Learning to Forgive Step 2: Cultivating Compassion
This step is based on the idea stated in A Course in Miracles that everything is either love or a call for love. If we or others behave badly then on some level it is a call for love -- the desire to meet some basic human need.
1. Consider the person you are holding the grievance against. Using a feelings inventory, see if you can identify the nature of your feelings of upset (I am mad, scared, confused, diappointed, etc). Then, see if you can identify the unmet needs associated with your feeling (feeling scared may indicate a need for physical safety; feeling angry may indicate a need for feeling understood and/or for feeling love).
2. Now consider from Step 1 (Owning Projections) a typical situation in shich the person you describe irritates you. Take some aspect of the situation in which the person behaved in a way that you found particularly annnoying. Now consider what that person may have been feeling prior to and while doing the behavior that annoyed you. Write down what you come up with (feelings). Now consider what needs the person may have had in that situation that was not being met.
3. Go back to the second part of Step 1 (Owning Projections) where you discovered some part of yourself you may have been projecting onto the person who annoys you. Go to part 2 of THIS step and come up with the feelings and unmet needs associated with that projected quality. Write them down.
When we begin to recognize the feelings and needs in ourselves and others, we cultivate empathy and compassion. The less-than-nurturing behaviors that result from the difficult feelings and unmet needs become much more understandable when we understand the context from which these behaviors emerge.
