An Exercise For Forgiveness

[sage]

SG and Water....yes, it is so hard to see these attributes in myself. I mentioned that I used my mother in my exercise...and it was difficult to see myself as self-centered, withholding of love and acceptance, selfish, judgemental...the real shocker was "stuck in the past".

Please move onto the rest of the steps quickly! The exercises aren't supposed to mire you in guilt and shame...but to encourage compassion for the other AND for yourself. The feeling being, I suppose, that when we are able to see that these traits are somewhat "universal" that forgiveness is more readily reached.

I mentioned in my earlier post that I DID get stuck when trying to take the NEXT STEP because even though I felt REAL compassion for my mother's emotional state, I STILL felt as though her actions were not understandable...more work for ME, I suppose...to remind myself that my actions, too, are often out of context with the actual situation.

Sage

[Survival_Goddess]

Thanks for the advice, Sage.I plan to continue every night until I am done. I have a 7 day candle that I burn as I do the excercises and meditate on Forgiveness. How quickly do you mean?

[sage]

Thanks for the advice, Sage.I plan to continue every night until I am done. I have a 7 day candle that I burn as I do the excercises and meditate on Forgiveness. How quickly do you mean?

Oh...I didn't mean quickly so literally, I suppose...I was just concerned that you might get stuck in feeling badly about yourself.

Whatever pace is working for you is fine!

Sage

[sage]

Some positives from yesterday:

1. h was clearly psyched to see me after he got out of school. he was very attentive to hearing about my day and evening. I was 100% focused on listening!

2. h offered to run an errand for me -- I'm not sure I have time to get my books for my new classes and I have homework for the first class. it would be so much of a hassle for him to do it for me...but he does have the time...it was just a lovely offer.

3. I FINALLY did my flybaby routine! I've been doing really well with my other daily goals but not so well with the decluttering. I got quite a bit accomplished!

4. we're going over some friends house to watch the Pats play on Sunday. H found out that the food to be served is Chili which I probably wouldn't eat if it had ground beef in it. He was VERY sweet and concerned that I have something I could eat at the party!

Sage

[psluke]

Good Morning Sage,

Things just sound better and better for you and H!!

You are awesome!

[KutieKat]

why am i ignoring this thread like it's the PLAGUE????

is it that i think i don't need any help in forgiveness? that i already have that all under control?????

ugh

note to self - DO THESE DAMN EXERCISES

[sage]

Brrr...it's SO COLD in the northeast right now! -7 degrees this morning.

Positives from yesterday...

1. h was very enthusiastic to see me when he got back from study group last night...very affectionate, etc.

2. h sat on the couch with me instead of sitting in the recliner. A VERY big deal as it gives us a chance to snuggle. He made sure to tell me how much he loved doing that AND asked me to remind him to sit with me!

3. h is getting his first set of grades tonight (law school). I'm meeting him after school and we've been joking that we'll either need to go to some divey bar for tons of drinks (bad grades) or a nice bar for tons of drinks (good grades). He told me last night that NOTHING would impact our date night. That he was SO looking forward to spending a night out with me!

I'm reading a really interesting book called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It's about how people react to setbacks and negative situations and is focused on how to break pessimistic thought processes.

He says that there are three crucial elements to how we react to bad things happening: permanence (whether we believe that bad things happening to us are permanent), pervasiveness (whether we think that bad things happening in one area of our lives implies that all aspects of our lives are bad) and personalization (whether we view the causes of bad things happening as internal to us or external).

Interestingly enough, I scored well on the permanence and pervasiveness parts...I apparently don't view bad things as eternal (more than the average person) and I don't let bad things happening in one area pervade the rest of my life.

When I reflect on this...I'd say this is true about me.

Probably not a shock to ANYONE who reads my threads but I scored rather poorly on the personalization aspect. Apparently I tend to feel largely responsible for the bad things that occur...

When I was doing the forgiveness exercise over the weekend and I identified one of my grievances towards my mother as her "self-centeredness" I had to apply that attribute to myself, too. I think that my self-centeredness manifests itself differently than my mother's ... she thinks the world revolves around her (or should) but is unwilling to take responsibility for actions and results (sweeping statement...bear with me)...I think the world revolves around me in the negative sense...that the things I do or don't do cause bad things to happen...different driving thoughts but similar outcomes.

I remember h saying to me "you think everything is about you".

I guess it's partly about feeling responsible and partly about CONTROL...if I'm the root cause then I can fix everything right? Been there, tried to do that!

So...I'm just sort of babbling...the book is interesting...not sure it goes further than that!

The weekend looks GOOD! GO PATS!

Sage

[sage]

why am i ignoring this thread like it's the PLAGUE????

is it that i think i don't need any help in forgiveness? that i already have that all under control?????

ugh

note to self - DO THESE DAMN EXERCISES

KK -- You're FUNNY!

When I showed up for the class and found out that I was the ONLY ONE there (yikes!!!) I said to the teacher "I can't be the ONLY one who needs to learn how to forgive, can I?"

He laughed. (then paused and said "you've got to be ready for this kind of stuff").

Sage

[sage]

Morning, all! Happy Monday!

Had a great weekend with h...lots of positives! Friday I met him after class and we went out for drinks and dinner. I asked h for help with a problem that I've been having at work and he came thru BIG TIME! I love when he listens so intently to me and shares his thoughts and ideas.

Sat. we each did our own thing during the day -- me doing errands, etc, and him studying. we went to see a movie and had dinner afterwards. Good times!

Sunday we went to the gym. I went to the store afterwards while h studied. We had some fun when I got back then we went off to watch the Pats play with his friends from his former job. We had a great time (GO PATS!) and got home earlier enough to snuggle on the couch, watching some shows. H was very thoughtful and loving all day...made me a plate of food, sat close to me on the couch at friends house, etc.

I do need to get a little bit of self-pity off of my chest (so I don't wallow in it!). When we were at friend's house last night we were hanging out with the couples that ow and her h used to also hang out with. At one point during the afternoon...all of the guys were in the living room watching the game while the other wives were in another room -- the three of them have all had babies in the last few months and they were doing baby things I was sitting in the living room, separate from the guys, just watching them...and I was thinking...ow was friends with all of these men...she tried to insert herself into each one of their lives in one way or another...she was flirty and forward...all of the wives had an issue with her...and each of the h's told us that we were overrecting, that she was just a friend of theirs...why was it MY h that got involved with her? why was HE the one that responded in that way? what's so broken about our m? our r? me? him? that got us down this path. I dunno...it just bummed me out...I felt like I was caught in this dream state...4 couples...why us?

OK..I can let that go now...thanks for listening!

Sage

[Jeannine]

why was it MY h that got involved with her? why was HE the one that responded in that way? what's so broken about our m? our r? me? him? that got us down this path. I dunno...it just bummed me out...I felt like I was caught in this dream state...4 couples...why us?

{{{{{Sage}}}}}

I can understand how those questions came to mind and how they would impact your emotions.
I don't see how one can avoid bumping into this sort of thing from time to time.

Until we face (but not dwell on) those lingering questions that tend to impact our feelings, they will keep tapping us on the shoulder.
It's a balancing act to be sure.

I suppose that there are a few things that can happen to help put these issues to rest for us.

a. Our S sits us down and spells it out for us? ........Yea, right.
b. We figure it out on our own. .....
c. Amnesia. .............
d. Time...... Lot's and lot's of it.

Now on to the answers you DO have.

Care to bite?