in love, even after the age of 50, & they commit, and have kids AND OR blend their families.
I'm 40, I have a child, most men I've met have kids - the complications and things that need to be worked through there are ... well, complicated. it's the norm now, ESN.
The two 25 y/o's who meet and fall in love and marry and face no obstacles, are and always have been, rare.
But falling in love & committing is usually the easy part, at any age...
And I guess what everyone is saying is that it's workable when love is present ...
Not really what I'm saying...
What I am saying is, it's workable and enjoyable when you love each other deeply AND YOU GET, OR ALREADY HAVE THE TOOLS for making a healthy r work.
I know many couples who loved each other but who did not last together.
One or both had a trait that sabotaged the r, and did not repair it in time, or ever.
Like a healthy person who gets infected, and who never sees a real doctor and never takes the anti-biotic made just for this bacterial infection; '
but instead does everything BUT take the medicine...they get leeches and they bleed themselves and try to "burn the fever out" and they get sicker...and it's too bad b/c once upon a time they were healthy
just as some relationships were once healthy and then got sick or injured,
and it just needed the right medicines (tools) to get better and heal, and to learn what spreads the infection so they could avoid the same problems as before...
Just as many people died before they developed anti biotics, many relationships die b/c people don't avail themselves of outside resources.
there's a resource you resist and you don't mention or answer (the DB/DR book) and I really find it increasingly curious.
What is it about solution based approaches that you don't like? Give that a second before ignoring, b/c it's really intriguing to me.
And when you say you have not seen success stories or healthy m's or know of any, there are stories around here of many...and on other sites too. Do you not know ANY relatively happy couples?
as in, People who would remarry their spouse if they could do it all over again?
I would not go the self taught route so much when there are so many helpful resources and you've both done that a lot but still lack the tools for new ways of behaving
and besides, are you really wanting to put yourself in a role where you are "teaching" him how HE can be his best self?
Not really your job, plus you want to focus on your own work, correct?
Life's a lot easier when we just work on US and don't take on the "burdens" of others' and they don't take on ours.
Hope this makes sense.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Before I read your longer email, I'll say this: the pressure is from the belief that I could still be dating and me "mr. right" or take time off to explore where this is going with ExBF -
I did want another child.
And I do feel pressure to work on things with him, in a way. I'm just being honest.
I know that doesn't make sense, no one will agree with that, I should just forget it. But, here's the thing - It's true for me. And I'm being honest.
I guess I didn't realize the easy part was falling in love and committing. That was never easy for me in any relationships. At least not "falling in love" in a real way - that's not about projections and hopes and unrealistic expectations. Or committing in a real intimate long-lasting way.
Wait, 25 - about the resisting and resources, maybe you have me confused with someone else? Sorry.
I was the one literally burnt out on resources - MC, IC, MWD books and audio, all other books and audio, etc. I studied ACT, the Work, read a million R books, etc.
So not sure what to say about that.
As far as people in RL R's - not many. A few, most seem utterly miserable, distant, going through motions, etc.
Yes, and I don't want to be teaching him anything. But I don't know what your point was around that or what I said to prompt that. No, I don't want to teach.
I do just want to be a couple who is working to make things work and eventually they work. I don't see anything wrong with that. It's a conscious choice. It's not just left to fate and falling in love and then who knows who will fall out of love. It's working together to create something that we both want - a family - and working out a plan - whether it be with finances or childcare or where we live - that is in the best interest of all.
He thinks he was like the greatest dad over the last year, and I think he sucked. I don't ever seen him doing anything "above and beyond" just the bare minimum, and I hate that. I absolutely hate that about him.
What are your expectations that he's not meeting? Have you discussed it with him? If not, then you need to and you need to do it in a positive way, not in a nagging way. Don't say "you never do X and I hate that". Instead say "I notice you haven't tried X and I think D would love that, do you think that's something you might be interested in with her?" Remember, if you've never discussed your expectations with him then he has NO CLUE what they are, so when he doesn't meet them you shouldn't be the least bit surprised. We're men, we DO NOT read clues you put in the tea leaves. You have to tell us in plain, clear terms.
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I feel like he acts like a teenager - I can't explain that, but he has this walk, and the way he talks sometimes, and that damn pink car he drives. Drives me nuts.
No offense, but it sounds like you're really reaching to come up with stuff you don't like about him.
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Yes, I always imagined myself with a mature older man who was a MAN - polite, a gentleman, confident, providing. Loving me.
You're in love with an imaginary OM. He doesn't exist. This is very common, men and women both can fall in love with an imaginary OP and throw away their R to pursue something that's not even real.
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In fact, I want another child, and so I don't want a 50-year-old in the end. The younger guys weren't great either. I never found a good match. And I didn't all the years before that. So what am I still holding out for?
You're holding out for someone that's not real. The sooner you realize that then the sooner you'll realize it's a whole lot easier to "love the one you're with".
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My friend said, "I just worry that you're giving up and not going to hold out for the right man for you."
It's "friends" like this that ruin good marriages. They convince you the perfect marriage is right around the corner. A marriage is only as good as the effort you put into it though.
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And then my friend said "I just want you to have the happiness you deserve" What does that mean? A guy is going to do that?
No. You're responsible for your own happiness. Short of a physical abuse situation, you can choose to be happy with darned near anyone... if you're willing to put in the effort.
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I want to be a person whose happiness isn't dependent on who she is with necessarily.
AS, you're speaking my language. YES YES YES to everything you're saying. This is what I'm talking about.
Even down to the OM. He's imaginary. He's not here right now. I'm going to turn away ExBF b/c of someone potential OM who is better for me in the future? .... hmm...
I just love everything you've said. I'm heartened. Thank you!
BTW, that friend is divorced, and I don't mean to judge, but he acted like his wife was the one with all the issues, when I can spot some in him, now he's single and looking ... and looking and looking... I'm a big fan of loving the one you're with. Thank you again!
No. You're responsible for your own happiness. Short of a physical abuse situation, you can choose to be happy with darned near anyone... if you're willing to put in the effort.
I don't buy into you can be happy with anyone who doesn't physically abuse you.
Do you think happiness comes from others? It absolutely does not. Happiness is purely our own personal responsibility. Society teaches us that we deserve happiness and that if we feel negative emotions then something is wrong with us and we need to fight those emotions and seek out "happiness". As a result, we're constantly fighting "bad" emotions and seeking "good" emotions. I highly recommend reading "The Happiness Trap", it describes what we've been programmed to believe about being "happy" and why it results in us feeling the opposite- we are always chasing happiness and never find it because we misunderstand what it is and where it comes from. Happiness isn't about only experiencing one certain emotion all the time, it's about understanding that it's normal to feel an entire range of emotions and that you can accept these as normal and understand that they are just emotions and don't affect your perception of life unless you let them. If you are truly happy, you can spend time with someone that's a total jerk and you will still be happy. More often than not your happiness will rub off on them as well.
Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Then I could have a happy marriage with the dude next door as long as he doesn't beat me.
LOL! Let me put it to you this way, what is a "happy marriage"? Is it a marriage in which both people are "happy"? What is "happiness" to you? There is a fundamental misunderstanding in society of what "happiness" is. As a result, few people are "happy" with their marriage, their job, their appearance, their children, their car, etc. etc. My point isn't that you can have a happy marriage with your neighbor, it is that if you are truly happy then it doesn't matter whether you're married or not! It doesn't matter who are you married to! Because you cannot "obtain" happiness from others. Read the book if you can, it explains it a lot better than I can
Originally Posted By: ESN
AS, you're speaking my language. YES YES YES to everything you're saying. This is what I'm talking about.
Even down to the OM. He's imaginary. He's not here right now. I'm going to turn away ExBF b/c of someone potential OM who is better for me in the future? .... hmm...
I just love everything you've said. I'm heartened. Thank you!
Great, I'm glad you didnt take it the wrong way Glad to help! Good luck to you!
