We both recognize we had very little support in the former R. And I think we need to build that up - as well as do what you said - work as a couple.
I'd like to build a couple friendships, community, church, maybe do Retrouvaille (or however you spell it).
I didn't tell my IC. I had quit therapy two months ago - but I'm afraid to tell her honestly. I think she'll think I'm "backsliding" and ... well, I think I'm actually making progress here.
I want to manage my emotions, listen to him, learn his love language, communicate my needs, be okay with "no," have good boundaries, be fun to be around and happy with my life.
He was going to bring a list of prompts for our date last night so we can get to know each other.
But we didn't do that, so we made a temporary date to do it at a coffee shop some time this week.
We're also going to talk about our dreams, and see if we can come up with a plan for what things would look like - at least in theory - where we'd live, timing of another baby (if at all), and finances. That's a big one. I think if we can talk about that with success, that would say a lot.
I didn't mention, but I'm having a lot of trouble with physical affection. I'm def. attracted to him physically. I get tingly when we kiss, but last night, I could barely touch him at all. And he's VERY touchy/affectionate. Hmm...
He's being patient; I don't want to hurt him, but I can probably be more affection, just can't even imagine s*x for a looong time. I'm so not there.
He was going to bring a list of prompts for our date last night so we can get to know each other.
was that^^^ HIS idea? I'm impressed.
But we didn't do that, so we made a temporary date to do it at a coffee shop some time this week.
We're also going to talk about our dreams, and see if we can come up with a plan for what things would look like - at least in theory - where we'd live, timing of another baby (if at all), and finances. That's a big one. I think if we can talk about that with success, that would say a lot.
I didn't mention, but I'm having a lot of trouble with physical affection. I'm def. attracted to him physically. I get tingly when we kiss, but last night, I could barely touch him at all. And he's VERY touchy/affectionate. Hmm...
He's being patient; I don't want to hurt him, but I can probably be more affection, just can't even imagine s*x for a looong time. I'm so not there.
ESN,
The lack of affection and disinterest in sex you feel, is a flag to me. Would you be with THIS man at all, if not for your d? Take your time before answering...
IF so, why?
What is it that you love about him? Specifically, b/c
most of the time it's not positives that you have to say about him, (even while noting his new behaviors and gestures.) Same goes for NOW...
BTW, what are your new behaviors and gestures around him?
My hunch, and that's all it is, is that you are not in love with THIS MAN, as he is,
and you cannot expect him to change/ "improve" w/time, like a fine wine.
MANY of us make the mistake of thinking we CAN love a man "IF THIS AND THAT" and we marry them...
only to find the men do not want to be made over. They just want to be loved as they are, same as us...and if that's not something you can do or want to do, don't waste his time or yours. Meaning, take him as he is, or don't.
If you don't truly love (and respect) him NOW,
then aren't the only real reasons these dates are happening (on your end) is
b/c single life [censored],
and or his financial security has appeal, and or you want your d to be in an "intact family". But Here's the rub.
If the behaviors revert to the old ones, (which they inevitably will if you don't learn positive ways of conflict resolution - INSTEAD OF the behaviors you now know and engage in that aren't healthy). The fact is, unless we learn NEW healthy ways of behaving and only know what "not to do",
when crisis hits, we'll revert to what we DO know...b/c we have not replaced those behaviors with healthy ones. (Hence the need for new tools.)
And if you revert,
you won't have financial security OR an intact family anyway.
And you'll have held yourself back from finding someone you CAN have those things with
AND OR you'll have simply inserted more drama into her life and yours, instead of being ok with just the two of you on your own, mostly.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, thanks for this response. Everything you said, *could be true* - but if I don't give it a shot, I'm afraid it's really not fair to anyone. Right now, I have a lot of fear coursing through me. The way either of us behaved in the past is something neither of us every want to do again.
I don't know how I am different now b/c it's only been a week with him.
I am trying to not act on fear, though. So I back down, slow down, wait, ask for inner guidance. I don't react/act... I question. Is it true? Is it true he is this way or that way (things my mind creates)?
It's really hard to know at this point. What happened to each of us in the past was all trauma-based and hair trigger reactions under a ton of pressure. We both admit to needing support. I've done a ton of work on boundaries and copdendence - he's read the books on withdrawl and has been very present to me in the past week. And I've been very consciously open to him.
I have a bad habit of falling in love with unavailable people. I was in love with him in the past - he was a bit unavailable - hence all my past relationships - so if you ask me if I'm in love, it's a bit of a trick question. My love meter seems to be screwed up. But I think it's back on track.
I am in love with him but I don't even know if that's relevant at times. Love is a choice, and I'm choosing to try to forgive, keep my heart open, and love someone who is essentially my family and who I would really like to be with.
Yes, he annoys me. A lot at times - he's slow, he sometimes mumbles, he and I are very different. But I don't know if that means we shouldn't be together. When I was dating, I met someone like me and it was enough to make me want to jump off a bridge.
For right now, I think this deserves my best shot. At least for a month or two, before I make any decisions to turn away...
I love that he has a great sense of humor, likes good food, can cook, can fix anything, is sensitive, insightful, observant, is interested in personal growth. Is good at things he does.
We enjoy eating out together, relaxing, cooking, being in the city.
We've enjoyed our times away (though they were few).
We don't have the same tastes in movies or music, but that's not an issue, really. He rode a motorcycle when I met him, I did yoga, I read a lot he really doesn't.
But we were pregnant three months after meeting, and hit the ground running. We're now trying to rediscover ... us.
I think the thing I was asking about earlier in terms of good marriages, is that I think a lot of people try to present me with unrealistic ideas of love, and I was just wondering how those hold up in real marriages.
I do realize I need to be "in love" - etc. And that ExBF and I have what seems to me an extraordinary amount of issues.
And yet... I've never actually been in a relationship when I didn't have an extraordinary amount of issues with someone.
Everything with him - money, sex, communication.
And yet, we're here, trying. I think there's something to be said for that.
Did other relationships just come together and things worked out? On all fronts? On one or two? Were sex lives always just good or needed to be tweaked or ... KWIM?
If I had some encouragement, like my H and I worked through years of stuff, and now we're solid or - IDK -
He and I are *just now* talking about relationship stuff - (we did in the past but it was all so overwhelming - neither of us even knew how codependent and messed up we were until we had a kid)... and it was a clusterf*** - ppd, anger, withdrawal, sleep deprivation.
It's just hard enough to sort out anything - and even with love and respect, all these other things have to be working, no? Or ... does love and respect just kind of work things out?
Maybe the other part of this is that if I start putting pressure on myself to know if I love and respect him, then I'm just going to get cold feet and never really give this a shot. I do love and respect him, but there's an enormous amount of pressure right now too -
I'm 40, I have a child, most men I've met have kids - the complications and things that need to be worked through there are ... well, complicated. And I guess what everyone is saying is that it's workable when love is present ...
So he and I just had a discussion about something that happened last night. He wasn't really able to talk about what came up for him - he said it came up and he worked through it.
On my end, I had a fear (that he isn't interested in LTR/monogomous sex or that he can't committ - it's not "exciting" enough to him) - that was a fear before I even realized it - I was trying to explain it tonight and let him know that I think monog. sex is really exciting - to sink into one person, deepen, be that intimate, etc... that I'm a loyal gal and I'm on this side the continuum (I never get "bored" with sex, etc) and that I didn't know where he fell on that continuum, never did.
That's the concise version of the convo and he later texted me to say that he still has trouble expressing himself, reacted to some stuff I said and didn't feel like he was properly listening, but did hear me, does appreciate that, and admires old married people and has always wanted to let someone just get to know him, etc.
(I think what came up for him last night was his impulse to withdraw but he wasn't really able to talk about it directly)
SOoooo... when we texted a bit, I felt IN LOVE - like YAY.
But I think I normally don't feel as in love b/c my feelings are VERY GUARDED around him.
He is a super sensitive person (which kind of worries me - I am too but I feel like it's a minefield with him).
So maybe that's what I was trying to explain in all my rambling posts tonight - that I'm very very guarded right now and i have this fear that I worked really hard the past year and I am ready for the real thing and "deserve" a good solid relationship and that he is dragging behind and it's "not fair" to me and that I "deserve" someone who is more where I am, so we can live our lives and not endlessly be struggling in our R.
And yet when I feel a little breakthrough with him it is so exciting and wonderful and I want more of it.
So I wonder if I just need to be patient. And trust.
But again, I think that's why being in love/having stuff in common didn't feel as relevant to me as ARE WE ALWAYS GOING TO STRUGGLE? Like I want to figure that out. I'm eager to figure that out. And right now, the last week along - half of it was A STRUGGLE - but one we're actually dealing with so much better and differently this time- So that's why I'm so confused - should people really have to struggle THIS MUCH!? And if we can work things out and be close and trusting and transparent and ... yeah, that would be amazing. I think I maybe just lost faith in that over the past year (obviously I never thought we'd be together again) and this past week hasn't even fully hit me yet!
And that's truly the reason I couldn't be physical with him the other night. I'm just so darn guarded right now and a little shut down and very scared.
So it's like, do I bail on him b/c he hasn't done as much work as I have?
Obviously I think the answer is no...
Though sometimes I do feel a little like he's "bringing me down" for lack of a better way of putting it.
And he's been telling me that while he's now read a lot of books putting it all into practice is like the real thing and that's what keeps coming up for him - but he's working through it. (I think he means in his head he's worked through a lot but not yet in the practical application like when he's having reactions to me or tendencies to pull away and withdrawal) (a big book for us was Pia Melodys' Love Addiction since we were in a pursuer-withdrawer situation for years)
