Divorced Thrd #6/Long Road Ahead

[Mrs D]

X dropped C off last night alittle after 8. Came into the house, made short conversation and left. I guess today is NC #17? I am counting the days till my D is back home for the weekend, and am so excited to see her. Hard to believe we are almost into October...

So IC on Saturday, we touched alot of the goals that we set when I first went in to see him, and where I am now. The goals I had set with him were broad:

1) Become more honest
2) Find happiness within me
3) Become a better person (finding out why the one night and EA started)

He asked where I with all of these - 100 being 100% complete
Number 1 was the only that was 100%. I make a decision everyday to be as honest as I can be. I thought that would have been the hardest for me because I had lied about so many things, even the little things that shouldnt matter. But I think since finding God again, I no longer struggle with being honest at all.

#2 - not so much. I told him that I think Im 50% there and the reasons why I seem to lack, most of it confidence, self esteem, etc. I also think that I relied on relationships to make me happy. As in the past, I always jumped right into another when I was out of a relationship, just to have someone there. This time though, I didnt. I really want to work on me and become the better person I know I can be. And I really would like to have the chance to maybe someday be in a better relationship with X. That is my future goal. My goal now is me.


#3 - I told him that I am not sure where I am with that because it is a day to day process. I think there is still so much going on with the past, and within me that I couldnt give a percentage on that one.

At the end of the session though, we were talking about my GF that I go to church with, and how she had said to me how proud of me she is of the changes that I have made. She said that even now, Im a different person that I was a year ago. And I shared that with my therapist. He actually said he was proud of me as well, as he sees alot of changes within the time Ive spent with him. I walked out of IC feeling so much stronger than I had for awhile. And it seems to have carried into yesterday and today, even though for a bit yesterday I questioned alot of things.

I woke this morning, prayed to God as I do every day. This mroning I asked for a sign. Anything. Today I havent really thought much of them at all. Maybe here and there, but nothing as it had in the past. I think Im on top of the rollercoaster this morning with the thoughts of how much I really do love X - but I cant make him change his mind about us. Only he can. And maybe now isnt the time he should be because I am not 100% as I want to be. And God knows that. God seems to be talking to me today, and I think this could be the sign that I asked for. I dont know. HAppy Monday!