many thanks. It sounds like you have a very good understanding of where my wife is. A little background may help with some of the questions you asked.
Re our youngest needs he has severe learning difficulties (mainly mental) - this includes no speech, autism with some physical disabilities (i.e. he can walk but has no saving reactions when he falls - needs a constant eye on him). He also has challenging behaviour.
My wife was always the career woman in the marriage and earnt the most money. However, when our youngest was born and we started to realise his special needs we agreed my Wife would be the one to quit work and stay at home. She worked part time whilst the eldest was at school.
The decision was based on my earning potential. I had recently started a new job and the company were willing to sponsor my studies to be an accountant. We agreed that for the future this would be the best option for our financial security. For 3 years I worked longer hours, plus study and yes, my Wife took care of the household.
I have always spent as much time as possible with the kids and she still acknowledges I have been a good father (albeit she contradicted it with her comment that nothing would change if she left!).
I qualified as an accountant and then my career took off. However, it meant even longer hours and more travel. This obviously placed an even greater burden on my Wife. At weekends I always cooked, cleaned and spent time with the kids. However, we used to divide our time a lot with the children - the eldest played football and we could not take the youngest at the time because of his difficulties. My Wife used to take the eldest to football which was a bit of a break in that there was a social scene with the other parents.
However, my Wife did do the day to day decision making with regard to the household/bills etc, I would be more involved with bigger decisions regarding therapy for our youngest, holidays, bigger jobs around the house etc.
Re time on our own there has never been much of it. It was always difficult to find a babysitter as the youngest got a bit older and we got v little support from family. My parents would help to a degree but W's parents never really helped at all with childcare - hence she has a lot of resentment for that.
However, we did manage a weekend away alone each year and my parents stayed at out house to look after the kids. But this became more difficult as the youngest got older and his behaviour more challenging. About a year ago we started getting a carer who takes our youngest away for 5 hours on a Sunday. I also agreed with my boss to take the summer holidays off work to help W during the long holiday period. I did this for the last 2 years.
Anyway about 2 years ago I realised that although my Wife is independent and very strong woman that she was struggling. I was also struggling in that I was working around 18 hour days and was also stressed. She never said anything but I could tell. I decided to change jobs to one with more routine/less hours so that I could be at home more and take the pressure off myself. Truth is I always felt some guilt for W giving up her job and guess I over compensated and got carried away with my own career.
Re the strong man not a boy I think that is probably one of the periods it resonates from. I had a temporary period where I was off work for a month with stress prior to leaving my job at around the same time as she wanted someone to take over. I have also been less that perfect at DIY etc - what my wife calls daddy jobs. i.e. I tended to leave things to the last minute before doing them which I know frustrated her.
Basically when I reflect there is a lot I have done wrong. After work all my spare time went on our kids and there was very little left for W. Whilst we did talk regularly re our feelings she always used to tell me she felt loved and has never felt loved before like this. Our sex life was great for a couple with the stresses we had.
What was missing is the cuddles, time together on our own and intimacy without sex. We did cuddle etc but not enough. I feel like we had drifted and are both guilty of not setting time for each other.
I have changed a lot these last few months. I do DIY asap, make sure I am at home earlier, help out more around the house and have taken charge of finance/bills etc. I also take youngest to horse riding on a saturday morning whilst W has a lie in.
However, like many H's it is all too late. The resentment set in and she feels incredibly angry at everything. My work, the fact I was not around much, the changes I have made since, keeps raising the DIY issue and generally everything has been wrong for our marriage.
She is very bitter and says the passion has gone, she can barely stand me touching her, that she is empty. However, she does say it is her thats changed re what she wants, that I am a good father, and hopes that we can be friends.
This is where I have been confused re advice and the path to take. I am willing to put everything into this to make this work but part of me is accepting it is over.
However, generally the advice seems to be support her re plans to move out. I had to do this initially as a way to difuse the tension (obviously my very first reaction like everyones was shock, begged her to stay for a week etc etc). Things have been better since. So your advice re not supporting her has confused me - did i do the wrong things?
I would not make threats of D as it is the last thing I want and would never threat on something I was not prepared to follow through.
I will never willingly leave my home.
I beleive marriage is for life and that whatever happens I will never give up on us.
I am prepared mentally to go the distance (i had done some research on MLC) whatever that will bring.
However, given our position I don't want to be seen as ignoring her/not caring etc. Similarly I don't want to be a doormat given her comment re man and boy! But I suppose she does not care whether or not I care about her at the moment?
I just want to be here for her if she needs be, to give her the space she needs, and to keep working on my faults that should make me a better person overall. However, I feel if she leaves the support I can give her with my son will be less, this would only put more pressure on her as his main carer. I don't doubt she could cope on her own - it worries me what this will do to her though as looking after our son can be mentally and physically draining - but v rewarding at the same time.
For the record we have discussed her going to work etc in the past/me going part-time etc. However, W feels she has been out of work for so long now that she could not find a job. I have tried to support her but nothing has ever got off the ground.
I have read the MLC chapter and thanks for the link. I am seeing the doctor tommorrow to sort some counselling out for me (Wife won't go). The sad thing is that this and the lessons I am learning make me want this to work more and more as I know we could be much stronger as a couple.
