My Story Part 4: New Beginnings

[timbits]

made a big pot of bolognese sauce today. i froze 2/3 of it and ate some for supper tonight and have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. i tend to make enough for 4 people, so i plan on freezing individual portions for lunches and quick suppers. i hope to have a nice variety, so i won't get sick of one particular dish. i also had a flat tire today and called roadside assistance to put the dummy tire on, but i decided that it didn't look too complicated, so i want to learn how to change a tire on my own. another gal activity.

i feel like i'm getting a part of myself back. i love to cook, but i hated my old kitchen. i avoided and hated cooking in that kitchen. i just felt wrong. and then i stayed with mom and dad, and while they have a lovely kitchen and home and i was very comfortable there, it's not the same as having your own kitchen. i love my new kitchen. i don't even mind cleaning it, lol!

i'm beginning to realize how depressed i really was over the past 2-3 years. even before h had his a, i was depressed. i would come home from work exhausted and overwhelmed. i still find work tiring and stressful at times, but it's not like i'm breaking rocks in the hot sun! i was absolutely spent when i got home, and the thought of cooking or cleaning was about as appealing as dental work with a rusty pair of pliers. but now that i'm away from it all, i realize how bad things were. maybe if i recognized it sooner and did something about it, i could have changed our current situation. maybe, maybe not. i'll never know, so i won't obsess about it. but i won't ever let myself get into that place again without asking for help.

while i still have days where i have intense pain and longing for h, i am recognizing more and more of myself coming back. i took pieces of myself and put them away and buried them deep within. this was the first stage of not loving and honouring myself. now that i'm caring for myself, i am digging those parts of myself out, dusting them off and seeing if i want them to stay or if i want to leave them behind.

i found an old journal from 2010. i've started writing in it again, which i find very cathartic. it's like writing here, but i have a tangible item that has all of my hopes, fears, dreams and pain, spilling out of the pages. it helps me get all of those things out of my head and onto the page. once i feel i've written it, i can let a lot of it go, especially the fear and pain.

i know i'll be ok. with or without h, i'll be more than ok. i'll be great!