Still together but trying to save this

[MrBond]

" I would love to do some 180s with my wife."

The 180s are for YOU. They are changes in your behavior and attitude that she didn't like. You're supposed to make those changes whether your W is there or not.

You can't keep doing things only for her or to get a reaction from her.

Did you really read DR?

If you did, what is your list of issues that she had about you and how you plan to change each of them? You need to write this stuff out so you can come up with a plan.

[PeteWyo]

I absolutely read the book. And the things that I need to change I am changing. We both agree that my anxiety and her fear of confrontation were the issues. I am working on my anxiety. What else is there to do? These are not reasons to end a marriage. I was asses what 180s am I doing with my wife so I answered that question. If the 180s are for me, then I am doing them. How do I 180 my wife hiding her feelings from me for 3 years and then dumping them on me all at once? How do I handle it differently than FINALLY admitting that I have an anxiety issue and taking huge strides to address that issue?

[PeteWyo]

*asked not asses, sorry

[MrBond]

"How do I 180 my wife hiding her feelings from me for 3 years and then dumping them on me all at once?"

This is not the issue. The fact that your W believes that she withheld her confrontation issues from you, is. What were the reasons why she said she didn't want to bring up issues with you? It could be because she didn't trust you. Maybe growing up she never learned how to trust. That's something to address.


"How do I handle it differently than FINALLY admitting that I have an anxiety issue and taking huge strides to address that issue?"

Have you always had anxiety issues? If so, continue therapy to get rid of them. Take drugs if you need them. Meditate, do whatever you need to to make you whole.

[PeteWyo]

She has always had confrontation issues according to her family. Her parents are divorced. We never fought, maybe because I was also afraid to upset her because I knew even a raised voice would make her feel bad. She just avoids confrontation with everyone, not just me. She had a falling out with her friends and I had to beg her to go have a heart to heart talk with them to figure it out. In the end they actually just made it worse by being generally mean to her and not having an adult conversation and admitting their flaws. It is a serious problem that I didn't think was so bad until recently.

My anxiety only started in the past 4 or 5 years and it didn't really get bad until theblast couple of years. You know the story, things got real, married, job going well and pressure to keep doing better, house, bills... Real life. That's when things got bad, but I am dealing with that, I am not hiding anymore and I finally realize that I can't solve all the worlds problems on my own. Problem is the person who I want to lean on isn't there anymore.

[MrBond]

Did your W ever speak to someone about these issues? Right now she doesn't see there being and issue because she didn't learn to open up before. She feels "safe" when she doesn't have to confront an issue because she's afraid of conflict. Look up "conflict avoidance" and I think you'll see your W in it.

"I am not hiding anymore and I finally realize that I can't solve all the worlds problems on my own."

That's where GAL and bettering your self-esteem is critical.

"Problem is the person who I want to lean on isn't there anymore."

It's not a problem because you shouldn't rely on someone else to take care of YOUR problems. YOUR issues, YOU have to deal with it.

[PeteWyo]

I believe she is seeing our MC as an IC. I suggested we both go to her because she knew the back story from our 2 MC sessions and she was willing to give us a discount if we came individually, so it made sense. I have no idea what she is talking to her about.

I agree that I need to work on my issues alone if I have any hope of fixing me and maybe even saving my M. It is still hard, I know what I have to do, but I still miss her.

[25yearsmlc]

Well that is a complicated situation. I would love to do some 180s with my wife. But she isn't around. She is staying with a friend and isn't in the house.

then the answer to how YOU "help" her with the problems you say she has, is not to do so. Agreed?


I basically told her early on that it was the OM or me and it appears that she has made her choice.

Why'd you force an ultimatum on her when there were no changes on your end for her to believe marriage to you could be different or better?

I will assume you had not yet read DR??


I would love to continue to be in some sort of relationship with my W but I don't know at this point what to believe. I can't do too many 180s with my W because all of her issues

NOT TRUE!...your 180s are CHANGES IN YOU that YOU WANT/NEED TO MAKE and have little to do with her.

Stop talking about HER issues. She's not here trying to save the m, YOU are. Work on you.

Your continued harping about her flaws and "issues" in the face of yours, which lasted the whole marriage and crippled her social life (along with yours)

means you keep not wanting to face the enormity of that and keep switching topics to HER FLAWS/ISSUES and that will get you nowhere fast...




(at least the ones that she has told me about) stem from my anxiety and work stress. Both things that I am working on.


glad you are working on them. I really am. But many WAWs wait, unfortunately, until nearly or all of their loving feelings are gone before they leave. That MAY have happened...or not.

We didn't have the marriage from hell. I always did thoughtful things for her and took care of her. I rarely raised my voice and we almost never fought. That is part of the problem, or maybe a big part of the problem.

I have obviously talked with all of our friends a lot about what is going on and they keep telling me stories of how my W would come to them unhappy about something.


WHY are you "obviously talking with all of your friends A LOT about what is going on"??? To get them on your side? Have you truly read the DB book b/c I swear you are missing out on some big chunks. DO NOT DO THIS.

If you want to "keep the road home, paved and smooth" then stop making it harder for her to come back.

If you want to whine in self pity and blame HER for "HER" issues and act as if your "anxiety" had no effect ON HER, then stay stuck.



But she never told ME that she was unhappy about those things. What's worse is that the thins she was unhappy about were misunderstandings. She would hear only one small part of what I was saying and vent only that part to other people without putting the conversation in context.

so the only possible reason she'd be uncomfortable discussing or confronting you is NOT related to your anxiety or snapping at her ways,

it's all a reflection of her deep seated "issues" right? I'm sorry to be hitting you with the 2 x 4s but I feel strongly

you are wasting a huge opportunity to learn a lot more about your own stuff, which is tragic b/c you'll probably repeat things in your next r, that you could learn to repair now if you let yourself...


Once they heard the whole conversation they understood what we were talking about and everyone keeps telling me that it was presented completely differently. I don't fault her for any of that, she was feeling a certain way and I understand that.\

yes you do fault her for this so why deny that here?.


But how could we have ever sorted out our misunderstandings and miscommunications if she never talked to me about them? She admits that we did have a lot of miscommunications and that we never talked about them because she was afraid of confrontation.

Either you knew or should have known she was goofy about communication and done something to improve it

AND OR you were NOT easy to do conflict resolution with. Given your history I have to believe you share some of the responsibility for this.

How were YOUR conflict resolution skills? I mean if life itself frightened you then can't you see that she might have feared pushing you over the edge with any type of complaint?


But it doesn't matter because even though she knows now about all of this, she could never possibly heal. The damage has been done, whether or not it was her fear of confrontation or my anxiety, it doesn't matter. So no I am not doing 180s with my W, because she isn't around to witness them.

Wow...

Read Bond's post to you again and again. You either miss the point of the GAL and 180s and or you did not read the book

or you don't care to change FOR YOU...and if so, why is that?

[PeteWyo]

I agree with all of those points and I appreciate your candor, I am actually quite sick of half-truths and people beating around the bush. I have always been a very truthful and direct person, probably to a fault. I guess I misunderstood a previous post by 25yearsmlc asking what 180s I was doing with respect to my wife. I did force that ultimatum before I read DB, I realize that was not probably the thing to do, but it made sense at the time. It is hard to avoid talking about it since everyone keeps asking me about what is going on. I am not intentionally trying to get everyone on my side. Literally everyone is on my side and have been from the beginning since her EA was made public to just about everyone I know, so everyone is trying to comfort me I suppose. She has told me that the reason she didn't come to me with the issues is because she didn't want to fight. She does have a serious conflict avoidance problem that DID affect our marriage in a lot of ways, I have really always known that to some extent. And I should have talked with her about that long ago, so I am just as guilty. That doesn't change anything and it certainly doesn't change the fact that I do have my own issues that I need to work on. I DO want to change for me! I don't want to be in my box anymore, I was in it for far too long! I think about how I acted and the person that I was when I first met my W and I want to be that person again so bad. That is the person that I was for most of my life and I need to get that back.

Thank you for the continued guidance and support, I need it! I can't take on the world alone anymore.

I read a great quote last night that I thought I would share on here, actually it is a bit of a paraphrase of the quote, but it works.

"I am not the man I ought to be, I am not the man I wish to be, and I am not the man I hope to be, but by the grace of God, I am not the man I used to be." - John Newton

[PeteWyo]

Looking for some advice on something. I miss my niece, my W sister has a one year old. Is it a detriment to me detaching to go visit her?