Just started but stuck

[AnotherStander]

Confronted him on 09/02 when he was finally home long enough for me to talk to him and got "I love you,but I'm not in love with you" only after repeated questioning about what the heck was wrong. In the last few months, his personality has totally changed. He stopped laughing around me, or calling me pet nicknames, or having me rub his back. He started wearing his hair differently.
Feeling sucker punched, I responded with, "I'm in total shock, and what can I do to change this?" I really was in shock. I've always felt adored and loved by this man, and that has always been everyone else's opinion, too.

I can relate, this is very similar to my sitch. My W always showed a lot of affection and after BD it completely and totally stopped literally overnight. It's very confusing and painful.

His response: I don't know what I want to do about us. And now is a bad time to talk. I have a sinus headache, and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

In other words- "you are putting pressure on me and I do not want it." Stop ALL talks about the relationship right away. Only talk about it if he wants to, and if he does then let him do all the talking and you just listen intently and validate his emotions.

Assuming H was in MLC, I tried to detach. I moved my clothes out of our shared closet. I don't sleep in the same bedroom as H and haven't for years because of his snoring, so that didn't change.

Read DR, "more of the same" behavior isn't going to help your sitch. You've got to change things up and do 180's. Do the opposite of what you've been doing. In your case that could very well mean moving back into the master bedroom.

I've been trying to learn about MLC.

Based on the limited info you've provided, it sounds more like WAS than MLC. MLCers can get really ugly. But I wouldn't worry about trying to diagnose it, just concentrate on YOU. This is the essence of DB'ing.

I am trying to get more of a life outside of my home, and become more involved in church activities. I've left the house twice when he was home in the evening without telling him or s where I was going, which is a change for me, although it seems to have had no effect.

This is all good, but keep in mind that GAL helps you, but you need to work on 180's to demonstrate change to your husband as well. I haven't seen you mention 180's, work on that if you haven't. Regarding "no effect", don't expect any changes in his attitude anytime soon. It's going to take months before he's convinced you've really changed and are not just doing tricks to try and lure him back.

I made two mistakes last week. I asked if we could talk, and it was a bad time for him, and I am a bully for insisting that we talk right now.

Here are a few DB rules for you to consider:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

I know how you feel, I'd love to be able to sit down and hash things out with my W too. But I assure you, every relationship talk you initiate will just backfire on you, I've been there. It's perceived as pressure. It will not help.

Second mistake: reading all the threads about EA and PA, my imagination got the better of me. I spied on email, computer files. Didn't find anything, but haven't discounted the possibility of OW. It would be out of character, but everything he is doing and acting like is not the man he was a year and a half ago. He had adored me up until that time.

Don't spy, it won't help and can make things worse. There's not always a "real" OW, he may have some imaginary vision of the perfect woman in his head and that's really all it takes. Work on you, that's all that's within your control. Give him the space and time he's asking for.

I talked to my pastor yesterday. He said that he would talk to H and me anytime, anywhere. I don't think that is the way to go right now.

You're right.

I am Catholic, and believe that a marriage bond is indissoluble, even if civil divorce is warranted.

That's great, but unfortunately it only takes one to end a marriage. What your belief is doesn't matter if your H wants to end it. Same with me, my faith leads me to believe marriage is the highest calling we as humans can perform for God, but my W doesn't feel that way (I thought she did right up until BD) and it's completely in her power to end it regardless of what I say or believe. Such is the way our laws work.