thanks all for the feedback/advice. It is very much appreciated and I take a lot of comfort from them.
Sandi 2. Thanks again and I will try to answer some of your Q's:
Why does wife feel everone steps on her - thinks comes from her childhood. Her dad died when she was 7 (cancer) and her mum had what seems to be a nervous breakdown and did not cope v well. W was constantly trying to please her but got knocked back. Her mum did not really support the children through this period as she was dealing with her own stress/emotion. W feels she has carried the pleasing into her married life. She was emotionally abused in her last M through trying to please and being taken advantage of. She feels that she has been the main person trying to please in our M. I don't see it at all that way but there are some aspects I can see how she may have interpreted things that way. Again, me working long hours, her making sure the household was run was her way of pleasing me as well as it needing to be done. I see that clearly now but in the thick of the day 2 day stuff did not show my appreciation as much as I could have. I did show it - just perhaps not as often as she would have liked. We have had discussions in the past about how she tries to please other people too much and I have told her it is ok to say no as she has a lot on. However, she felt helping others a distraction from the mundane day 2 day routine so I never pushed this. But she has always taken on too much with not much help from others in return. I think basically she has felt like a doormat.
For the record no Separation is the last think I want. Whilst I understand the need for her to get away out of the fog I think given our specific circumstances it would push her deeper into it at the moment. But I am prepared for S if that is what it takes.
Re other support it is very difficult here. Special needs is v low on govts agendas and hence there is v little money available. If our son was a robber or mugged old people we would get plenty support! but hey I'm getting politicial
Just to be clear I do not expect anything from W. I am willing to put in what it takes and can do this to either a happy end or D. W is emotional enough and I don't want to add to the pressure. I just want W to feel better in herself at the moment. To me our relationship is on hold until she can do that. In my soul searching I can see the faults in our marriage and would completely agree that any move forward would definately mean not going back to how we were.
I am enjoying doing jobs etc I never did before - it is making me feel better and giving me more confidence around the house.
AnotherStander - thanks so much for the list of responses. I am prepared for S and you are absoloutely right in your comments re snooping and trying to diagnose W. I drove myself mad with this and decided that what will be will be. There is nothing I can do or have control over other than myself.
I have always been determined and this is like nothing I have ever faced. But I will not give up on my M and family. I love what we have too much but completely agree that if there is a hope of R it needs to be completely different. This is the frustating thing - I know we could have an even stronger, better relationship than before if we get through this. It is this that keeps me going. If I did think about going back to how things were then I would probably want to S myself having had this wakeup to think about things properly.
Williams - the hardest and possibly the longest road ever! I always remember a stranger coming up to me in the park when I was with my youngest S and saying "God has a way of placing the biggest burdens on the strongest shoulders". Not sure if that is a quote from the bible - No idea who he was and yet I have always taken comfort from that in difficult times.
Anyway - update for today is that W was brighter this am. I have got youngest S ready for bed and about to read him his story. Then its the Gym, dog walk and rest.
Keep in touch and best of luck with your sitchs. It is good to here from people in the same place as I am and it is keeping me going at the moment.
