Still together but trying to save this

[25yearsmlc]

Well that is a complicated situation. I would love to do some 180s with my wife. But she isn't around. She is staying with a friend and isn't in the house.

then the answer to how YOU "help" her with the problems you say she has, is not to do so. Agreed?


I basically told her early on that it was the OM or me and it appears that she has made her choice.

Why'd you force an ultimatum on her when there were no changes on your end for her to believe marriage to you could be different or better?

I will assume you had not yet read DR??


I would love to continue to be in some sort of relationship with my W but I don't know at this point what to believe. I can't do too many 180s with my W because all of her issues

NOT TRUE!...your 180s are CHANGES IN YOU that YOU WANT/NEED TO MAKE and have little to do with her.

Stop talking about HER issues. She's not here trying to save the m, YOU are. Work on you.

Your continued harping about her flaws and "issues" in the face of yours, which lasted the whole marriage and crippled her social life (along with yours)

means you keep not wanting to face the enormity of that and keep switching topics to HER FLAWS/ISSUES and that will get you nowhere fast...




(at least the ones that she has told me about) stem from my anxiety and work stress. Both things that I am working on.


glad you are working on them. I really am. But many WAWs wait, unfortunately, until nearly or all of their loving feelings are gone before they leave. That MAY have happened...or not.

We didn't have the marriage from hell. I always did thoughtful things for her and took care of her. I rarely raised my voice and we almost never fought. That is part of the problem, or maybe a big part of the problem.

I have obviously talked with all of our friends a lot about what is going on and they keep telling me stories of how my W would come to them unhappy about something.


WHY are you "obviously talking with all of your friends A LOT about what is going on"??? To get them on your side? Have you truly read the DB book b/c I swear you are missing out on some big chunks. DO NOT DO THIS.

If you want to "keep the road home, paved and smooth" then stop making it harder for her to come back.

If you want to whine in self pity and blame HER for "HER" issues and act as if your "anxiety" had no effect ON HER, then stay stuck.



But she never told ME that she was unhappy about those things. What's worse is that the thins she was unhappy about were misunderstandings. She would hear only one small part of what I was saying and vent only that part to other people without putting the conversation in context.

so the only possible reason she'd be uncomfortable discussing or confronting you is NOT related to your anxiety or snapping at her ways,

it's all a reflection of her deep seated "issues" right? I'm sorry to be hitting you with the 2 x 4s but I feel strongly

you are wasting a huge opportunity to learn a lot more about your own stuff, which is tragic b/c you'll probably repeat things in your next r, that you could learn to repair now if you let yourself...


Once they heard the whole conversation they understood what we were talking about and everyone keeps telling me that it was presented completely differently. I don't fault her for any of that, she was feeling a certain way and I understand that.\

yes you do fault her for this so why deny that here?.


But how could we have ever sorted out our misunderstandings and miscommunications if she never talked to me about them? She admits that we did have a lot of miscommunications and that we never talked about them because she was afraid of confrontation.

Either you knew or should have known she was goofy about communication and done something to improve it

AND OR you were NOT easy to do conflict resolution with. Given your history I have to believe you share some of the responsibility for this.

How were YOUR conflict resolution skills? I mean if life itself frightened you then can't you see that she might have feared pushing you over the edge with any type of complaint?


But it doesn't matter because even though she knows now about all of this, she could never possibly heal. The damage has been done, whether or not it was her fear of confrontation or my anxiety, it doesn't matter. So no I am not doing 180s with my W, because she isn't around to witness them.

Wow...

Read Bond's post to you again and again. You either miss the point of the GAL and 180s and or you did not read the book

or you don't care to change FOR YOU...and if so, why is that?