Needing some guidance... 6

[jks]

but i think that with you if you just tell yourself that this is NOT your worst fear - and i am sure your actual worst fears are much much different from this - this is just your worst fear in this sitch

This actually has always been my worst fear. My H used to ask me what's your hopes, your dreams, your fears? My hope was to one day marry him. My dream was to spend the rest of my life with him. And my fear was losing him. These are still true today.

I am truly living my worst nightmare. I try to sleep and I dream about it and wake up emotionally exhausted and I think about it all day. I don't sleep well at all. I'm miserable right now.

When I saw H today, he could tell something was wrong and he asked me what was up... I just sat there for a minute, thinking. After a while I just said, nothing, it doesn't matter. My eyes started watering and I immediately got in my car and left. I balled the entire way home and all I could think about is, I don't matter. Nothing I say matters. No one cares about what I think about this whole situation. It's just whatever my H wants. He gets everything he wants and I am left alone. I get the joy of hearing about all the wonderful things H and OW do for the kids and the new home that they got together. I don't know what else to say other than... I'm ready to be done with my life now.

I really have tried so hard to embrace this. I kept telling myself... this is how it's supposed to be. But if this is how it's supposed to be, then I am done. I have so much work to do and I can't bring myself to do any of it. I feel so paralyzed in this sadness.

These emotional cycles are killing me. I don't see a way out of it. I just see myself wanting to be married to him and wanting to work it out. I just feel so much that our family deserves that. I can't let go and it frustrates the hell out of me that I can't just let it all go.

H informed me that he's been trying to save up enough money to file. That is the reason he hasn't done anything yet. I'm just an afterthought now. Well, I pretty much have the life I want, just need to get rid of one last thing. Oh, yeah, the wife.

This is not a way to live a life. You can call me weak but I'm so tired of trying to be strong. I am triggered by this in everything I do. It's all around me. I can't escape it. And just when I think I'm going to be fine, it hits me all over again so hard and I start to fall.