So he and I just had a discussion about something that happened last night. He wasn't really able to talk about what came up for him - he said it came up and he worked through it.
On my end, I had a fear (that he isn't interested in LTR/monogomous sex or that he can't committ - it's not "exciting" enough to him) - that was a fear before I even realized it - I was trying to explain it tonight and let him know that I think monog. sex is really exciting - to sink into one person, deepen, be that intimate, etc... that I'm a loyal gal and I'm on this side the continuum (I never get "bored" with sex, etc) and that I didn't know where he fell on that continuum, never did.
That's the concise version of the convo and he later texted me to say that he still has trouble expressing himself, reacted to some stuff I said and didn't feel like he was properly listening, but did hear me, does appreciate that, and admires old married people and has always wanted to let someone just get to know him, etc.
(I think what came up for him last night was his impulse to withdraw but he wasn't really able to talk about it directly)
SOoooo... when we texted a bit, I felt IN LOVE - like YAY.
But I think I normally don't feel as in love b/c my feelings are VERY GUARDED around him.
He is a super sensitive person (which kind of worries me - I am too but I feel like it's a minefield with him).
So maybe that's what I was trying to explain in all my rambling posts tonight - that I'm very very guarded right now and i have this fear that I worked really hard the past year and I am ready for the real thing and "deserve" a good solid relationship and that he is dragging behind and it's "not fair" to me and that I "deserve" someone who is more where I am, so we can live our lives and not endlessly be struggling in our R.
And yet when I feel a little breakthrough with him it is so exciting and wonderful and I want more of it.
So I wonder if I just need to be patient. And trust.
But again, I think that's why being in love/having stuff in common didn't feel as relevant to me as ARE WE ALWAYS GOING TO STRUGGLE? Like I want to figure that out. I'm eager to figure that out. And right now, the last week along - half of it was A STRUGGLE - but one we're actually dealing with so much better and differently this time- So that's why I'm so confused - should people really have to struggle THIS MUCH!? And if we can work things out and be close and trusting and transparent and ... yeah, that would be amazing. I think I maybe just lost faith in that over the past year (obviously I never thought we'd be together again) and this past week hasn't even fully hit me yet!
