Separated and confused

[jendp]

H dropped the bomb on me 6 weeks ago, he wants a divorce and says that he will not change his mind. I read The Divorce Remedy after the bomb and realize that I went about everything wrong up to that point. Lots of pursuing, begging, and emotional bursts -- everything wrong.

I am GAL and have worked on so much in the past 6 weeks, I feel like a new and better version of myself. I am happy but still on the roller-coaster. Overall this was a big wake-up call for me that I needed to GAL and find myself and my happiness again -- mission accomplished but still working on this daily.

My husband works out of town a lot, no kids, and we have only had minimal contact through texts since he left 6 weeks ago -- all very cordial. We haven't spoken at all. After 3 weeks of silence, he sent a long apologetic text about how he is sorry he hasn't contacted me in a while but thought it was what I wanted since I didn't contact him either. Last text line says, "I will always love you but my decision to divorce has not changed." He stated he is moving some stuff out when he comes home and we need to talk about business matters whenever I want to talk.

Our last conversation was emotional since he had just dropped the bomb and I was at the begging stage. We somehow ended things in a friendly way, both crying and hugging. He has been telling others that this is a mutual split and that we both want a divorce -- this is not true although I did say a few things over the last year that may have given him this impression. I had one foot out the door for a while, but had an awakening about 2 months before the bomb. Realized I really want to fight for this marriage, but it was too late. I have texted about 4 times since he left that I do not agree with his decision and I wish he would reconsider (the more recent text states this in a very low-key way but gets my point across) -- does that sound like I want a divorce?


Now that the ball is in my court for when we talk, I am at a loss for what to say and how to approach this. Do I just stick to business matters or do I try and sneak something in there about the fact that I still do not agree with divorce and don't want this outcome? Since he is telling others that this is mutual, I feel the need to let him know that it is not. He hasn't yet moved his stuff out and I don't want him to. Do I just let him go and hope he snaps out of it? Since we don't have kids and not much reason to talk, I want the communication we have to be productive. I want to save my marriage, HELP!!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Maybe a 180 might be to not NEED the conversation.
It is very possible that he is having an affair.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power.

[jendp]

Actually, I do not need the conversation and now I'm terrified of it for fear that I will screw things up more. He wants to talk business about my taking over the mortgage and bills, I think, and he said we can discuss this when I want to talk. I realize now I don't want to talk and actually the silence was more comforting than the fear of how to proceed. Would it be better to wait until he forces the issue? If the business matters are handled then he really has no future reason to speak to me again. I would like to talk in person instead of over the phone so he can see how I have changed.

You may be right about the affair, but I don't know this to be the case yet.

Thanks for the help.

[AnotherStander]

H dropped the bomb on me 6 weeks ago, he wants a divorce and says that he will not change his mind. I read The Divorce Remedy after the bomb and realize that I went about everything wrong up to that point. Lots of pursuing, begging, and emotional bursts -- everything wrong.

Don't worry about it, I think we all do it before finding DB! Also don't worry about the divorce comment, it's pretty common for the WAS to say they want a D, that there's no negotiating it, etc.

I am happy but still on the roller-coaster. Overall this was a big wake-up call for me that I needed to GAL and find myself and my happiness again -- mission accomplished but still working on this daily.

GAL is great for you, but have you also come up with a list of 180's and started implementing them? If you want H back, it's important to demonstrate change to him and show him you're not the same person. He doesn't want the old M and neither should you, but he may want a new M with a stronger, more confident, more attractive you.

"I will always love you but my decision to divorce has not changed."

Just ignore comments like this. Don't respond at all. If he wants to pursue it then he will, but don't help or assist in any way. If he quits talking D then consider that a good sign.

I have texted about 4 times since he left that I do not agree with his decision and I wish he would reconsider (the more recent text states this in a very low-key way but gets my point across) -- does that sound like I want a divorce?

No, it sounds like pressure. Pressure = bad. You're disagreeing with his feelings, you're highlighting that you both want something different. Quit applying pressure to him, it's not what he wants. Rest assured that he knows your position, no need to keep pushing it on him.

Now that the ball is in my court for when we talk, I am at a loss for what to say and how to approach this. Do I just stick to business matters or do I try and sneak something in there about the fact that I still do not agree with divorce and don't want this outcome?

He talks, you listen. Do not initiate any relationship talks with him. Work on you and your GAL strategy.

Do I just let him go and hope he snaps out of it?

Yes. Read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. You have to open the cage door and remove all pressure from him. And read and reread DR and work on you. Good luck!

[Breakdown]

What were the problems in the M, both from your perspective and from his?

[jendp]

Thanks for the advice so far. I have been so busy haven't been able to respond with more info yet.

I have been reading several other threads (going dark, etc.) and I'm afraid that being silent for over 3 weeks might actually be "more of the same" for me. I originally thought it was a 180 since I had recently been hovering, pressuring, and was an emotional wreck before he left. Also, it has been a really good time for me to GAL and focus on my thoughts. During most of our marriage though, I did not communicate much or very well at all especially when it came to my feelings. So now I'm wondering if maybe I should reach out to him.

I have heard and read others that have sent a letter to communicate. Maybe take responsibility for what I know I was at fault at during our M and show that I am not angry or blaming it all on him. Has anyone tried this? Would it just be another bad idea that would apply pressure and push him away.

[Cadet]

I have heard and read others that have sent a letter to communicate. Maybe take responsibility for what I know I was at fault at during our M and show that I am not angry or blaming it all on him. Has anyone tried this? Would it just be another bad idea that would apply pressure and push him away.

If it would make you feel better write the letter and post it here.
Sending it more than likely is a bad idea and will not give you the results you are looking for.

There is no magic bullet to bring him back.

Take the focus off of him and put it on YOU, you are the one that needs to save yourself.
That is the most important thing. YOU!

[AnotherStander]

I have been reading several other threads (going dark, etc.) and I'm afraid that being silent for over 3 weeks might actually be "more of the same" for me.

Michele actually warns about that specific thing in DR, she said if going dark is "more of the same" behavior then don't do it. If you were detached and emotionally distant in the R then going dark will not help matters.

I originally thought it was a 180 since I had recently been hovering, pressuring, and was an emotional wreck before he left.

Hovering, pressuring and being an emotional wreck around H is NOT a 180 from being emotionally distant during the R. That behavior has got to stop ASAP. A more appropriate 180 would be to show interest in his life, ask questions, and be a very intent listener. Flatter him, pay him compliments. But you can do this while still GAL'ing. It doesn't mean following him around the house like a puppy.

During most of our marriage though, I did not communicate much or very well at all especially when it came to my feelings. So now I'm wondering if maybe I should reach out to him.

DR addresses being a good listener, this is very important in reestablishing contact with your spouse. It's not so much about reaching out as it is about being a positive force in his life and making yourself emotionally available to him when he's ready. When he wants to talk, drop everything and listen. Encourage him to continue and validate his emotions. Do 20% talking and 80% listening. For now do not communicate your emotions to him, that's pressure. Do all the listening.

I have heard and read others that have sent a letter to communicate. Maybe take responsibility for what I know I was at fault at during our M and show that I am not angry or blaming it all on him. Has anyone tried this? Would it just be another bad idea that would apply pressure and push him away.

There's different schools of thought on letters, seems about half here say you should write it for yourself and not actually deliver it while others think it's a good idea to give it too. If you think you have things to say that he doesn't already know, then go ahead if it's what your heart is telling you. But if you'd just be repeating things he already knows, then don't do it. Usually this is something best done early in the process and then don't follow up on it. Don't ask if he got it, don't ask if he read it, don't ask what he thinks about it. If he wants to talk about it he will, otherwise just let it lay.

[jendp]

Well, H finally moved some of his stuff out after leaving 2 months ago. Even though I knew this day was coming, I almost died when I got home from work and saw the things missing. He still has a lot of things here and I am just patiently waiting for a lightening bolt to hit him and turn things around. I never know he is coming (he comes to pick up his mail too), he just sneaks in when I'm at work so he doesn't have to face me.

We have only spoken once in two months and several texts all initiated by him. I know I shouldn't pursue, but I just feel like I am sitting here and letting this happen. We have so little contact that I feel he will never see the positive changes in me or ever change his mind. I am afraid to contact him at all for fear that I will push him away.

Anyone have advice on how to initiate positive contact to keep the communication lines open? I don't want to talk about R or pursue, just have contact so that if he wants to talk he knows I am here and open to that. We have no kids, so really nothing to make contact for.

[AnotherStander]

I never know he is coming (he comes to pick up his mail too), he just sneaks in when I'm at work so he doesn't have to face me.

That sounds pretty lame. Have you considered changing the locks? You might do that and then tell him you did and that he needs to make arrangements with you to get the rest of his stuff (if there is any).

We have only spoken once in two months and several texts all initiated by him. I know I shouldn't pursue, but I just feel like I am sitting here and letting this happen.

Doesn't sound like there's any progress taking place. Remember, part of DB'ing is taking stock of the sitch every few weeks and making adjustments. If you're not seeing any progress, then change things up. Go ahead and initiate some contact and see how it goes.

We have so little contact that I feel he will never see the positive changes in me or ever change his mind. I am afraid to contact him at all for fear that I will push him away.

It doesn't really sound like he could be pushed much further away than he already is, so I don't think you've got a lot of risk. And if you make contact and it doesn't go well, you can always go dark again.

Anyone have advice on how to initiate positive contact to keep the communication lines open? I don't want to talk about R or pursue, just have contact so that if he wants to talk he knows I am here and open to that.

Just call, tell him you hadn't talked in a while and just wanted to say "hello". Keep things light and fluffy, no R or M talk. Just try to be friendly.