First a quick update, we had our "gang" lunch yesterday (I hesitate to say "family" in the midst of S) with all 3 kids. I also went over to hang a ceiling fan at W's house for D15. My wife's attitude towards me could best be described as friendly, but cold and distant. There was no pursuit whatsoever. She didn't even thank me for buying everyone lunch at her favorite restaurant. No biggie, I have no expectations and certainly don't expect a turnaround this quick, I just wanted to update where things are. W did give me a large bag of the white trash snack mix I mentioned earlier, so that was nice.
W's week long visitation of the kids started yesterday. It was very tough on me, the house seemed really lonely and empty. I stayed busy doing stuff, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me in a major way. Thankfully I'll be seeing the kids after school each day before W picks them up from my house.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I almost think that^^ "backsliding" BECAUSE of Retrovaille is impossible. Why? B/C UNLIKE some mc's, who rehash the past, Retrovaille itself cannot hurt a m, in my opinion.
Thanks for the info on Retrovaille, that's very helpful!! It's been hard to really gauge what it's all about because most people don't really get into details of what goes on there. But things have changed here recently and W at this point has zero, and I mean ZERO interest or willingness in working on our R even if that means just improving communications. I just checked the Retrovaille schedule and the one near us is two weeks out and that's just not going to happen given W's current state. There's another in February that's a reasonable drive from here, maybe there will be progress by then. I do very much appreciate your input and respect your opinion, thank you again!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Make sure you are GAL and start to be a bit mysterious. At some point she must fear losing you. Be less predictable (not "unreliable" as a parent, but less predictable...less available to her...
My new lady friend went on a texting frenzy to me while I was out to lunch yesterday with W and kids. My phone was buzzing like crazy. W didn't say anything, but then later we were driving to her house to hang the fan, W was driving and I was texting and she asked if I was texting D18. I said "no", and she asked who and I said "a friend". She didn't ask anymore about it, but yeah, it played pretty well into what you described above I think Frankly I was surprised she asked who I was texting.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Detach...which is NOT giving up. It is a protective step that also helps you to not pursue and that usually eases tensions in the marital r.
Thanks, and I think I've done well in detaching without making W think I'm giving up on the R. There's been no tension between us for quite some time, we get along great other than her being somewhat cold and distant.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
There's more hope in your sitch than in most WAWs I think.
I just can't believe how difficult it is to have hope!! Like Cadet is so fond of saying, it's a lot easier to just quit and move on. It's so much harder to harbor hope, because with it comes the fear of being rejected AGAIN.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Of course, if she tells you she's gay next week, I might retract.
LOL!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
what if she's been holding back on things that stewed in her for a long time?
THis is potentially a goldmine of info...wow, WHY did she buy it AND what did she think of it? NOT saying to ask it that directly, but it's essentially what I'd want to know...
I just did the math on this, back then our oldest would have been 3 and our middle daughter 1. W went through very severe post-partum depression after our middle daughter was born and that's about the time she started A/D med's. She may have bought the book to explore the possibility that our M was to blame for her depression. After she started the med's she had a major and immediate turnaround and things were great again.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
LOL, my wife tells our pet rabbits she loves them while hugging them good night.. while I'm sitting there quietly thinking "lucky rabbit". haha
Hahaha! I think my W is so used to telling everyone in creation that she loves them that she has to consciously stop herself from saying it to me. There have been a few times when it looked like she started to say it and then caught herself. I just feel like telling her "look, I know you're not "in love" with me, but you're not "in love" with your BFF either so you can sign off the phone to me with "love you" and I'm not going to think you're moving back in, it's no big deal." Better to just bite my tongue though
How can you be standing for your marriage an cultivating a R with a lady friend? Or is this an imaginary lady friend?
Yes she's real, I mentioned her earlier in the thread. We were best friends throughout college. We've kept in touch on and off over the years, but after BD she became a rock for me to lean on and she's helped me immensely. We've rekindled our old friendship. She divorced from her physically and mentally abusive husband years ago and has raised 4 kids on her own. We're just friends, but I don't feel inclined to explain anything about it to my W, I'll let her wonder what's going on And she loves to text. It's not unusual for her to send me 20+ texts before I get a chance to reply, LOL! It could very well develop into something more later, but she knows I'm standing right now.
Yes Cadet, he can have friends but he even called it an EA. If they've had the discussion that they are both going to see other people then, great! Maybe they have and I didn't see it.
I am your friend, Cadet.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I just wanted to say that you are getting it, this stuff is really hard.
Thanks Cadet, I appreciate it!
Originally Posted By: labug
Sounds like an EA to me.
W has moved out and has made it clear that she is ready to pursue other relationships. I had no say in the matter, she basically just told me that's what she was going to do (and only after I asked what her intentions were). I do not believe she is having a PA yet, but she may be in an EA with a guy I know. He doesn't appear to be reciprocating for now. He's a good 15 years younger, I think that's why she's chasing him. Clinging to youth. We're not in a "trial" separation, as far as she's concerned she's gone and we're done. So even if I was engaged in an EA, which I don't believe I am, I'm not breaking any boundaries (because there are none).
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How would you feel if your wife was doing this? Would that be OK?
Well obviously I would prefer to be piecing and neither of us involved with others, but as I mentioned she's already said she's interested in pursuing others.
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What if having an EA just confirms for your W that she's making the right choice to leave the marriage.
She's already convinced of that.
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Does your "lady friend" know she's being used?
Used for what? We haven't said or done anything that I haven't said/ done with the male members of my support group.
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I think you're on a slippery slope, my friend.
I appreciate the 2x4, really I do. But I think you're reading something into it that isn't there.
Originally Posted By: labug
Yes Cadet, he can have friends but he even called it an EA.
Actually I didn't. Here is what I said:
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I have to admit I've been engaging in something approaching an EA with a lady I was best friends with in college. We've maintained infrequent contact over the years, but since BD she's been part of my support group. We've been careful not to go too far with it since we both know I'm susceptible to jumping into something too quickly right now. She divorced her abusive husband years ago and hasn't been in a serious R since. She's out of state, but ironically her brother lives 3 doors down from me so I see her now and then when she's visiting. I'm smart enough not to jump the gun right now, but it sure is nice to talk to a beautiful woman that actually cares about me versus getting treated like a distant relative by W.
I thought I was being clear that we're friends, that it could mature into something else later, but that we're both aware that it's too soon to escalate things. I probably should have just said "personal relationship" instead of "EA" because the word "affair" implies something against the marriage or against an agreement of some sort. But as far as W is concerned the M is dead and gone and we have no agreement to work on anything. Now she's not hateful about it or anything like that, but she really is being quite black-and-white about it. And I'm not fighting it because that would not be in the spirit of DBing. I'm just validating her emotions, GAL'ing and being a bit mysterious. That's all
If you've had that "we're going to date others" discussion then it's great. I assume the lady friend knows that you would like to reconcile with your W, if that's the case. Or have you decided to move on. I guess that's where I'm confused.
Not a 2x4, just a question.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
If you've had that "we're going to date others" discussion then it's great. I assume the lady friend knows that you would like to reconcile with your W, if that's the case. Or have you decided to move on. I guess that's where I'm confused.
Frankly I was surprised she asked who I was texting.
