busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Ok I just want to journal what happened yesterday:

You guys will be disappointed in me but I ended up talking the R talk and OM in this relationship with the W.

THIS^^^ IS NOT DBing...just so you know. So don't say "it's not working" because you are not doing it. Did you really truly read the book? IF so, read it again.

IT'll help you setting yourself up again. You had just had some positives and then you let your anger up again, which shows how UNlikely you are to ever forgive her. That means, to HER< you'll hold it over her head forever so to HER

she may as well not even try...and OM looks easier and easier and you look more and more like a mountain to climb with maybe no reward at the top.


I just felt all this anger building up and I needed to get them out.

then exercise or call an anger sponsor. You don't "get them out" on HER!! That is the last thing you do, if ever. IT just confirms her worst negatives of you and helps her justify leaving you.


So I ask the W if OM contacted her, and she said "well I think he called my work but I wasn't around, and I think it was him but I didn't talk to him". So this really infuriates me more and this is when we started talking deeper in the R and I'm like WTF when where you planning to tell me...


HIM calling her is not something to become infuriated about. THEY DID NOT SPEAK and as for why she would not tell you, I'm GUESSING it's b/c you get infuriated at something she had no control over.


So anyway, we went on and I told her the next time she feels like deceiving me, let me know or D my a$$$.

Wow...that's a major backslide. What did you learn from it?


I felt I had to give my boundaries and basically told her I don't want to be deceived again. She really promised me she will not do it and if she does she'll let me know. So I said, Ok that's fair enough.

See the last time she lied (9/4), s3 kept asking where she was, she told us she has a meeting.

1) "Lying" is not the same as her not yet telling you what OM did and

2) lose the scorecard. You are holding onto and counting your grievances against her...there's no way you guys are going to make it like that. Is this a pattern in your marriage?


I had no idea until I got some proof that she was lying and that she was actually with OM. Low life OM was in our town that weekend. I told her, you know it's one thing you deceive me but I will draw the line if the piece of sh!t OM takes your time away from my Kids and you end up lying to the kids. I was just boiling...

I know this is not the DB way and not what I was working at, but I needed to make it clear and let her know I wouldn't stay in this M if she entertains OM again.

I told her she's got a choice, that I can not control her actions but I have a choice to react and not to be in this marriage as long as the low life OM is in the picture. Honestly, this is what I feel. And I really won't tolerate it if this happens again, meaning I'm out.

I don't know how much damaged it did. And frankly at this point I don't give a rats azz. I'm just pissed of the stitch.

IF you want your w to choose you, then be the better choice.

She must believe marriage to you can be better/different than before, OR

she won't choose you. What are YOU DOING to show her that it can be better and different??


She was concerned about my anger, and so I told her yes I'm very angry but this emotion I need to process and it will wear off.

I'm to the point that Im not gonna let her change my mood.

b/c you want to stay angry?? That sounds super attractive AND great for the kids...

so now who is hurting the marriage and family?


I'll try, I think that's detaching, isnt it? I'm gonna be myself and if I get burn so be it, but i'm not going to walk on egg shells anymore.

Maybe I'm just pissed right now or maybe impatient to all this. But maybe one day I'll get it. But right now I was keeping it all in and I didn't want to blow up.

Please remind me again how to do this. Maybe I have to let my anger pass.


clearly you do. When you have a big button pushed, the "rule" we try to apply is to wait 24-48 hours before reacting. You can ALWAYS be angry later!!!!

Post here FIRST and get feedback before giving her the same old knee jerk self righteous anger she's so turned off by.


Today W bought me my favorite pastry. On her defense she was very apologetic, and hoping that I can forgive her. She said she's trying and reading the 5LL. I felt a little relieved on this.

May we assume you graciously accepted her loving gesture?? (OR did you make her wish she had not done it?)


The thing is I'm struggling to trust her. She said all these promises before that she won't talk to him and then it happened again. I guess I just dont want to get hurt again.

Sorry for the rambling. I needed to vent I guess.

Tonight's journal was pretty quiet. I said Hi and all but that's about it. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Newman

Read the DB or Div Remedy book and if you already have then read it again.

It has to sink in to get thru. And it has not sunk in...yet. But there is hope.

She is in the house and is trying. You are better off than many.

Don't blow it b/c you prefer being angry to being hurt & swalloing your pride.

Learn the difference between healthy self respect and a wounded ego lashing out.

Sometimes it's a blurry line.

25yrsmlc, that day I journaled this ^^^was my lowest point. You are absolutely right about everything you said. I truly thought about what you said "what I've learned". Actually, I did learn something--that is how pathetic And desperate sounded like and will try not to pull that again. I'm reading co-dependency no more and it's really helping me to calm down a bit. And to see things I cannot control and let go.

I am starting to come to terms of what path could my M go. But I'm not giving up yet, my W is trying, I really see it, she's trying to restore those feelings back--I just need to keep thinking to be patient which is my struggle. I am trying though and this is also a big 180 for me.

I think I got a grip of my emotions now. This weekend I GAL with kids. I spent time with kids before but nothing like this. All of them are attached to me especially s3. I see why my W complaint about me before, the time I was giving my kids were not enough. I really feel good about these changes in me, it's very rewarding that my kids are really looking up to me. I got to keep this everyday now I know what to do.

My next goal is to be a better husband. I will try to slowly get my W's emotions back. The last four days she's been voluntarily sharing her day to day work with me and I'm just been listening to her. There are few times I tried to give advise but I bit my tongue.

I get it, M is everyday commitment and I will work this one day at a time until the end.

Thanks for keeping me in-check 25, your posts really helped me see through things.

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Let me just add my journal today--we went to lunch and shop a little, my plans were to take the kids with me since W had plans to visit MIL. She ended up spending the entire day with us. I also encouraged her to go after we had lunch but she said she didn't feel like going to her mom anymore because of the drive and it's also getting late. I'm glad she did stay with us at least for the kids' sake, they were all happy at the end of the day. Good times!

Newman